The Power of An Apology ... How NOT to Apologise!

Welcome to this edition of Respectful Workplace Insights where we cover 3 examples of how NOT to apologise, and a 7 Step Guide for a Respectful Apology!

Apologising does not always mean you’re wrong and the other person is right. It just means you value your relationship more than your ego. - Mark Matthews

Have you considered the cost of throw away lines such as a simple “Sorry about that” which reinforces the status quo, demeans relationships and impedes performance?

3 Ways of How NOT to Apologise ...

1. The ‘Sorry, Not Sorry’ Apology

When a person appears to apologise, then follows it with a dismissive or defensive statement, it undermines the integrity of any apology.

• Example: A project manager gives a presentation in a meeting and dismisses several suggestions from team members without consideration. Later, one of the team members expresses disappointment that their input was ignored…
• "I'm sorry, but that's just how I am. I’m direct and don’t sugarcoat things. If people can’t handle that, it’s not my problem."
• It demonstrates defensiveness by framing directness as a positive trait, then shifts the blame onto others for not being able to handle it.
• It’s arrogant and dismissive, damaging team dynamics and alienating team members.

2. The Narcissistic Apology

When a person gives a Non-Apology that redirects all the blame on to others.

• Example: A senior team member consistently takes credit for a junior team member’s work. The junior team member summons up the courage to confront the senior team member, expressing that it's hurtful and demotivating:
• "I'm sorry that you feel that way, but honestly, I thought we were all contributing as a team. I didn’t think it was a big deal. Maybe you're just being a little too sensitive about this."
• It suggests the problem lies with the junior team member’s perception rather than their own behaviour.

Blaming others or denying a situation leaves others feeling dismissed and invalidated, further damaging trust and psychological safety in the workplace.

3. The ‘Over-Explaining’ Apology

When a person uses drama, excuses, stories and explanations rather than taking ownership of the situation.

• Example: A team member sends out an email with incorrect data to the entire team, causing confusion and extra work for all.
• "I’m really sorry for sending out that incorrect data. I was super busy all day and had a million other things to do. I’m juggling so much right now, and it’s really hard to keep up with everything. I’ll try to double-check next time, but things have been really overwhelming lately."
• The over-explanation and focus on the person’s busy schedule comes across as an excuse to shift attention to their workload rather than fully owning up to the mistake.

A respectful apology focuses on the issue and the steps to correct it.

7 Step Guide to Making a Respectful and Effective Workplace Apology

1. Listen and Acknowledge the Situation Clearly

Listen to the other person with patience and compassion.

• “Thank you for raising this with me.”
• Demonstrate understanding by acknowledging your actions without deflecting or minimising the situation.
• “I interrupted you during the meeting, and that wasn’t respectful.”

2. Take Full Responsibility

Showing maturity and accountability builds trust - own your mistake without blaming others or offering excuses.

• “I’m deeply sorry” isn’t enough – what can you be responsible for inside the context of the situation and your relationship with the other person?
• “I didn’t allow you to share your ideas, and that’s on me.”

3. Express Genuine Regret

Apologise authentically for the impact of your actions. Focus on how your behaviour may have affected others.

• “I apologise for not giving you the space to contribute. I can hear that was frustrating and disheartening.”
• Empathising with how others feel helps to repair emotional damage. It shows that you care about their experience.
• Give others the space to speak aka shut up and listen. When you apologise to people, make sure to focus on them and understand the harm done to them, not just their feelings.
• Don’t make it about you.

4. Generate a Solution or Way Forward

Suggest ways to prevent the issue from happening again or how you’ll behave differently in the future.

• “Moving forward, I’ll make sure to actively invite your input and not interrupt.”

Offering a clear plan while being open to what others would like to have happen, shows a commitment to change and restores trust.

5. Make Amends, if Appropriate

Offer to make things right through actions, not just words.

• “If there’s anything else I can do to make up for that, please let me know.”
• It demonstrates you’re serious about your apology.?

6. Give Space for the Other Person’s Response / Express Appreciation

Allow the other person to express how they feel and listen to connect without judgment and rejection.

• “I’d like to hear your thoughts on (promised action) to ensure we’re on the same page. Thank you for being generous with me.”
• It signals you're being authentic in making things right, not just ‘getting the apology over with.’

7. Follow Through on Your Promises

Ensure you put your promises into action.

• If you promised to be more mindful of others’ input, listen to connect and include them going forward.
• An apology is only effective if it’s followed by meaningful action.
• Consistency over time is key to rebuilding reliability and trust.

By following these steps, you demonstrate genuine regret, accountability, and a desire to improve.

A respectful and effective apology strengthens workplace relationships.

?Thanks for reading this edition of my weekly Respectful Workplace Insights newsletter.

See you next week!

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Respectful Workplace Insights is a weekly newsletter I am publishing on LinkedIn to highlight?some of the things that get in the way of creating a respectful workplace culture.

Eliminating disrespectful, unproductive and depleting conversations and behaviours that are getting in the way of building respectful alignment and performance is where we start.

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