The Power of Forgiveness

As a recovering people pleaser and an HSP (highly sensitive person), apologizing is the LEAST of my concern. What IS, however, a concern is deciphering who is worthy of forgiveness and who is not.

Over the past decade, I found myself swinging from one end of the extreme to the other and now, I am proud to announce, I've found the secret sauce:

Always forgive BUT set firm boundaries.

(I will talk about boundaries separately in the future)

Before you go angry typing at the comments section, hear me out: Forgiveness is a selfish act and it should remain that way. ??

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; yet you are the one who gets burned." - Buddha

Forgiveness SHOULD be a selfish act because it is an act of self-perservation and self-love.

Buddha's correct. When we hold onto bitterness, resentment, anger, frustration, or any negative emotion for that matter...

We hurt no one but ourselves.

Forgiveness, therefore, should always be an act of selfishness; to release that hot coal and let it go, with love, compassion, and kindness.

People make mistakes and it is inevitable and a part of life. Through extending kindness, compassion, and grace to yourself, you can do it for others as well. I have been told that seeing the best in others is a very beautiful quality of mine and I do not intend for the world to strip that away from me, regardless of the adversity. How a person reacts and comes out of situations are a reflection of them and their strength of character.

How a person reacts and comes out of situations are a reflection of them and their strength of character.

I will always do my best to be kind because that is who I am and it is what I preach. Kindness always attracts more kindness but to stop yourself from being taken advantage of, boundaries are needed so you are safe and protected in the process.

ALL of the kindest, most beautiful souls I've met have gone through insurmountable amounts of pain, darkness, and suffering but they came out kinder, more compassionate, and more understanding towards others. I have also met people who have gone through darkness and let it consume them whole.

Hurt people hurt people but healed people heal people.

Do not hold onto the hot stone. Let it go and liberate yourself.

How is forgiveness selfish?

By choosing to forgive, you are choosing to release yourself from the negative emotions that bind you to the person/ situation. Whether or not you choose to forgive the individual is ultimately up to you (I am not the forgiveness police here) but forgiveness is about you choosing to process through all of the emotions you are feeling and to release it so it does not get stored in your body (or live rent free in your mind), thus destroying you from the inside out (if you have not read any books on Trauma, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk, is a great place to start).

Forgiveness is an act of self-love. It is less about wanting to reconcile with the other person (they may not deserve it but we're not arguing that here) and more about releasing the pent up emotions that are destroying you inside out.

Anger is probably the most insidious of them all. It will stick to you like glue until you REALLY sit through it and figure out WHAT is really underneath it.

Is it sadness, abandonment, betrayal, fear...?

Saying you are angry is like saying you like music. It gives us no real useful information.

I'm not saying forgiveness is an easy feat and it takes an incredible amount of time, energy, and effort to do but from my own personal experiences, it has made me significantly happier (and 100x more grounded and zen) as a person! Processing the emotions sucks (a LOT) but I found that in the process, I've learned more about my needs and how I can errect better boundaries to protect myself and the relationships I have with others. We never want to reach a point where we resent others that we are trying to build relationships with, regardless of the capacity and dynamics.

How can I start to forgive?

Ah, the age old question. It is going to differ from person to person and I can't promise you what will work for me will work for you but I can share some things I've done over the years. These are not listed in a particular order so try them all, see what works and if you discover new ways outside of mine, please let me know!

