The Power of Discomfort, Humility, and Repetition in Leadership

Article Two in the Series: The New Tough: Establishing a Foundation of Caring

In article one of this series, The Zombie Leader: Three Ways Leadership is in Crisis, I suggested that leaders can overcome becoming a “zombie” leader and begin their journey toward The New Tough by taking four steps: accepting feedback, becoming aware, raising the standards of their own communication, and demonstrating concern for the teams in their care. Now that we have received the anti-zombie serum, it’s time to take the next step in the journey toward becoming a New Tough Leader (NTL) – becoming a lighthouse rather than a tugboat.

An NTL is a role model, a guiding light, a familiar sound. When one approaches the dangerous rocks, the light is piercing and the sound deafening. When at a safe distance the light is still visibly present and the sound faint. That is the NTL; resolute in their presence, confident they are positioned well, caring for those that need gentle guidance and prepared to occasionally issue a sharp warning when needed.

There are three important leadership skills that will serve the NTL as they act as the lighthouse to their teams: discomfort, humility, and repetition.  

Our growth is proportional to our discomfort. Psychologist (and Rabbi) Dr. Abraham Twerski once related the process of psychological and emotional change and growth as being akin to a lobster molting from its shell. The process is timely, difficult and painful but in the end, one is more comfortable and “larger” as a result of the experience. Though humans are not often forced to undergo such physical discomfort in order to achieve growth, similar examples of discomfort can be found in nearly every aspect of life when a process, situation, skill, or piece of feedback has led to an awareness that fostered an insight resulting in a new understanding or behavior. But unlike the lobster, our growth as humans and leaders is limited by our willingness to accept the need for change. A leader may provide or be provided exceptional insight that would lead to new levels of success, but if the individual receiving the insight is unable or unwilling to take the risk of discomfort, the opportunity for growth is cut short.

The NTL knows that feedback will provide the opportunity for both awareness and discomfort and that both of these emotions are desirable. An NTL is able to challenge themselves in this discomfort with two skills: 

1. Tell the team member how they are feeling when provided with or providing feedback, showing a willingness to be vulnerable and
2. Follow up with insightful questions focused on the desire for deeper understanding of the feedback, the willingness to be uncomfortable in the pursuit of growth, and a building of mutual trust.

Humility inspires confidence and approachability. A lighthouse was not designed to have its light shine inward, reflecting the beauty of its structure. The beacon of a lighthouse must shine outward in order to effectively guide and direct ships toward safety. The beauty of its design is that while the lighthouse beacon shines outward, it also reflects back upon itself. Likewise, true NTLs shine their light outward to those who are doing the daily work. As a result, the NTL receives light back from their team and others as their successes are witnessed. 

The NTL shines brightly outward with a resonant light and voice toward the harbor. Their harbor is one of safety, particularly when storms rage and visibility is poor. NTLs trust the captains of their ships to traverse the storms using their skill, crew, and navigational tools while also prepared to issue sharp warning should they approach danger. By focusing outward, the NTL demonstrates humility and inspires confidence and approachability within the team allowing the NTL to more clearly see the landscape, receive timely information, and adjust for conditions. 

It is the human condition to look inward as habit. The New Tough is about creating the habit of external focus.  

Repetition encourages success. The lighthouse does not extinguish its light nor fail to sound its horn and expect that those who received those messages will not only heed them, but communicate them out to all others and expect their compliance as well. A lighthouse communicates consistently and continually through good weather and bad, all day and all night sending the same messages over and over to create a pattern of understanding and guidance. Similarly, the NTL provides consistent, continual messaging through all challenges creating an atmosphere in which true change and success can be achieved. 

Performing an action once takes planning but performing that action just once does not create change. One cannot expect to get six-pack abs by doing one sit-up or even one set of ten sit-ups just once. For success to occur, actions must be performed over and over, becoming more and more natural and finally becoming habit rather than a planned action. In leadership the lack of consistency and continuity can elicit feelings of being overwhelmed, ignored, or micromanaged - all extreme side effects mitigated through habit.

The New Tough is about creating habits that support the ‘how’ of new behavior patterns. For the NTL, encouraging feedback to increase awareness and encourage open and honest communication creates a habit of mutual success. These habits allow the NTL to serve many creating a safe harbor for developing captains and crew that flourish in any environment often not ‘needing’ the lighthouse, though gaining confidence as it is serves their well-being.

Action Plan. In a given day, week, or month leaders can and will be pulled, wooed, and drawn to change the direction of their lighthouse beacon to appease the whim of others. The New Tough Leader knows that their success depends upon their willingness to experience discomfort for the sake of growth, experience humility to create an atmosphere of confidence and approachability, and provide adequate repetition to create positive habits in order to lead their teams to successful outcomes. 

Ken Kilday is an inspirational leadership coach and consultant whose focus is on coaching to individual strengths and fostering growth beyond self-imposed limitations. His passion for helping others achieve leadership excellence is the motivation for this series of articles in anticipation of the formal launch of his Executive Coaching / Speaking / Consulting company in September. Connect with Ken via LinkedIn and Twitter.