The Power of Forgiveness: Overcoming Shame, Guilt, and Regret

Last November, I got a bunny for my son and myself. I felt it was high time for a pet, and even though we desperately hoped to get a dog, I am unable to care for one in the way they need at this point in my life. Cats were out of the question since my son is allergic to them.

One day, I had an epiphany about getting a rabbit. They are house pets, don't require much care, and my son would have a pet. So we got Goldie, the fluffiest and sweetest rabbit I've ever seen based on a biased set of data as I have not seen many rabbits on average in my life.

Then, on a Sunday evening as I was working, Goldie came under my desk seeking attention. I dismissed his fluffiness and continued working. Before I knew it, he was hanging from a small table underneath my desk with one paw. It was a terrifying sight to see your pet struggling like that. I managed to get him out, and as I held him, blood was everywhere. Panicking, I called my friend who drove us to the emergency vet. She said:

"Nadja, isn't it ironic that today is the Chinese Year of the Rabbit?"

It was ironic because, from that moment, we had been in and out of the vet's office to treat his infections resulting from the incident. I thought the Rabbit year was to be filling my prosperity pocket, not empty it!

You might wonder why I'm sharing my fluffy bunny story and how it's related to forgiveness.

A few years ago, I would have beaten myself up and held onto feelings of shame, guilt, and regret:

“I should have paid attention.”

“I should have stopped working.”

“I should have played with him."

“I should have left him in the hallway until I was done."

“Now I am facing karma, pricey karma, as there is no rabbit insurance in Belgium."

“I am a bad fluffy bunny owner.”

This self-punishing language goes on when something goes awry in our lives.

Instead, I focused on the silver lining in every moment.

The day we took Goldie to the vet, another rabbit was brought in. That rabbit could not move its legs and had a neurological problem. Goldie had lost a nail but was still healthy. The Chinese Rabbit year did not start off well in Belgium this year!

Ever since this incident, I am much more present with him and appreciate that I have access to medical care for animals.

I forgave myself for being human in that moment.

I forgave myself for not paying attention.

I forgave myself for making a mistake.

I believe this is what keeps many of us stuck in self-sabotaging behavior and negative inner dialogue, as we think that too much self-love is narcissistic.

Forgiveness is one of the highest forms of self-love you can practice because the more you forgive, the more you transmute the lowest emotional frequencies of shame, guilt, and regret. These emotions weigh heavily on you and can cause all kinds of unwanted symptoms if you don't release them.

And yet, forgiveness can be one of the most difficult things to do, especially if you have been hurt, abused, or mistreated.

In today's reflection, I will share my reasoning behind forgiveness and a list of examples where I forgave and felt inner peace, experiencing a renewed sense of being that was lighter, loving, and compassionate.

I hope it will inspire you to let go of shame, guilt, and regret so you can live a life that is more fulfilled and aligned with your full potential.

Transforming Pain into Strength: The Journey of Forgiving the Roots of Your Suffering

I want to clarify that this is not about my parents at all. Instead, it's about a troubled man from my childhood who took advantage of me when I was six years old. Since this is LinkedIn, I won't delve into personal details, but you can imagine the trauma that ensued and how it shaped my self-image for a long time.

Forgiving this man was the greatest gift I gave to myself and to my son as I want my son to grow up feeling proud to be born a man and embrace his masculinity, never to feel ashamed for it because of what happened to me.

Not everyone will resonate with this, and some may even feel triggered. Being a victim of any kind of abuse is not okay. It's horrible and can take years or even a lifetime to heal. However, often, we end up blaming an entire gender for our personal traumas. When you heal your trauma and forgive, you can still fight against childhood abuse from a place of social responsibility, rather than embarking on a road of personal redemption and ultimately causing more harm.

Some of you may think that sharing this on LinkedIn seems unprofessional on my part. In my humble opinion, what is truly unprofessional is the toxic leadership and behaviors that persist in the workplace, which are frequently traced back to unresolved childhood issues.

Therefore, unless we rip off the band-aid, change the culture at a systemic level, and empower people to experience less suffering and become liberated, human potential will continue to decline in today's challenging and ever-changing era.

Understanding Forgiveness: It's Not about Forgetting

Many people believe that once you forgive, you forget, and the wrongdoers get away without being held accountable. Instead, justice must prevail by holding them accountable. However, forgiveness is not about the offenders; it's about you. It's about accepting that what happened, happened in the way it did, and not wishing it were any different. Wishing for a different outcome keeps you stuck in negative emotions that drain your life force, depriving you of joy, love, and fulfillment.

This doesn't mean that people who commit horrible crimes shouldn't be brought to justice. They absolutely should, as that is the only way to maintain a just and fair society.

Although there are many questionable things happening in today's world, and justice sometimes seems elusive.

But consider the energy you bring into the world when you act from a place of conviction to do what is right rather than seeking revenge. We often hear stories of people who sought revenge and expected their emptiness to be filled once they achieved it. But their emptiness remained, even after exacting revenge. It was only when they forgave that they were able to truly let go.

The Journey of Forgiveness: Embracing Every Emotion

When you get hurt, whether it's through a traumatic experience like abuse or something less severe like feeling rejected by others, you experience a range of negative emotions. If you're taught early on to suppress these emotions, you'll grow up not knowing how to feel. These bottled-up emotions can then resurface later in life, causing all sorts of dysfunctional behaviors. Sound decision-making is clouded by emotions, and sound judgment is absent when faced with emotional triggers. Consequently, the ability to connect with others on a deeper level and build trust is hindered.

