Postpartum Partnership Part 1

The Feelings We Don't Talk About

Things change after kids. You change. Your partner changes. Who you are together changes. And how you feel about each other changes with it. Some of the feelings are wonderful. You see your partner with new eyes, and when you are aligned or they bring positive qualities to the family that you value, it’s wonderful.?

But there are also some uncomfortable things that can be awkward or downright scary to even think about.?

These things should be normalized so we can deal with them like adults and not have all these unrealistic expectations about how we are supposed to feel and what we are supposed to want.?

Some of these changes aren’t true for everyone, but like everything in this book, they are common enough that they need to be said. So far, every mother I’ve shared this list with can relate to most of these.?

As I said at the start of this book, a lot of this book talks about gender dynamic between men and women. So if you are in a same-sex parenting relationship, it's possible this won't apply in the same way or at all.

How women and men feel after kids is often different

How you feel about your child will be different than how you feel about anyone else, especially if you are a mother.? I hate how sexist that sounds, and that kind of talk really pissed me off before I had kids, but besides my own experience, I’ve talked to enough other mothers to see that this is a definite pattern.?

There will be a period of time when you may love your kids more than anyone, including your husband. And for a good stretch of years, it may be hard to imagine anything other than life with kids.?

If you can keep your marriage strong enough and weather the storm (which I hope this book will help you do), eventually, those priorities will begin to rearrange again as your kids become more and more self-sufficient and the day they are likely to leave home draws near. When that happens, you will realize that your partner has been part of your story more than anyone else on the planet and that there is a whole other life coming up for the two of you that will be fundamentally different than the one you had before kids.

Reality #1: You may not care about sex or romance as much as he does

Every week, I meet with a mastermind group. We are two men and two women. As I began to share some of the topics in this book, one of the men, who is a relationship coach, began talking about the importance of keeping the marriage the first priority.? I hear that a lot from men and therapists, but what I've noticed is that men often want the relationship to be the first priority, while mothers often don’t.?

I will tell you here and now that no matter how much you WANT to do that, no matter how much it makes sense and is a good idea, there’s a strong chance that it will not be an actual priority for a very long time.?

I can hypothesize why that is…mothers are the source of new life. If a child dies, the mother can create more. The father wants to protect that source. The mother, being that source, is focused on protecting the life of the child above all else. I have heard some version of that in other places. I didn’t invent that idea. And who knows if it's true? Frankly, it doesn’t matter. You will feel the way you will feel.?

Don’t get me wrong, you will still love your man, but the way you love him, feel about him, and experience him is likely to be different after kids than before, and that experience is likely to remain different for some time. Then, once the kids are getting older and you are looking at life after them, your feelings will change again.

Read Part 2 here: Reality #2 You may have to decide whether or not to stay in the marriage until the kids are grown

Read the intro to this series here.

This is part of my over-the-shoulder read-along series of drafts from my ‘Real Talk Parenting’ series. Please comment here or message me directly if you have anything you would add.

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