Potty Talk

Sharing a work environment with other people can be tricky.

Especially these days. Gone are the days of closed-door offices in lieu of open seating environments or cube farms. Employees are forced to learn to adjust to distractions like noise, smelly lunches and overhearing uncomfortably personal phone conversations. (So glad you finally scheduled that prostate exam, Phil!)

But that's all on the work floor. What I'm talking about happens behind the scenes. Specifically, the bathroom.

In your own home there are certain things you would never do—especially if you share the space with roommates, a family, or a spouse/partner. The only exception to this is if you are a young bachelor, wherein any toilet atrocity is somehow justified. But why do so many of us—who are perfectly neat and civilized at home—turn into farm animals in the office can? Shouldn't the knowledge that someone else is going to use the facilities after you and then yet another someone is going to have to clean up your mess make you more conscientious?

So people please, if you share a bathroom, especially a small one, you need to follow a few do's and don'ts.

1. Do fill up the toilet paper if it's empty. Look man, if you forget this at home you can always yell for your better half to come to the rescue, but at work I can think of nothing more mortifying than realizing there is only a half sheet of TP left too late. Few things are worse than having to yell "Lil help here!" to Ashley from marketing.
2. Don't clog the can. Seriously—know the limits of your toilet. Don't throw Bounty or those pads with wings in there. Also if say your office manager changes the paper from one-ply to two-ply, best to play it safe in case your water pressure isn't two-ply compliant. Flush in batches if need be. No one's saying don't give a good thorough wipe, but having to use the can with floaters just sucks.
3. Don't overflow the wastepaper basket.?If the waste paper basket at your desk was full, would you do that? Would you just throw your refuse on top of a mountainous heap of trash knowing full well it would just fall to the floor?
4. Do use matches, Glade, Lysol, and/or Febreze. Though it smells like a chemical plant, I actually prefer Lysol because I'm a bit of a germaphobe. If your ba?o isn't equipped with spray cans, at the very least burn some sulfur. Especially if lunch was a bean and cheese burrito with a side of steamed cauliflower.
5. Do wipe the seat. I once saw a sign in a bathroom stall that read, "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie, wipe the seatie." Read it. Memorize it. Make it law. Ladies who hover so your precious backsides don't touch the seat—this goes triple for you. You wet it, you wipe it.
6. Don't talk on your cell phone in the stall. Not only is it gross and weird, but other people can hear you—the person you're on the phone with can always tell due to the unnatural porcelain echo.
7. Don't banter at the urinal! It's a fact that some people are pee-shy. I don't care that you can pee onstage in Carnegie Hall in front of a sold-out crowd. Some people can't. Don't cause them further discomfort. What is so important that you can't wait until after you've BOTH washed your hands?
8. Do wash your hands. If I see you leave the bathroom without your hands touching soap and water, I swear I will call your nasty ass out on it. You touch other things that I touch, like the coffeemaker, the creamer, the donuts, the doorknobs. Rinse the damn cooties off your hands, son!
9. Don't read War and Peace in there. If you need reading material, take something brief and non-engrossing. Like a copy of US Magazine or Guns & Ammo. The fact that I know you are in there and I'll have to sit on the toilet seat you bum-warmed is bad enough. Don't make me wait till you get to the end of a 400-page chapter. This goes for Facebooking or Candy Crushing on your phone as well.
10. Don't make a mess of the sink. Go ahead and brush your teeth. Shave even, but don't leave grody food bits or facial clippings all over the sink. I don't want to see the oregano from your Greek salad clinging to the sides of the basin.
11. Do put the seat down in coed situations. Those of us who grew up with older sisters may have been housebroken, but gentlemen if you want to know why this is important try plunking your butt down on a toilet without a seat. If the cold (and sometimes slimy) rim isn't bad enough, the horror of other people's poo water touching your tush may be enough to get you into the habit.