The Power of Jealousy- Let's work with it. (at home and work)

Many of us are taught to be ashamed of jealousy, so we act as if it doesn't exist, and then it is often expressed in explosive or passive-aggressive ways.??I am not alone in losing important relationships due to an unhealthy processing of jealousy. My younger self strategized to minimize or shrink when I felt anyone was jealous, and I was also very ashamed of feeling jealous.

For the last 20 years, I have worked as a therapist and healer. I have firsthand helped heal the chaos that difficult emotions, especially jealousy, have created in partnerships, family businesses, cross-functional teams, sibling relationships, and more. As the CEO of The Moksha Group, I can't think of a single intervention in the last 5 years that jealousy wasn't a central issue to heal...and often, there were very predictable unconscious behaviors that heightened the feelings of jealousy.

Common triggers include seeing others get attention, promotions, public praise, invitations, privileges, and perceived special treatment. It's super tough when a colleague becomes a boss; your mate is talking to an attractive person that you perceive as a threat, or a friend has a baby when you've miscarried 3 times. It's also hard when you are around people who have learned to feel empowered by purposely making others feel jealous or less valuable. It is super tough to be on the receiving end of this, but it is possible to lessen emotional reactions, share negative impact, make a request for a change, or simply reduce exposure to triggering events/people.

Jealousy, not acknowledged or processed from the wise heart, can wreak havoc on personal freedoms, professional success, and relational joy. Learning how to handle internal jealousy and others' jealousy is critical, and most of us aren’t taught how.

So here are a few tips I’ve learned in helping teams, couples, and siblings understand and work with the difficult emotion of Jealousy.

1) First, we must normalize and remove shame. Emotions, including jealousy, are normal and hardwired, and we can't escape them. Our brains often catastrophize and make up the “worst-case scenarios," resulting in difficult emotions and hormonal cocktails flooding our bodies.? Without skills, we become activated, and we are off to the races. We end up taking a variety of unhelpful actions to discharge the stress. Emotions influence our moods and behaviors, whether we want them to or not.?A tool from the Work of Byron Katie is,?“Just because you think it, doesn’t make it so.” ...BUT....neurochemically, the body believes it is true, and we have to learn to counteract the emotional flooding. One CBT tip is to ask oneself, "Is this thought absolutely true and how do I feel when I believe this thought?" Additional tools like Heartmath- Coherence, Ho'ponopono, Qigong, Nature-Bathing, and Self-Compassion Letter Writing are helpful.??

2)???Look for the Gifts of Emotions and Do "Practice"!: Emotions have a purpose, even the difficult ones. Jealousy can teach us to cherish what we value and teach us to take action toward an inner longing. Jealousy can teach us that we need to take some positive actions to improve ourselves when we notice someone else’s light. Jealousy may let you know that you want more... so it could inspire you to enroll in courses to elevate your career, join a dating app, end a toxic relationship, get a dog, or travel abroad, etc.

The Wisdom teachings also ask us to interrupt comparison patterns and replace them with compassionate, positive, affirming thoughts and words.?Once we are in a good place, we are directed to Ask our Wise Heart what actions, if any, must be taken to move towards True North! We may notice...that there is absolutely no action to be taken...that we have everything we need...and that we were only temporarily impaired by depleting and fleeting emotions.

Gratitude practice is also a powerful tool that can make a powerful interrupter of comparison habits.??In an intimate relationship, Jealousy can teach us countless lessons on self-awareness, compassion, healthy boundaries, negotiation, empathy, repair, and sometimes necessary endings.

Emotions can feel like life or death, especially when our attachment system is impacted.

When I worked in domestic violence, jealousy was the most dangerous emotion that negatively impacted both parties. So, learning and teaching skills that normalize, acknowledge, and alchemize jealousy are very important.??When I worked on an anti-violence hotline, we often helped by simply coaching to count down breath in order to create more coherence, and then from there, to take action. Peer group rhetoric or coaching was the number one predictor of whether jealousy would lead to violence.

3)?Share wisely.??Jealousy can also be the most vulnerable emotion to share, as other emotions, such as anger, shame, and embarrassment, may interfere with the capacity to healthily express and seek reassurance. So, retaliation, sabotage, or stonewalling often occur instead. So, if someone is brave enough to admit their jealousy without blame, consider offering Grace.??Check yourself and see if you are acting nonconsciously or in your shadow...if so, acknowledge and repair...then make a change and stick to it. You can be a helper/healer by normalizing feelings, reassuring, and sharing your own struggles with Jealousy.?Always end with the highest action of the heart and never justify violence or retaliation; it depletes our energy and weakens the spirit.

If you are the brave soul sharing your insecurities or feelings of jealousy remember that timing is key. If sharing your jealousy will ruin your best friend’s wedding or colleague’s promotion, then find a supportive third party so you can show up as a supportive friend when someone needs you to celebrate their big moment. A personal practice of mine is to practice Sympathetic Joy: experiencing joy in others’ happiness as if it is your own… even if the specific joy is not actualized in your life.? Another practice is allowing myself to be in Awe of others’ beauty, magic, and success and not shrink. When struggling with shame, guilt, or jealousy, I turn first to Self-Compassion Letter Writing or Gratitude Journaling.?Check out Kristen Neff if you feel called.

Remember, emotions have action urges, so the quicker we notice, acknowledge, and utilize self-regulation tools, the better.?Emotions start subtly and then become intense if not worked with.

Tips include:

1). Move your body. 2). Get some Space. 3) Allow your breath to flow in and out of the heart region with the intention for Ease/Neutral for 2-3 minutes, and 3) feel yourself get Coherent.?

·?????Know that you are not alone.

·?????From an emotionally steady place, ask your heart for guidance or insight on Right Action.?

·?????Seek out help if you need it.?

·?????Coaching and counseling are great tools to heal deeper wounds related to insecurity and intense jealous feelings.?And sometimes, jealous feelings are signs that we need to change our situation to be in a better environment.

5). Be aware of your behaviors that foster jealousy in others. For leaders and parents, be aware who you prefer and unconsciously give special treatment to.? Our intention isn’t enough. We are accountable for our impact, even when it is unconscious or unintended.?Ask a trusted colleague, friend, or co-parent to help you see who you unknowingly protect, praise, and acknowledge. And who do you miss or not see at all? This requires Radical Honesty.?Then make a change to be more balanced and generous to ALL. Be compassionate with yourself as you make changes. You will likely fail repeatedly. The "favorites" may go through withdrawal, or ....they may surprisingly feel relieved. Deep happiness is harmony.

Lastly, this isn't only a human condition; it's seen in four-legged and two-legged as well. Buy two bones next time! The path of healing and transformation is not meant to be walked alone.

Let us know if you need us!! themokshagroup.com

This article is dedicated to the brave souls looking within! Xo, Sheila