The Power of Last Words

We never know if the words we say to someone will be the last words we ever say to that person. With this in mind, an important practice is to become increasingly aware. Have you ever said something you regretted, only to learn that it was no longer possible to say something to undo the wrong you had committed?

Ben Zander, in his 2008 TED talk, shared a story about last words and how what we say and how we say it really makes a difference. This was a story of a woman, one of the survivors from the Auschwitz concentration camp:

"She went to Auschwitz when she was 15 years old and her brother was eight, and the parents were lost. And she told me this, 'We were in the train going to Auschwitz, and I looked down, and I saw my brother's shoes were missing. And I said, Why are you so stupid? Can't you keep your things together?! For goodness' sake!' The way an elder sister might speak to a younger brother. Unfortunately, it was the last thing she ever said to him, because she never saw him again. He did not survive. And so, when she came out of Auschwitz, she made a vow. She said, 'I walked out of Auschwitz into life, and the vow was, I will never say anything that couldn't stand as the last thing I ever say.'"

A while ago, I learned of the death of a good friend. This friend had run numerous marathons and half-marathons and was apparently fit and healthy, but on a solitary Saturday afternoon run through the country lanes in upstate New York, he suddenly collapsed and died. I knew his wife and often wondered about the last words they said to each other before he left for his run. I hope it was something positive and endearing. We never know when our parting conversation will be the last words we say to each other.

Dividing my time between West Palm Beach, Florida, and Portsmouth, England, I frequently travel back and forth across the Atlantic. Each time, I leave behind immediate family members and close friends for weeks or maybe months at a time. We keep in touch with emails and video conversations, but I am always conscious of what I say as I leave, knowing these words could be the last. I was with a client in New York when my mother passed away suddenly at our family home in England. I had said goodbye with our usual loving hug just a few weeks earlier following our family holiday not knowing that it would be the last time I would say goodbye.

How can we practice saying nothing that couldn't stand as the last thing we ever say to someone? Here are five practices to consider:

1. Be present.

Show up with kindness, compassion and love. This may be easy with our immediate family, but with friends and colleagues, it may require more conscious awareness of how we show up in the world. Be fully present with people particularly as you conclude a conversation or say goodbye.

2. Listen with all the senses.

Listen deeply to ourselves and others. Be attentive to the physical sensations within. Our emotional reactions can signal warnings about situations. Be attentive to the reactions of the other person, combining advocacy with inquiry.

3. Choose words carefully.

Be aware of the importance and consequences of the words we use. Using one of Don Miguel Ruiz's four agreements, be impeccable with your word. Speaking candidly — being straightforward and unequivocal — is an important practice, but not necessarily with brutal honesty. Choose your words carefully. Speak your truth quietly and with love.

4. Check for completeness.

Notice incomplete conversations. Has something been left unsaid? If time is not immediately available, schedule time for continuing the conversation. End on a positive note. Ask yourself, could that stand as the last thing I will ever say to that person?

5. Reflect often.

Consider recent conversations. Were you fully present? Did you listen with all the senses and choose your words carefully. Did you check on the completeness of the conversation? Ask yourself, is there someone I need to seek out to offer new last words?

These practices are not about having the last word, but knowing that our last words could stand as the last thing we ever say to someone. Living up to the Auschwitz woman's vow is a challenging but important aspiration. If we treat our conversations that matter as if they could be the last thing we will ever say to someone, we will be more conscious of how we show up and the words we use, whether speaking candidly or simply saying goodbye for now.

Article originally published on Forbes.com, November 7, 2019