The power of asking for help and accepting it

It was November 2008. I was in Barcelona, had broken up with my boyfriend a few hours earlier, didn't have much money and had about 10 days left of my holiday. That evening I decided to take a train to Galicia and walk more than 100 km along the Camino de Santiago. It would be cheap, I would move my body and I would be able to see the region of my relatives.?

I was naive. And unprepared. My backpack was too heavy, my shoes were inappropriate, andI was not used to walking such long distances from one day to the other. After two days, I was sitting in the middle of a country road, exhausted, trying to understand how I was going to walk another 15 kilometres to the next village. An Irish man in his 30s appeared. He stopped, greeted me, looked at my backpack, at my red face, and told me “You are carrying way too much weight! Let me get some of your stuff to my bag until the next village and then you can sort out what you really need to carry”.

It sounded like exactly what I needed. But in my mind, accepting his help meant that I was not strong enough to carry my own weight! It meant I would have to rely on someone else for the rest of the day. It meant I would have to face my embarrassment at my incompetence to this Irish man. I looked down again at the map and at my feet. I swallowed my pride and replied: "All right, thank you!" He smiled broadly and we walked the rest of the day together.

That night, as I was putting my things away, he came over to say goodbye:

"I'm leaving early tomorrow. I just wanted to thank you for letting me help you. It meant a lot to me," he said almost emotionally.

His words kept me awake that night. Why had I been so reluctant to accept help from others? Not just on the Camino, but in other situations? What was so hard about accepting or even asking for help when I needed it?

Remembering how the Irish man was genuinely happy to have helped me somehow moved me. It made me think about how good I felt when I was able to help others. From that moment on, my relationship with help began to change.

About asking for and accepting help

Curious about all these feelings, I looked for more information. It seems I was not alone, as there is considerable research showing that people are often reluctant to accept or ask for help from others. Several studies have looked at this phenomenon and identified different reasons for this:

• Fear of looking weak or incompetent
• A desire for independence?
• Fear of losing control
• Burden on others
• Fear of vulnerability?

Interestingly, despite these fears, research shows that people are generally more willing to help than we might expect. They found that people in need of help consistently underestimated how willing strangers - and even friends - would be to help them, how positive the helpers would feel after helping them, and overestimated how much the helpers would feel inconvenienced.

Aside from being wrong about our perceptions, overcoming the fear of asking for and accepting help can actually lead to many benefits, including:

• Reduced stress and anxiety
• Faster achievement of goals
• Better relationships and social connections
• Improved problem solving skills

Change of perspective

The real magic of accepting help happened when I remembered how I felt when I was able to help. By changing my perspective from one of focusing on myself and my need to be independent, to one of allowing others to feel valued, I could honestly begin to accept more help. So whenever someone offers to help me, I simply remind myself that not only will I benefit from that support, but I will actually be doing something good for that person in the way they will feel afterwards.

Not only that, but actually offering help to others can have numerous benefits for both the giver and the receiver:

• Improved mood and happiness: The act of giving releases endorphins in the brain, creating a "helper's high" that can lead to increased feelings of well-being and positivity.
• Improved self-esteem and sense of purpose: Volunteering and helping others can significantly boost self-esteem and provide a sense of purpose. It makes individuals feel valued and needed in their community.
• Stronger social connections: Helping others provides opportunities to meet new people, strengthen existing relationships and feel more connected to the community.
• Improved empathy and understanding: Regular involvement in helping behaviours can improve one's ability to empathise with others and understand different perspectives. This increased empathy can lead to better interpersonal relationships and communication skills.

Offering help to others not only benefits the recipient, but also greatly enhances the well-being of the giver. If we reframe independence as interdependence, recognising that everyone depends on others to some extent, we can begin to foster a culture that sees asking for help as a strength rather than a weakness.

And if that Irish man is reading this article this message is for you: you helped much more than by carrying my backpack. Thank you!

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If you know someone struggling with help share this newsletter with them! For more tips and texts follow me in Linkedin: www.dhirubhai.net/in/carolinedessen

And if you want to go deeper into this topic here are some interesting articles:

• Why It’s So Hard to Ask for Help (Harvard Business Review): here?
• The Science Behind Why You Should Ask For Help (Science Friday): here?
• Why being kind to others is good for your health (BBC): here?
• Hesitating to Accept Help? 5 Great Reasons to Get Over It (Inc): here?