This might sound too dramatic for some, but take a moment to consider the ways you may have denied yourself the gift of feeling, all of it.

Normalizing negative emotions is essential for being able to forgive. You have to feel it in order to heal it. And that's the hard part for many because feeling often comes with great discomfort, especially if it's perceived as weak or wrong.

I healed many of my past traumas by feeling the shame, regret, and guilt. I experienced all of it in a safe space where I didn't feel judged and where I didn't judge myself. Never judge yourself for seeking therapy; a good therapist is a gift you give to yourself, one who helps you better understand the root cause of your thought patterns so you can release, let go, and live with a renewed sense of being.

There's no point in trying to forgive others or yourself if you don't feel ready. If you haven't felt the negative emotions stemming from mistakes, dysfunctional behaviors, or rejections, your forgiveness may be superficial, and you'll always harbor deep resentment towards others, yourself, and life in general.

People act based on who they are and the information they have at the time. Often, a positive intention translates into negative behavior.

By forgiving them, I didn't let them off the hook. Instead, I gave myself permission to move forward and focus on my healing journey, allowing me to live up to my potential in every aspect of my life.

For years, I wanted the man who hurt me to suffer for the invisible pain and low levels of self-esteem he caused. I carried that resentment within me and often gave my power away because of what happened early in my life.

When I was around 23 years old, I forgave him. I no longer wished him harm and was finally ready to move on. Around that time, I learned he had died after a long battle with cancer. I didn't revel in this knowledge, nor did I feel sorry for him. Instead, I prayed that he would rest in peace.

Often, we want to play God and ensure people are punished in a way that seems acceptable to us for the pain and suffering they caused. But we are not God. Hurt people hurt people. More pain and more suffering only beget more pain and more suffering. There are other ways to achieve justice in life without holding on to additional pain and suffering.

Learning to Forgive Yourself: A Guide to Inner Peace

Some may argue that making mistakes and forgiving yourself every time is a display of narcissism. After all, how are you held accountable for the impact of your mistakes on others, and where is the consciousness in all of this?

The best definition of narcissism I have ever heard is from the founder of Mindvalley, Vishen Lakhiani. I quote:

“Narcissism is a form of self-love without love for others. That's why practicing compassion will keep you balanced in life, so you don't fall into the trap of narcissistic or self-sabotaging behaviours."

How often do we punish ourselves, if we have any consciousness, for mistakes? Big mistakes, small mistakes, terrible mistakes, and innocent mistakes?

How often do we give others the silent treatment when they hurt us or when they don't act the way we want them to?

How often do we hold on to our feelings of entitlement and give away our responsibility for our personal freedom to people, events, and things?

We make mistakes. I make mistakes several times, in all areas of my life. I don't take it personally anymore, as I focus on forgiving myself immediately and concentrate on what went wrong and how I can do better next time. Often, the mistakes lead to something better and bigger. Sometimes, the mistakes lead to burned bridges. But every time when I forgive myself first, I come from a place of clarity where I can focus my clear mental energy on finding a solution and moving forward with wisdom. Beating myself up or dwelling on what went wrong doesn't help anyone. Forgiveness helps us learn faster and become more creative in living life during these confusing times of challenging changes without unnecessary suffering.

Embracing Forgiveness: Affirmations for Inner Peace

Forgiveness is not an easy act and takes time to master, perhaps a lifetime for some. I hope that the list below helps you to stop being hard on others or yourself, and start letting go so you can start to enjoy life more each moment and each day as you figure out the next step of your journey on this planet.

I invite you to make your own list of daily affirmations to remind yourself that you are human, others often mean well, and it is ok to forgive and let go when you feel ready.

• I am not my anger; I feel my anger so I can release it.
• I am not my sadness; I feel my sadness so I can feel lighter in life.
• I am not my hurt; I feel my pain so I don't let it turn into suffering.
• I am not my shame, as shame is a judgment I can release.
• I am not my guilt, as I forgive myself for my mistakes.
• I am not my regret, as I did what I knew best at that time.
• I am not wrong for being me; I am learning how to accept all of me instead.
• I am not upset with others as I understand that people feel fears I know nothing about.
• I am not entitled as I am grateful to experience the blessings in my life with humility.
• I am not social media as there is no algorithm in the world that defines my self-worth.
• I am not my toxic behaviours as I now understand that it was a coping mechanism until I learned to release the past.
• I am a wonderful parent as what truly counts is the love I feel for my child, and the presence I share when I am with them.
• I embrace my ambition as a woman and as a mother, and I forgive society for placing limitations on me that were never mine to begin with.
• I forgive people's language and instead ask them to be more mindful next time. They often mean well.
• I forgive myself for all the unspoken before my father left us behind. I can speak now, and I know he hears me, wherever he may be.
• I forgive myself for playing small and allowing others to treat me less. I take back my power and will not tolerate anything that harms my soul.
• I forgive myself for burning bridges I never intended to burn. I learned from my mistakes and apply the wisdom to build new bridges with a stronger foundation.
• I forgive myself for limiting myself and not reaching for greater potential because of narrow beliefs. I understand that my personal power is limitless.
• I forgive life for the harsh lessons and events, as I now understand that they were meant to shape my resiliency so I can continue to break brick walls on my journey on this planet.

Thank you for supporting me and being a part of this community. I appreciate your time, and I hope you'll join me in spreading awareness about mental health, as we all strive to find peace amidst these challenging and uncertain times.

Love,

Nadja ?? ?? ??