Power Isn't What You Think It Is - How Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy show us the real dance of creating momentum.

Do you know where R.S.V.P comes from? It is an initialism derived from the French phrase "Répondez s'il vous pla?t", meaning "Please respond" (literally "Respond, if it please you"), to require confirmation of an invitation.

Last week, I wrote about why, if you want someone to engage with your idea it’s important to remember that you/your idea is not a “thing” and needs to be chosen. So you have to invite someone to choose your future. And the polite version requires a response.

Response = an action by the other person. It’s the first sign of momentum. What happens next is usually something fun.

I’ve spent probably the last decade studying and watching how people respond to ideas and invitations to the future. Observing what gets people going, and what doesn’t. Why someone might look at me and say “Oh sh*t yes.” or “I’m not sure what to do with this.” And you know what I’ve realized?

Making momentum for the future is not a linear process.

Unlike a traditional sell (please buy this future) or tell (you’ll do this because I said so), there’s way more at play. And unlike the “pen in the box” conversation we had last week, the future requires belief in an ambiguous future. Belief in the future is nuanced at almost every turn and is the key ingredient in creating momentum.

And the nuances - Power, Potential, and Intrigue.

This week we’re going to unpack Power. I mean, why not start with the controversial one?

First, I want to invite you to play along so you can see what I mean.

In any interaction where real value is being created, there are always four dimensions at play: how you see yourself, how you see others, how they see themselves, and how they see you.

Think of someone you need to work with to get something important done.

Right now:

• How do you see yourself?
• How do you see them?
• How might they see themselves?
• How do you think they see you?

Just sit with that for a moment. Feel how these perceptions either create flow or cause friction in your work together.

This dance of perception happens in every interaction where something meaningful is at stake. And with perception comes power, not fixed power but fluid power that shifts based on how we see ourselves and each other.

To help make sense of this flow, I have identified four distinct states that capture these dynamics.

Are there nuances and spectrums within each? Absolutely. But these four states give us a powerful lens for understanding where momentum comes from or why it is blocked.

Each of these states represents a different balance of power and perception. The more aligned the perceptions, the more fluid the movement. As you read through these you’re going to have to shift through the different states.

The Four States of Power Perception

Liked

• When you are viewing others: You are optimizing for “liked” when you assume they have all the power. They decide if they like you.
• When you consider how others view you: You are asking yourself, Will they like me? You are seeking their approval.

Example: I’m pretty confident in both my capabilities and power. But if my phone rang and Bette Midler was on the other line I’d wobble. Wobble HARD. I’d have a hard time not listening to the voice that will be SCREAMING in my head saying “OMG! I hope she likes me.”

Real World Example: EVERY single person who’s joined me on stage for a Transformation has answered the question “How do you answer the question what do you do?” with an answer that also SCREAMS “Please like me.” 100% of the time.

Wanted

• When you are viewing others: The power between you and the other person is balanced. You can be yourself, and they can be themselves. These are your besties.
• When others view you: The voice in your head is usually silent with them but if they are saying something it’s “I can be exactly who I am.” Pure confidence in mutual value.

Example: In 2017 I wrote about the incredibly collaborative relationship I had with two colleagues, Stacey DeLarios and Adrian DeSouza. Here’s a snippet of what I had to say “During this period Stacey, Adrian, and I leaned on each other in a way that I’d never experienced before. It wasn’t planned or even discussed, but we had this immediate and mutual respect for our individual talents. Not only that, but we sought each other out to work through problems that weren’t necessarily in our “lane” of responsibilities but were in our “lane” of unique talents.” We had balanced power perceptions of each other.

Invited

• When you are viewing others: You tend to give them a bit more power because you want them involved but ask them, rather than assume or hope.
• When others view you: The voice in your head is getting the message “They need me to join.” You know they are seeking your specific value.

Example: I’ve spent an unusually large amount of time talking to people about Quantum concepts recently. I don’t get it and I wanted to. So what did I do? I asked some LOVELY people (thank you Chris, Alex, and Darien) and they’ve been incredibly helpful and patient. I “Invited” them to talk to me. Yes, this difference is nuanced, but it’s important. As I hope you’ll see. (see that? I just invited you to keep reading)

Honored

• When you are viewing others: They are doing it because I said so. You hold all the power.
• When others view you: You have all the power, and they are acting accordingly.

