The power of likability

I recently read in a marketing book that curiosity, enlightenment, and commitment are the three stages of a developing a relationship.

It struck me that the author’s approach to marketing mirrors the approach to leadership, influence, effective communication, and even parenting.

Curiosity: You need to spark someone’s interest. Curiosity is a snap judgment.

• In TikTok world, aspiring influencers are told to use a hook to get viewers curious.
• In marketing, sneaky subject lines might serve this purpose.
• For a kindergartener, this could be a parent’s appeal not to touch the stove.

Enlightenment: In this stage, the opposite party begins to trust you. Trust is the foundation of all relationships—whether with a brand, a partner, a colleague, or a teacher. To take the next step in any relationship, customers need to understand how you can help them solve problems or thrive. The human brain is wired to experience pleasure when it understands something and resist what it does not. Understanding leads to a sense of control.

• In TikTok world, influencers are advised to educate, entertain, or inspire.
• In marketing, teaching a viewer how to use wrinkle spray as a hack for packing scarves can pique interest.
• For a kindergartener, a parent might explain the impact of heat on skin.

Commitment: Once someone believes in your message, product, or service, they are more likely to commit to you.

• In TikTok world, this commitment is a follow.
• In marketing, it’s a purchase.
• For a kindergartener, it’s internalizing the lesson not to touch hot surfaces.

Likability is an accelerant to commitment—regardless of the audience. Connection converts. People want to see your goodness and believe in you. In relationships, you’re building either transactional equity or relationship equity, and the road to commitment is built on one or both of these.

Relationship equity:

I’ve written before about likability as a shortcut to success. Commitment is less likely if someone doesn’t trust you, and trust is easier to gain when you’re liked.

Likability matters even more in the age of knowledge work, where much of the workforce is highly specialized and needs coordination to be effective as a team. In a world of constant communication—where spouses share Google calendars to manage toddler soccer schedules—alignment is key. As my advisor says, hard work without alignment isn’t effective. In short: you have to be coordinated to be effective, and if you’re likable, it will be easier to coordinate.

Even with a plan, you risk working with someone who prioritizes their mood over the plan. If they don’t like you, their mood could derail the plan.

Transactional equity:

Trust can be lost in two ways:

• Someone believes you can’t do the job.
• Someone believes you lack the integrity to do the job.

Getting the job done requires creating a plan and following through, often through a series of mundane steps. Those who succeed aren’t necessarily the ones who get it right the first time—they are the ones who consistently work towards the goal, day after day, recovering and persisting even after making mistakes along the way.

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