The Power of Forgiveness

Justin is the youngest in his family. He’s a remarkable kid who came into the children’s program with a smile, rolled up his sleeves, and poured his heart into every activity. This ten-year-old lives in a “looking good family” but stress and trouble lurk just beneath the surface.

On the third day of the program, Justin stopped me in the hallway. “Can you come with me to my dad’s group this afternoon?” I gave him a high five and reassured him that I would be there every step of the way. Together, we were ready for the challenge. Justin would get the chance to tell Dad about how addiction has been hurting his family. His mom and grandparents, all participating in the family program, would also be present.

Justin grabbed my hand and held it tightly as we headed to Dad’s group. “I’m scared,” he blurted out “I just don’t want to hurt my dad.”

“I don’t want you to do that either,” I reassured him. “You will be telling on addiction. That disease hates it when people speak the truth.” He looked relieved and picked up his pace. We sat on the floor outside the group room and waited to be invited inside. Justin looked at me with a playful grin. Before I could protest, he gave me a wet willie! We looked at each other and started laughing. I marveled at how this amazing kid could so quickly go from serious to silly.

We entered the group room. Justin poignantly shared with his dad how much he hated addiction but loves his father. Many in the group were moved to tears. Most participants had grown up in families hurt by substance use and mental health disorders. They were deeply touched. When I asked if he had anything else to say, tears rolled down his cheeks. Justin looked at his dad and declared, “Stop hurting my mom. You call her mean names and I once saw you hit her.” Justin’s words rocked the group. “Sometimes I get scared of you, but I love you, Dad.” Justin reached out and melted into his dad’s arms. They held one another and both sobbed.

On the fifth and final day of the program, Justin and I were invited to attend a forgiveness group. Even though Justin was fully prepared for this process, he was still very nervous. Soon after we arrived, the family therapist invited Justin and his dad to move their chairs to the middle of the circle. It took Dad several moments and a few deep breaths before he could begin. With tears streaming down his face, Dad asked, “Son, will you forgive me for not spending time with you, calling you names, and hurting your mom?” Justin thoughtfully responded, “I forgive you”. Dad nodded his head and smiled. Then Justin added, “Please play with me twice a week.”

?Grandpa, five years in recovery from a substance use disorder, joined Justin’s dad out in the middle. Chills went down my spine as this seventy-one-year-old spoke to his son. “Will you forgive me for drinking instead of spending more time with you, calling you awful names, and hurting your mom?” It was as if Dad and Grandpa had written up their forgiveness lists together. You could see addiction and trauma passed through the generations.

Dad cried as he heard these words and let them sink in. He shared, “I need more time. I’m working on this. I now realize I can’t carry all this old baggage and stay sober.” They embraced and held each other for several seconds.

Justin’s dad made his way back to the circle, but Grandpa didn’t move. Finally, he covered his face with his hands and sobbed. After a couple of minutes, I asked him what was happening. He looked up and softly replied, “I just forgave my own dad.”

This family embarked upon a healing journey. Mom and Grandma joined in, too. When we include and welcome children and other family members, the whole family, both individually and collectively, can find a path to help, hope, and healing. Addiction tends to run in families, but recovery can too!

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