The Power of "Not Knowing": How Embracing Uncertainty Uncovered My Path

"What am I doing all of this for?" Often during challenging times, this question kept popping up in my space.

Purposeful Pursuits

Growing up, I watched my father work 7 days a week as a taxi driver. And, it became a norm to me that he'll work hard that way. I didn't think much about it until I stepped into the workforce.

It was then that I realised how difficult it must have been for him to wake himself up at 5+ am daily — the amount of discipline and drive must have been there for him to do so 7 days a week, without fail for the past 20 odd years.

When I was younger, I never saw how difficult it was. I would often argue with him (No thanks to my rebellious teenage days).

To him, all he wanted was for us to be happy and to provide for the family's basic needs. And that was his purposeful pursuits, which hasn't changed.

And because he gave the best he could to us, he wanted us to have education so that we are well equipped with knowledge and power such that we can feud for ourselves as we grow up in sunny Singapore.

Making decisions... not?

I was encouraged to make decisions for myself when I was younger, even when i don't equipped for it. I often get the answer, "you are more educated than me, so you have to choose for yourself". So I had to choose my schools, my CCA, my roles and navigate them with a blank slate. (I didn't know how to ask for help or who to ask for help).

Every decision just felt like anxiety. I felt like I just wanted to make decisions quickly so that I could get the emotions out of the way. The feeling of constantly being in a rush to make things work, be productive and move things forward probably took up a huge bulk of my time (Hello anxiety!).

And so, I realised that I didn't know how to make my decisions in an empowering manner. I was making decisions out of my emotions, and not consider the bigger and fuller picture. Because it was too painful to, at times.

You are more educated than me, so you have to choose for yourself.

What for?

And that pattern of quick decisions followed me. While I can make logical decisions mostly at work, I can't help but be blinded to things that involve my personal path and self.

For the past 12 years, I kept asking myself, what did I want? And often the answer is "I don't know".

Regardless of how much I'm progressing, I wasn't happy. I wasn't satisfied.

And I often feel that something is missing.

I went through a phase of self beating up that I don't know what I want. (without recognising that I'm self-beating up)

I then continued to explore different careers and things that I could do. But the answers didn't come.

So I kept telling myself that...

Sometimes it doesn't make sense... And it's ok.

And it got me through so many episodes of frustrated "I don't know"s.

Pursuits

Fast forward to today, I realised that those things that 'didn't make sense', added up to form a piece of a bigger puzzle, unraveling into a clearer picture.

My marketing experiences was me learning different skills to grow and communicate to people, to inspire, to communicate them into taking certain actions.

My product experiences helped me with building solutions, learning to work with different stakeholders and manage them to be on the same side.

My coaching experiences taught me to sit with someone, being open and patience to listen. And to be present for the person who needed support for the deeper answers and dreams to surface.

And I realised that all that I was learning, was to learn how to work better within myself — how do I be patient with myself, how do I communicate with me, rally me to take actions, and how to actually build a solution for my challenges. And this is yet again, only the beginning into so much more.

My father was the one who allowed me opportunities to discover these because of his pursuits for the family, and I'm utmost grateful. He gave me the best that he could, and he did. :)

Bonus

When I first started the newsletter, I told you that you'll hear from people who've made bold career changes, followed unconventional paths, and created lives they love.

And I went on to put together an event with 4 specially curated and amazing speakers who can do that. They each have their journeys and wisdom to share. If you are in Singapore on the 10 Aug, come join us. There a $10 off code that I will share in the comment of this post! :)