It is Possible to be Gentle & Strong

“I learned that it is the weak who are cruel, and that gentleness is to be expected only from the strong.”

― Leo Rosten

For all of us we are focused on getting as much done as possible in as orderly and efficient manner possible. From my point of view the best way to get things accomplished and maintain strong personal relationships is to be gentle. That doesn’t mean we are pushovers or we allow others to bully us.

When you’re gentle, authentically gentle, you’re not looking to gain power over someone or something, you’re just you, being you, at your best, at your happiest, your most helpful, your most supportive, your most giving, your most inspired. 

I meet so many people who seem to find shame in their gentleness. Shame in their sweetness. And unfortunately, many of them have developed their gentleness because they were treated harshly or felt like an outcast at some point in their life. And because their gentleness arose from something bad, it gets casted with the shadow of shame. They forget that gentleness was their choice. 

It’s so easy to be harsh and mean, rash and cold, belittling and demeaning, dark and manipulative; in fact, there’s a laziness to it. It’s a lot harder to be kind; it takes more effort, more restraint, more consistency, more patience, more thoughtfulness, more determination, more soul.

There’s no shame in gentleness. Gentleness is beautiful, no matter how it arose, as long as it’s accompanied by self-respect. If you were treated wrongly by someone, that’s where the shame lies. The harshness was the disease, your gentleness is the cure, not the other way around. And it must include being gentle with yourself.  

Being gentle doesn’t mean being a pushover, or a pansy, or a doormat. It doesn’t mean letting someone hurt you, manipulate you, control you, or push you around. 

It means putting your best side forward, treating others with kindness, and using your unique strengths to help others. It means accessing all of your potential, all of your grace, all of your ability. It means tapping into your patience, your ability to forgive, your limitless supply of love. It means working hard to rule over your ego, instead of letting your ego rule over you. 

Being gentle is a muscle that you have to strengthen, nurture and respect. It takes work, patience and discipline. But tone that muscle and you’ll learn to appreciate the depth of the strength it can provide.

Being gentle because you choose to be, because you’re in an environment that lets you thrive, because you trust and believe in yourself, that’s when gentleness is a true power. 

Gentleness is a choice. A brave one. And in choosing gentleness, and respecting it, you are boldly accessing your most authentic strengths.

Have you often thought of your own gentleness as a strength or a weakness?

Why is gentleness important?  

Did Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. or Mohandas Gandhi appear as gentle people, or did they appear Hollywood strong? Gentleness, paradoxically, is necessary in a leader, whether it’s of a nationwide movement, or a family. While the hard, rough, Hollywood style of strength will attract a few hardcore followers, they tend to be less than desirable for anything short of a gang or a revolution.

For the rest of the people in the world, gentleness is part of what makes it possible to interact with others in a reasonable manner. Gentleness helps us keep our emotions sufficiently checked to allow us to notice what is going on with the people we are interacting with, and to have both empathy and compassion come to the fore. With those tools, we can work easily towards a mutually agreeable solution to almost any problem.

Where can I apply this in my life?

This also applies to leadership, as leadership is the ultimate in personal interactions. Well, it is if it’s done correctly (in my opinion, at least). Earlier, I talked about two great leaders who were gentle, both in their mannerisms and in their behaviors. They talked about doing gentle things, and were for the most part, very gentle people.

Yes, it is possible lead with bombast and fear, but only while you have some semblance of authority, and the authority supports you (see General Douglas McArthur & General George Patton for details on losing that support and what happens to their ability to be a leader at that point).

Take a moment and think of all the ways you are a leader in your life. I would count those aspects of your life where you are part of a team, whether at home, at work, or in your social life. Do you tend to lead by exercise of raw power, based on your position? Or do you tend to listen and take into account the opinions and desires of others?

Now think about how you tend to interact with others in general. Do you tend to interact from a position of strength, or do you tend to be a bit more gentle? Does your response vary between different groups? I imagine it will, but have you considered why it is so?

Please don’t mistake taking a firm position after making a decision with not being gentle. There are times where a decision must be maintained, but that doesn’t make you any less gentle. Some people just don’t take subtle hints very well, and require a more direct approach.

While there are places for hard strength, gentleness will usually generate far more strength than any other method. I would take some time to examine all the different interactions you have, and how you might add a little more gentleness into the relationships.

“Only the gentle are ever really strong.” – James Dean