This one is particularly tricky. Some people spend their lives seeking to be Honored, assuming that once they reach that status, everything will move easily. Others find themselves in a position of Honor only to realize that being Honored can become a place where you’re the only one creating momentum.

Example: I’ve written about this idea too. My inbox exploded years ago when former President Barack Obama said, “Just learn how to get stuff done.” My response? President Obama had an Honored problem. In the Oval Office, people were running around either waiting for him to tell them what to do or trying to impress him.

What makes this state unique is that some people seek to be Honored, believing it will give them control, while others find themselves placed in Honor and realize it can limit real movement. The leaders I work with tend to fall in the second category. I’ve yet to collaborate with any CEO who hasn’t at least once sighed and said to me, “I wish they weren’t afraid of what I’d say. I trust them.”

Yes, I know. This is a really weird concept to grasp. And there is nuance all over the place. And this is only the perspective YOU have of other people. Here is what makes this fascinating and complicated. While you are having this inner dialogue about your power and their power, they are having the exact same conversation in their head.

You are thinking about how you see yourself and how you see them. They are thinking about how they see themselves and how they see you.

That is four different perceptions happening simultaneously in every interaction.

No wonder momentum can be tricky to create.

A moment ago, I invited you to wait. Well done. You’ve made it here. My hope is that you’re intrigued and starting to recognize these patterns. To make them even clearer, let’s look at a famous story where momentum and misalignment shape every major interaction.

Let me introduce you to the stars of the show, Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy of Jane Austen’s Pride & Prejudice.

A Familiar Story of Mismatched Perception

Most people think Pride and Prejudice is a love story, where two people overcome misunderstandings and fall in love.

Some see it as a story of personal growth, where Elizabeth learns not to judge too quickly and Darcy learns to temper his pride. Others view it as social commentary on class, marriage, and the limitations placed on women in the early 19th century.

All of these interpretations are valid, but they miss something deeper. The story is really about momentum and how perception, power, and choice determine whether people move forward together or remain stuck in their assumptions.

What if Pride and Prejudice isn’t just about love? What if it is about what it takes to create motion in any relationship?

Take a look at what I’ve created for you. This matrix maps how Elizabeth and Darcy shift through these states at key moments in Pride and Prejudice, showing how their perceptions of themselves and each other determine whether momentum is blocked or in motion. I know, it’s hard to read so you can view a bigger version here.

Notice how the potential for momentum only happens when both people are in Wanted or Invited? Look at how these states shape every interaction in their story. When Darcy first proposes, he demands Honor while Elizabeth barely Likes him. Their mismatched states make connection impossible.

Only when they both shift, him from demanding Honor to creating Invitation, her from protective judgment to seeing new possibilities, can momentum begin. And, surprise, it starts with an invitation.

We see these same patterns everywhere value is being created:

• Leaders who demand Honor get compliance but not creativity.
• Teams stuck in Liked never reach their potential.
• True collaboration emerges from mutual Want.
• The best opportunities come through genuine Invitation.

When both parties can move between Wanted and Invited states, they create a dance of mutual value and possibility. Now that you understand this framework, you can see it with the people who make it easy (or not) to create the future with. And yes, 50% of that power equation is all about you.

An invitation creates conditions where everyone chooses to step forward.

Where Is Your Momentum?

So when I ask, What if your future already had momentum? this is what I mean.

Real momentum emerges when both parties dance between Wanted and Invited states. Not in Liked, where power is unbalanced. Not in Honored, where potential gets stuck and momentum is impossible. But in that space where both people can see value and create possibility together.

Where in your world might you be stuck in Liked when you could be operating from Wanted? Where are you demanding Honor when an Invitation would create more possibility?

Because like Mr. Darcy, if you start with an invitation, you might just create the future with someone who sees potential too.

Did this spark something for you? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

If you’re not following me on LinkedIn, I share ideas there almost daily about Power, Potential, Intrigue, and what’s ahead. Here’s what you might have missed last week, conversations that got people talking.

• Are you an “Affirmation Addict”? Check out Wayne’s ideas on people-pleasing.
• Brian Cox (physicist ) was invited to say something to the COP leadership. They gave him 60 seconds. I took up the challenge.
• The folks at Gallup asked a question. What does everyone want? Hope.