The Power of Apologies

Let's face it. We all make mistakes. It's as human as breathing or eating. We live most of our lives in a never-ending series of trial and error. That is how we learn what works and what doesn't.?

There are times when our mistakes cause harm to ourselves or others. The damage can be minor or major, insignificant or life-threatening. Regardless, the damage is done, and we must undo it as much as possible.?

Despite the many lessons taught us in childhood, very little time is spent learning to apologize. Our parents gave us the "Say 'you're sorry!" line and maybe the basic framework of "apologize, ask for forgiveness, move on." The modern apology includes so much legalese in an attempt to minimize the damage that you sometimes wonder who the wronged individual was.?

As leaders, you must apologize when you make mistakes because you will make them. So, you might as well learn how to apologize in a way that will move everyone forward.?

When should you apologize? You apologize when there is real or perceived damage to the trust bond between you and others. Trust is a core component of any relationship, especially between leaders and their teams.?

Trust takes a long time to build as it is based on a history of delivered promises and is destroyed in a second if that trust breaks.

?Here is a simple methodology for apologizing.?

1. Acknowledge?- The first step is recognizing that you broke your trust with someone else. In doing so, you damaged the relationship. Notice the accountability is with you and you alone. You can't offer a conditional apology: "I am sorry, but you started it ."It doesn't work that way. Regardless of what the other person did, you acted to create the current situation. There were other ways to solve it, but you chose this path.?
2. Assess the damage?- How much damage did you cause? How hard will it be to resolve the issue? Ask questions to understand how you got into this situation and how you can improve it. Look at it from the injured parties' perspective, not yours.?
3. Contrition?- Express your regret and sorrow over the damage done honestly. If you don't feel sorry, you shouldn't apologize. No one appreciates a "Sorry if I upset you, but I don't think I did anything wrong" weak attempt at an apology. Own up to it and move on.?
4. Restoration?- Explain how you will restore the damage done to the level of trust in the relationship. Expect that it will take time and, in some cases, may only partially be restored.?
5. Ask for forgiveness?- although you were the one who caused the damage, you cannot be the one who can fully undo it. It requires the injured party to accept your apology and forgive you for the damage done. You can't force the issue, or it wasn't a genuine apology. Asking for forgiveness requires humility and patience as the other party works through the process.?
6. ?Rebuild trust?- there will be times when you must go above and beyond normal levels to demonstrate that you are trustworthy. Don't fight the reality of the situation. Instead, embrace the opportunity to rebuild trust stronger than it was in the first place.?

One last piece of advice.?Be quick to apologize and even faster to forgive.?Don't let a bad situation linger; it will only get worse. Resolving your disagreements quickly shows that you are attentive to your relationships, care deeply about their impact, and are willing to forgo being comfortable to maintain them in good order. In the same way, if someone honestly apologizes, take them at their word and move on. Holding onto grudges or damages does little to nothing to benefit you long-term. Forgive them and move on.?

What have you found to be an effective way to apologize when you have done something wrong? Feel free to share your best practices for the benefit of others. Thanks!