• Meditation: The literal best thing since adopting intermittent fasting/ low-carb diet (I will save the rave for another time). It has singlehandedly changed my entire brain structure. I used to be incredibly pessimistic, negative, depressed, and just generally not a good time but by forcing myself to meditate, slowly but surely, I really learned to just be present with myself and my thoughts. It's given me so much clarity on where my thoughts came from and if they are my thoughts or a "program" of someone's thoughts instilled into me and giving me the illusion that they are my own thoughts (ie. parents, society, trauma, environment, etc.).
• Mindfulness: I made this a separate bullet point because you can be mindful without needing to do meditation and I wanted to differentiate the two. The purpose of mindfulness is to be present, regardless of the task, time of day, situation, or even circumstances. Adopting mindfulness pulls you away from the past and the future to focus on the only moment that exists, the now. By practicing it daily, you recognize you can literally break out of any preconceived programming by simply making a different choice and trying it out a few times in order to break out of your old patterns. By grounding in the now, solutions can come to you significantly faster because you are able to tap into your solutions-focused brain as opposed to your emotional-brain and when emotions run high, logic runs low. When you are grounded and show up for yourself whole-heartedly, you can do the same for others and that is a powerful gift to give to others!
• Journaling: It helps to do a mental dump onto a piece of paper of all of the things running through your mind about the person/ situation so it clears your mental load . When you have dumped everything out onto a piece of paper and consistently over time, you can go back and begin to identify repeating themes and that is powerful in reaching your own healing breakthroughs.
• Axe Throwing: Nothing like imagining the object of your negative affections on the chopping block ?? Jokes aside, it really helps you channel out the anger and you feel 1000x better after landing a nice bulls-eye on the target! When you get some of the anger and rage out of your body, you are able to relax and better care for yourself.
• Gym: The less aggressive version of axe-throwing but with the same outcome. It helps release pent up energy in the body and what better replacement for emotional pain than physical pain and gains while you're at it! If you are not into lifting or running, there are other alternatives. The goal is to MOVE YOUR BODY!
• Be in nature: I don't know about you but whenever I am in a bad mood, a walk in nature - free from the phone, music, or any other distractions - fixes me right up, especially if there is a body of water I can stare at. In general, being in and with nature help put life into perspective at how minute our problems are in the grand scheme of things (seriously, we are a spec in time so don't sweat it. If you had a bad day, try again tomorrow! It'll be better so long as you keep trying and doing better than you did the day before).
• Praying: I am not religious by any means but I would say I am very spiritual. Even if you are neither, I do think that asking for strength outside of you in a very weird unexplainable way makes you feel lighter and enables you to do things more easily. The secret is you have to genuinely put your heart out there when you are asking god/ universe/ powers that be to support you in your endeavours. It is something that took a long time and a lot of resistence from me but throwing my wishes out there and asking for help in the form of god has DEFINITELY stopped my overthinking and enabled me to be more grounded in the present moment by "giving" my problem away to god and focusing on doing my best in the moment to moments.

Feeling through the emotions + remaining curious

The points above will all help you process emotions in varying capacities but at the root of it, you MUST feel through it ALL. Every wave of emotion will come in like a wave and just when you think you're good, it will come back again. However, each time it will affect you less and less so long as you keep transmuting it productively.

Will it suck? Yes. However, the reality is what you do NOT feel through, WILL persist with increasing intensity until it feels like a tower moment, where suddenly, unexpected change and upheavel happens, bringing about chaos and destruction. I don't know about you but I would rather face it head on and resolve it before it derails my life.

“Cows run away from the storm while the buffalo charges toward it – and gets through it quicker.” - Wilma Mankiller

Feelings serve as a compass to help you navigate through life's intricacies and complexities easier. When you feel through the emotions, your body is purging stored energy, similar to how impalas release trauma . If you notice yourself repeatedly getting triggered and having similar reactions, it means there may be an underlying, deeper issue. My sincere suggestion is to seek professional support with a therapist. EVERYONE benefits from a therapist and it is the best investment you can make in yourself.

When you reach a point where you are genuinely at peace with the situation (ie. no bitterness, anger, resentment, limerance, etc.) it means you have untethered yourself from the past.

What's Your Secret to Forgiveness?

Channel everything in life through a lens of love and see others' pain as a result of fear programming.

I have boiled all of existence down to a fear/ love scale. People do not see things through our lens and we can't see it through theirs either. I have learned through over a decade of failure that I cannot explain, justify, understand, or even process another's way of thinking because they are not me and in that there has to be grace. I choose to see things from their perspective, through a lens of compassion and kindness - that perhaps their life path is no longer supposed to be in sync with mine and that's ok. We all grow at a different pace and that's also ok. Forgiveness and understanding are the easiest to give when we have healed enough to be able to step outside our own frame of reference (this is part of emotional fitness ) to better understand another's without blame or shame for a perspective differing your own.

I do often wonder, if we as humans can strip ourselves of our ego and live fully embodied heart-centered lives, how beautiful would our world be? Unfortunately, a lot of us are still deeply rooted within our egos and it would literally take lifetimes before majority of our population recognizes how intimately connected we all are but maybe a talk for another time. For now, I hope you find it in your heart to extend some love to yourself to forgive and liberate yourself from the shackles of your past.

With love,

Fionne

Additional fun readings, videos, information:

https://www.6seconds.org/2022/03/13/plutchik-wheel-emotions/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mEK2pIiZ2I0

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/in-flux/202009/5-reasons-why-its-important-forgive

https://www.joincoa.com/emotional-fitness

https://medium.com/age-of-awareness/how-to-use-wheel-of-emotions-to-express-better-emotions-8037255aa661

https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/forgiveness-your-health-depends-on-it#:~:text=Studies%20have%20found%20that%20some,%2C%20stress%2C%20anger%20and%20hostility .

https://openpress.usask.ca/introductiontopsychology/chapter/the-experience-of-emotion/#:~:text=The%20Cannon%2DBard%20theory%20proposes,cognition%20combine%20to%20create%20emotion .

https://www.thegoodtrade.com/features/genuine-apology/?utm_source=The+Daily+Good&utm_medium=newsletter&utm_campaign=read