The Power of Holding Back

Know But Not Tell

Many of us expect to be told what to do. At least how to start if not everything. When we can’t or don’t do what was to be done, we whine about our bosses/elders/mentors not telling us exactly what needed to be done. So, are they supposed to tell us everything? No, says research and philosophy.

Be it leadership, relationships, business, or life, there is power in what you don’t say.

I am not saying you should withhold truth or manipulate a situation. It’s just common sense understanding when one needs to be silent and allow people to think or act.

Any good book or movie will excite the audience only if tells things the reader/view already didn’t know. Ernest Hemingway in his Theory of Omission in Writing says albeit in different words - the test of a story is in not writing what you already know.

Life works the same way. People grow best when they don’t have every answer!

Silence Speaks Louder

Effective leaders, mentors, negotiators or coaches do not dominate conversations. They guide, listen, and wait. Something I am learning, but still working on.

1. Leadership

Many managers or team members think that leadership is about having all the answers. It’s not. The top leaders ask questions instead of giving solutions. When teams are challenged to think, and allowed to test, they tend to find their own way.

A leader who interferes or always watching their people creates dependency. But a leader who holds back creates strength.

2. Friendship

We’ve all seen this happen. A friend opens up on something, and suddenly we start giving advice. But are they actually in need of advice or a person who can listen?

When you jump in with answers, you might think you’re helping, but in most cases, you’re just forcing them to shut down. And you leave them with unexpressed emotions.

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3. Relationships

Honesty is important. But not every thought that comes to your mind needs to be shared. Choosing words wisely help prevent conflicts and even misunderstandings. Nothing like a well-timed pause to start from becoming an argument. None of those “I told you so”s and more of listening.

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4. Business & Negotiation

In business, there is a saying “the person who talks the most doesn’t necessarily win”. Again, knowing when not to say anything can work out to your advantage.

While doing negotiations (sales or strategy), revealing too much, too soon, can weaken your position. The best negotiators let the other side speak more. The more they talk, the more they reveal. Make your case and shut up. And also, don’t open your mouth when somebody is already writing a cheque.

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5. Sports

In any game, whether football, cricket or chess, the coaches don’t open their entire playbook with all the players. Holding back keeps the team guessing and competitive. A boxer doesn’t throw all his punches in the first round.

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Silence is NOT ALWAYS an Option

While I say that “knowing but not telling” is a powerful tool, obviously there are some limitations. I always believed that people should have certain standards (morals, ethics, law, etc.). As long as the silence is not violating these standards, then there is power in it. Else, the power is corrupted.

• If you know something that endangers yourself or others, then staying silent turns to negligence.
• If you are withholding critical information that affects people’s careers or well-being, then the silence becomes unethical (maybe illegal in certain countries).
• A leader who is silent during a crisis or emergency (either out of ignorance or of losing benefits) causes fear and confusion.

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What psychology & philosophy says about this

This concept is backed by research and philosophy in many ways. Here are a few:

According to The Socratic Method (by Plato), true learning happens through self-discovery, not being given ready answers. Leaders and teachers who guide or ask open-ended questions instead of giving answers help people think for themselves. Look up on this interesting topic.

Daniel Goleman, in his theory of Emotional Intelligence says – knowing when to hold back is a skill. If you are good at self-regulation and empathy, it allows you to listen more, react less, and build stronger relationships.

In the theory of Constructivist Learning, Piaget & Vygotsky write that people tend to remember lessons better when they figure things out on their own. Apparently, knowing too many answers (too soon) could prevent real learning as well.

The best lessons in life are not always taught. In most cases, they are discovered.

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