The Power of a Deep Breath in Difficult Dialogues

Convert every conflict into an opportunity for growth? How?

Mastering the art of conflict management could redefine your relationships in both your work and personal spheres. Learn practical strategies for approaching and receiving conflict in effective and productive ways. There's a subtle but powerful shift in language that can reduce defensive reactions and open the door to constructive dialogue.

By asking for permission and using a metaphorical 'sword,' we explore how to approach difficult conversations with empathy and clarity. Turn heated exchanges into productive discussions with the power of one simple technique and why it's so effective: taking a deep breath. Through personal stories and practical examples, we illustrate the importance of continuous feedback, and how to use the discomfort of silence in the workplace to your benefit. Enhance your communication and leadership skills and learn how to invite feedback in a way that builds growth and understanding.

What can we do to improve our conflict abilities? To improve our ability to approach and receive?

Let me start with this approach. Continue to use the permission + the sword technique described in the previous article. Here's an example:

"Bob, do you mind if I share with you an opportunity..."

Language is important. Opportunity, perspective, and insight are all good words to use.

Stay away from the word feedback. It often will trigger a negative reaction. It typically triggers an uh-oh, here it comes.

Insight sounds different. Perspective and perception sound friendlier and are often received in a friendlier manner. "Do you mind if I share with you..." That's the permission. Next is the sword. Throw yourself on the sword. "...and I want to hear from you your perspective because the last thing I want to do is make assumptions, because I think that would be unfair to you."

With the sword, now you're owning why you're approaching. You're not just putting them on the defensive. This doesn't mean they hug and accept every word you say. It means you've started off on a much better foot than leading with your emotion when you're receiving conflict.

Then the next important step. A deep breath. Maybe even two.

Look at them and say, "Let me digest this for a second. Do you mind if I take a minute to think about this?" Practice this. Practice asking for time. Time does a wonderful thing in conflict. Think about when you had a fight with a friend at work, and you said things you both regretted. That's emotional. I'm not saying we should be robotic in our exchanges, yet it's emotional. Then when you see your friend in the hallway later, it's clumsy and awkward. "Hey, look, I said some things the other day I didn't mean." And then they respond, "Yeah, me, too. I'm sorry." What was the difference? What changed? Nothing except time.

This is all meant to help slow down your reaction. Practice these steps. As you spend time to think about it, also ask a clarifying question. Stay away from the phrase, "Give me an example," because that typically triggers someone to have a rebuttal and become defensive. What you want to do is ask something more like, "Would you mind diving a little bit deeper? I don't want to make assumptions," or "Could you give me a little bit more context? Dive in a little bit deeper."

On the other side of that statement, meaning if you're the one responding to that request for more context, don't then unload three examples because that conditions the conversation to move in the direction of an argument. This desire to unload and 'one-up' the other person and prove them wrong is not helpful; in fact, it's counter-productive. Conflict is tough, as are approaching and receiving is tough.

The other thing I would encourage you to adopt is something called EAT Feedback. We at Progress Coaching have a whole program on this.

EAT stands for Embrace, Ask, and Tell.

When someone gives me feedback, Embrace. That can look like, "First, thanks for sharing that with me. I appreciate it." That may sound corny or trite, yet the minute you embrace, you've changed your frame of mind. You've absolved yourself of overly reacting with emotion.

Then Ask. When you ask, give that person an opportunity to clarify deeper. For example, "Could you give me some suggestions of where you think I could improve?" All of a sudden, they give you clarification and most of the time, it's not as bad as you thought because the message is more clear.

Then Tell. The tell summarizes and verifies what you've heard. That could look like, "First of all, thanks for the feedback. I love your suggestions about what I could do better in (the topic of feedback, let's say my presentation skills.) Let me tell you what I'm going to do with your feedback."

When you EAT feedback, you have invited that person to come back again. You start to build more trust between you. (Continue the article below the video).

The worst thing that we can hear as leaders, individual contributors, employees, and executives is silence. The minute you have silence, you'll never know where you stand. Here's a perfect example of that.

I had a boss at IBM over 40 years ago. Martha always gave me feedback daily, multiple times a day, and I hated it. She said to me:

"When it's quiet, you'll never know where you stand, and that's an uneasy feeling. We assume we're doing great, but maybe people have just gotten tired of giving you feedback because you've pushed back so hard. They're just tired of doing it."

I'll never forget that. Does that mean I love feedback? Does that mean I don't get defensive? Of course, I still do at times. We all do. We're human. Yet if we practice receiving feedback, practice asking for feedback, practice taking deep breaths, and reflecting before we react, guess what happens? Things get a lot better.

SUPPLEMENTAL COACHING IDEAS FOR IMPROVED CONFLICT MANAGEMENT:

--Ask the person you're coaching to read Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, one chapter a week, and email you two things they learned from the chapter, and one action they took as a result.

--Watch a video on conflict (for example, Conflict Resolution: How to Settle Your Differences Fairly " from BrainPop), and have them watch and itemize two things they're going to put into action as a result of observing the video.

--Provide journal-based coaching as a tool to improve their abilities by reading Resolving Conflicts at Work by Kenneth Cloke and Joan Goldsmith. Then journal what they learned in this specific way-- After each chapter, answer 3 questions: 1) What did you learn? 2) What did you learn about yourself? 3) Based on what you learned, what steps are you going to take in a positive way moving forward?

--Assign them a book to read, Approachability & Coachability: The Secret Sauce to a Great Workplace by Tiim Hagen, and have them follow each week's audio lessons. Have them journal what they've learned about what they read and about themselves after each chapter.

--Set up specific scenarios where people practice conversations of conflict and set up a peer-to-peer coaching network where people practice and only provide positive feedback, in terms of what people did in their effort and the actual dialogue they had. This helps people feel good about getting better.

Being approachable and coachable--?this is the real secret sauce to what's missing in workplace cultures.

Watch the FREE Webinar with Tim Hagen today: Become Approachable & Coachable: The Secret Sauce to Workplace Success

Learn how to help coach individuals to become approachable and coachable. Teach them how to EAT feedback (Embrace, Ask, & Tell) to help them pursue their own development in positive and effective ways. Learn the top 10 tips for approachability and how to implement them in your coaching sphere.