Is it possible to be both candid and compassionate?

We've all been there before. You're in a meeting with a colleague and they say something that rubs you the wrong way. Or maybe you're on a conference call with someone and they start making demands that you weren't expecting. In both cases, it can be tempting to stay quiet and avoid conflict.

Most of us have been guilty of avoiding clarity in tough business situations because we tell ourselves we're being "kind." ?But what we're doing is quite the opposite. ?Brene Brown says that not speaking up or feeding people half-truths to “make them feel better” is unkind. ?In fact, this sort of behavior can contribute to a toxic work culture.

Not getting clear with a colleague about expectations because it feels too hard, yet holding them accountable or blaming them for not delivering, is in fact, unkind. ?Brene Brown suggests that holding back hard feedback is almost always about making ourselves feel more comfortable, not others. In this blog post, I explore why clarity is the kindest thing we can do for our work relationships.?

Why It's Important to Be Clear in Your Communication:

When we're clear with each other, we set proper expectations and boundaries. We communicate effectively and honestly. And as a result, our relationships are more likely to be healthy, happy, and productive. Contrast that with the alternative: dodged phone calls and texts, avoiding difficult conversations, saying one thing but meaning another. This lack of clarity breeds misunderstanding, resentment, and frustration. It's the antithesis of kindness.

1. It Sets Expectations

When you're clear in your communication, you set expectations for yourself and for those you're communicating with. For example, let's say you've been asked to lead a project at work. If you're not clear about what the project entails or what your role will be, it will be hard for you or your team to meet those expectations. On the other hand, if you take the time to explain exactly what needs to be done and how you will be involved, everyone will know exactly what is expected of them. In this way, clear communication can help prevent misunderstandings and frustration down the road.

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2. It Builds Trust

According to psychologist John Gottman, trust is built on three things: transparency, vulnerability, and authenticity. When we communicate clearly, we are transparent about our thoughts and feelings which makes it easier for others to understand us. Furthermore, by sharing our thoughts and feelings openly, we are being vulnerable which allows others to see us as human beings rather than just another cog in the machine. And finally, by being clear in our communication we are also being authentic, which helps build rapport and strengthens relationships over time.

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3. It Prevents Miscommunication

Miscommunication can cause all sorts of problems in our personal and professional lives. For example, imagine you're supposed to meet a friend for coffee at 10am but they interpret your message to mean 10pm. Or imagine you ask your boss for feedback on a project, but they think you're looking for affirmation instead. In both cases, a little bit of clarity could have prevented a lot of misunderstanding. Therefore, it's important to remember that being clear doesn't just make things easier for yourself—it also makes things easier for those around you as well.

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OK, then why don’t we see more compassionate candor at work? ?It sounds easy in theory: just speak to others in a way that is both forthright and caring. Stop beating around the bush and just speak plainly.?How hard can that be, right?

Turns out, it's harder than it sounds.?

One key reason we avoid clarity is because it requires vulnerability. We must be willing to risk rejection or hurt feelings in order to stakes our claim and express what we need. Avoiding conflict might seem like the kind thing to do in the moment, but it's important to remember that it's not always the most helpful thing in the long run.

In addition, cultural backgrounds and lived experiences can inform social norms and behavioral expectations. ?So, your coworkers may have vastly different definitions of what “compassionate clarity” means to them.?Diverse cultures often have well-established rules and norms governing how information should be exchanged. These rules are often unspoken and may not be immediately apparent to those who are unfamiliar with them. As a result, it's easy to accidentally violate one of these rules and cause offense without intent.?So, what feels like sharing hard feedback “with care” for one person may come across as “too direct” or “too aggressive” or “too sugar-coated” for another.?

Coming from an Israeli background, I for example, tend to over-index on very direct communications.?I don’t like it when people mince their words or beat around the bush.?And I tend to focus much more on content of communications and less on tone. ?I have learned (the hard way) that this can come across as intimidating, aggressive and even rude to others. ?These are tough but important lessons to learn as we navigate the balancing act of radical candor, with care.

What are some best practices for compassionate candor?

- Practice saying what you mean and meaning what you say

- Seek first to understand, then to be understood

- Don't assume; ask questions instead

- When in doubt, err on the side of over-communicating rather than under-communicating

- Be direct. ?Don’t make them guess or infer what you REALLY mean.

- Be mindful of tonality and body language

- Choose your words carefully?

- Avoid using "you" statements

- Listen attentively

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In short, the next time you find yourself avoiding conflict or sugar-coating the truth, remember what Brene Brown says: "Clear is kind." Being clear doesn't have to mean being blunt or rude—it simply means communicating concisely and honestly so that everyone knows where they stand. And when it comes down to it, isn't that what we all deserve?