The Power of Empathetic Listening

I hear active listening thrown around as a buzz word a lot and I’m sure you have too, but just so we are clear, active listening and paraphrasing is when you repeat back to the person what you think she or he said to make certain you understand. This can be a great tool, but like all tools it has its time and place. There are times you need to tune into your EQ and employ empathetic listening, paying attention to another person with empathy (identifying their emotional state). Empathetic listening is when you ask how the person feels about the situation or make a statement about how you believe the person feels. Empathetic listening goes beyond simply acknowledging what the person is saying and acknowledges how they are feeling, even if they aren’t saying it.

Empathy is not sympathy. Whereas sympathy is "feeling for someone," empathy is "feeling as someone." For example, you may feel badly for your friend or about their situation. To differentiate, many people say that empathy is “putting yourself in their shoes” and feeling as they would.

Listening empathetically means being able to put yourself aside. It requires listening without judgment, even when you disagree with the other person view. It differentiates between acknowledging and approving or agreeing. Your opinion is irrelevant. You aren’t trying to solve their problem. You are simply listening, fully, and tuning into how they are feeling.

Putting yourself aside also means refraining from imagining how YOU would feel if it were YOU. Sound contradictory? It’s not. And here is where many people go wrong with their understanding of empathy and putting themselves in other people’s shoes.

First, let’s discuss another commonly misunderstood concept.

The Golden Rule: Do unto others the way you would have them do unto you.

Most people interpret this as determining how you would want others to treat you and then treat them that way. Seems simple enough if you’re talking about respect or being polite. However, the simple example of someone being sick quickly shows the error in this interpretation of the golden rule. When you are sick, do you enjoy being doted on and having someone take care of you? Or, do you prefer to be left alone in your peace? If you prefer the doting, you may dote on others who are sick, but what if they prefer to be left alone? You are doing unto them as YOU would want done unto you. This is not what THEY want. They want to be left alone. Social Style is a huge factor here and something I will share more about in a subsequent blog. If we are truly focused on others, then we need to rethink the Golden rule and introduce the Platinum rule.

The Platinum Rule: Determine what others would want done unto them and do that. That is what you would want done for you, isn’t it?

Now, let’s look at the phrase“empathy is putting yourself in another person’s shoes”. Where many people get hung up is that they imagine themselves being in the same position as the other person, asking themselves “how would I feel if it were me?” However, when we do this, we are putting OURSELVES into the situation. It’s closer to empathy, but not exactly there.

To truly empathize, you must take on the other person’s perspective, not your own.

Rather than viewing what the other person is expressing (saying or feeling) through your own filters, your own experiences, your own beliefs and your own feelings, your goal is to remain open and be able to understand them from their own perspective.

?       Am I feeling bad for the other person? If so, it’s sympathy.

?       Am I talking too much or relating their situation to something in my own life experience? If so, it’s not a bad thing, but it would be better if you recognized this, and shifted your attention back to the other person. Resist any temptation to talk about yourself to find common ground. Just listen and focus on THEM, not you.

?       Am I imagining myself being in their position? Good, now remove all judgmental thoughts, such as “this is bad”. Instead of thinking “if this were ME, I would feel ___” ask yourself, “if I were THEM, knowing what I know about them, how would I feel?” If you don’t know enough about them and their situation to differentiate between how they may be feeling vs. how they would feel, ask additional questions.

The point here is that just because you feel emotional regarding what someone else is expressing does not necessarily mean you are empathizing. It is important to know that you are feeling your OWN emotions, not theirs, and to practice minimizing this. To pick up on someone else’s emotion, first you must stop having your own. Then you can pick up another’s feelings empathetically by observing cues of their physical state, such as tears, tone of voice, posture, language, expression, and so forth. You can then take their perspective, as if you were THEM and imagine what it would be like. In this case, your empathy is based on observation and carefully assuming their position rather than your emotional response.

The goal of empathetic listening is to listen and respond to them in a way that:

?       Increases your true understanding of their perspective, frame of reference and feelings

?       Makes them feel understood, affirmed, validated and that they can trust you

By doing this you can more accurately perceive some else’s true desires and guide them appropriately. By showing the other person you are listening and understanding them you develop trust and respect and it promotes them being more likely to hear you when you need to coach them to push through their resistance or obstacles.

Steps to Empathetic Listening:

1.     Provide the speaker with your undivided attention.

2.     Be non-judgmental. Don’t minimize or trivialize the speaker’s issue. Don’t confuse it for your own issue.

3.     Read the speaker’s state. Observe the emotions behind the words. Is the speaker angry, afraid, frustrated, resistant, or resentful? Respond to the emotion as well as the words.

4.     Be quiet. Don’t feel you must have an immediate reply. Often if you allow for some quiet after the other person has expressed themselves, they themselves will break the silence and offer a solution.

5.     Ensure your understanding. Ask clarifying questions and restate what you perceive the speaker to be saying and specifically, feeling.

6.     The last step is to move forward with the coaching process of giving them your observations, feedback, and examples and then discussing options and strategies for change.

I hope these tips make you a better leader, manager, coach, or mentor.