It is possible for ordinary people to be extraordinary…

I had a colleague who was smart, had required skills and a pleasant personality but she seemed to be struggling always. She had big dreams but was always at loss as to how she should move towards them. I was fond of her as I could relate to as to what she was going through to my earlier life (it’s not that I have got all the answers but I am trying). I tried giving her a helping hand many times, we also had extensive talks about so many things. But somehow she was not ready to move from where she stood. This was so intriguing for me as I have always imagined that if I could have got the right support at right time, I could have avoided on some many mistakes I did. I wanted to be that someone for her. After putting in lot of effort, I gave it up. But I always wondered why people are like that? Why capable people are not able to achieve that kind of success? I also looked at my life and mistakes I made. I realized that some people have relationship problems, some have money problems, others have anxiety issues, etc. But the biggest problems I’ve seen in many of these people were not specific to relationships, money, confidence or whatever. It’s easy to figure out how to ask someone out, or how to start a business, or how to just do something even when you’re afraid. Dealing with your fear of abandonment, or your toxic money habits, or you’re screwed up beliefs about what others think about you?

Chances are that a profound struggle in one area of your life will bleed over into other aspects of your life. The behaviors and thoughts that sabotage you in one area of your life will stalk you in other areas. When confronted with life’s biggest opportunities, most of us get really scared. And then we enact a number of strategies to avoid the pain and pressure inherent in reaching for our dreams. Below are the most common strategies for reluctance I can think of.

You are not good at dealing with people. The most demanding thing humans are asked to do is interact with another person. This can be so challenging at so many levels depending upon the situation. It needs lot of introspection, and appreciation about need to change some ways as to how we interact. If we think that we are perfect than it is difficult for anyone to help or have a good dialogue.

You’re not persistent enough. Most of us give up on something we’re passionate about too soon. And anyone who’s been successful has a tale of struggle and perseverance to share. As the cliché goes, nothing worth having comes easy.

You fail because you lack humility. There are many people out there who accomplish a little bit and decide that they are an expert. Humility is knowing what you don’t know. The people who had a big mouth, who regularly went on and on about what they accomplished, exaggerated their successes and sapped the attention from the others around them — they were moderately successful at best. Sometimes they were not successful at all. Yet they were more than willing to dole out their sage wisdom to anyone and everyone who would listen. But the people who were legitimate, the ones who actually did scale to the peaks of their career, they often admitted they did not know an answer, they downplayed their successes. Instead, they regularly pointed out their weaknesses and how they needed to learn more.

You fail because you’d rather argue against advice instead of taking it.  This is what we call as trying to be right instead of good. If you’re more invested in arguing your point of view against people who are trying to help you than you are not improving yourself, then you’ve effectively given up. Not to say that everyone should always take advice from everybody, but you should accept feedback whether you believe it’s relevant or not, not try to argue your way into looking like you were right all along. The people who suffer from this problem tend to be highly intelligent and extremely insecure. It’s a bad mix, because the more intelligent someone is, the more they’re able to rationalize their own excuses to themselves, and the more their intellect is used as a defense mechanism to protect their fragile ego.

You fail because you don’t take responsibility for what happens in your life. Also known as having-an-excuse-for-everything disorder. To fix the problems in your life you must have power over them. You can’t have power over aspects of your life unless you take responsibility for them. Therefore if you don’t take responsibility for what happens to you, you fail.

You fail because you’re afraid to care. Many people catch the indifference bug. They lack a clear, true passion. They’re reluctant to invest themselves top-to-bottom into a venture, project or pursuit. Many of them give up quickly. Others just lose interest. Many lack the wherewithal to even begin. It undermines the drive and motivation required to overcome it. Unconsciously, many people are terrified to invest themselves into something because investing themselves into it could potentially lead to failure and failure could potentially lead to a lot of thoughts their psyche is not yet prepared to face: questions about self-worth, competence, being worthy of love, etc.

You fail because deep down, you don’t think you deserve what you want. Many of us, at our core, have buried beliefs and feelings about ourselves that aren’t so savory. Maybe we were teased a lot growing up, or our parents and teachers told us we wouldn’t amount to anything, or we were punished for being smart by our peers. Whatever happened, something happened. And something inside us makes us feel uncomfortable with the idea of accomplishing too many great things as a result.

And as much as you deny it, that fear will always linger and remain as an invisible barrier, a clear film separating you from happiness, pushed through and never broken. These issues can be overcome. But it’s painful and gut-wrenching. And then there’s always just another layer, simmering further below, more fear, ever-present, something we all eventually face over and over and over again.