Positivity #4: Gratitude - a lens for life

So May was my "Positivity Month": I have outlined 7 tactics to maintain a positive mindset, act positively and understand the broader context around positivity. My last positivity post for the month explores gratitude, as a lens through which we can look at life to combine mindset, actions and context.

Some people I know and others whom I have read about who have had the least material wealth and / or even experienced significant trauma quite often seem to be the ones who are grateful for the most things in life; some things others of us take for granted. Nelson Mandela I guess would be one of the most well known of many such examples. They can be an inspiration to us all and not just because of what they have overcome but how they have been strong enough to look at life from a different perspective, using a lens of gratitude.

My recent experience is less complex. In a speech to my rugby club a couple of years ago my main message was to “never take it for granted”. Despite having made the most of every practice and every match for the past 30 years (Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday), I realized upon reflection having been 'retired' for two years, how much I missed not just the physical & mental release of competing, but the human connection and camaraderie. Moreover, the one thing I had taken for granted was my teammates. One week they were there, the next they weren’t (or at least, I wasn't). My teammates had been part of my way of life, part of the routine, part of the club. However, I hadn't truly appreciated them as individuals outside of that context: I didn’t know that much about them; I rarely hung out with them outside of practices and matches; I didn’t even have many of their numbers saved on my phone. Yet, they had been an integral part of my life.

“Grateful for everything, entitled to nothing” ...

...is a philosophy my former National Team Manager, Coach and current Cal Berkley Rugby Coaches Jack Clark and Tom Billups live by. They expect their players to live by it and without question, it is a great philosophy or mindset for life.

For one, it is well documented that practicing gratitude on a regular basis (being grateful) increases optimism, reduces stress, improves overall health and wellbeing. Gratitude also reinforces and helps us develop meaningful positive relationships. Positive relationships were found by the 2013 Harvard Grant & Gluek study (tracking 268 Harvard Graduates and 456 poor men growing up in Boston over 75 years) to be the single most important factor to leading a happy life:

“The good life is built with good relationships”

said professor Robert Waldinger. These good relationships, I realized I hadn’t developed beyond the rugby field (or club). Further, I hadn’t necessarily appreciated and nurtured other aspects of my life that would become more integral to me experiencing a fulfilling life beyond (playing) rugby.

“…adults who feel grateful have more energy, more optimism, more social connections and more happiness than those who do not, according to studies conducted over the past decade. They’re also less likely to be depressed, envious, greedy or alcoholics.” – Melinda Beck (WSJ)

So, practicing gratitude seems to be the gateway to a positive life. It helps work against our natural negativity bias and our constant striving for bigger and better things. Psychologists call this ‘Hedonic Adaptation’ or the ‘Hedonic Treadmill’ symbolizing how we keep on walking or speeding up yet staying in the same place.  Gratitude is a great way to break our natural cycle and appreciate the good things in life and the world around us, to thank the people who support and care about us.

The social component of gratitude reminds me of the African concept of Ubuntu which refers to the importance of human connection, kindness and community:  “I am; because you are.” In addition to supporting others and strengthening our relationships, it is the very essence of humanity and thus a core component in us living happy, healthy, successful lives. Coming from one of the most challenged continents on earth, when you look as a system of human connections, it is easier to see how regardless of what you have in life, you can be gracious for many gifts, none more important than the relationships you develop.

In their book "Leadership & Self Deception" the Arbinger Institute explain how living “outside of the box” –is about putting others first, treating people as people, with their own hopes and dreams and not as objects who can get in our way (being “inside the box”). Living outside of the box is critical to creating open, trusting and supportive relationships (personally or professionally). It is the opposite of entitlement, and avoids self-deception, whereby we justify our thoughts, words and actions based upon our own self-interest.

Having an intentional focus on looking for and appreciating the good in things, helps establish a positive feedback mechanism in our brains. It is also passes on to others through our words and our actions. So, showing gratitude is as much about passing it on, as it is passing it back to the source.

You'll find any number of ways to practice gratitude so that it can become a lens for your life and to develop gratitude as a character trait. Like any habit, trait or virtue, it takes time to master and I still have a long way to go!! Here are five very simple things I do and aspire to do consistently:

1. Gratitude journal: daily in the morning and evenings, I write down up to three things I am grateful for. It’s a great way to start and finish the day on a positive and helps calm my mind and sleep better, rather than stressing about the day ahead.
2. Gratitude walk (insert jog / run for some also, perhaps): sometimes literally just going for a walk or a jog and intentionally taking in the world around me. It’s been easy this week being on vacation back in England, running around Rutland Water or taking in the architecture in London and (finally) the sunny weather!   
3. Gratitude talk: Saying thank-you- providing specific and genuine thanks and appreciation to people who have done something that you value or may have observed as being of value to others. If you don’t have an opportunity to say it in person, or say it live, write a letter or worst case, send an email.
4. Gratitude meditation: I'm by no means well practiced at meditation - it's only something I do for 10 minutes every few days. However, gently incorporating gratitude for how your senses process the environment around you, for your relationships, yourself and life itself is a very positive and relaxing thing to do and helps as a mental detox to other stresses in life.
5. Gratitude stone: I haven’t done this one yet but I like it. Find a small stone you like and keep it in your pocket as a reminder to be grateful. Every time you put it in or take it out of your pocket, think about and say / note down the things you have been grateful for. I guess you could do the same with a piece of jewelry if you wanted something more visual and to save pocket space!

To learn more about how gratitude is a core part of Sports-Based Youth Development, please visit Vita Sports Partners and Play Rugby USA and if you're at all inspired by what you see, please do reach out and let me know.

Follow: @MarkGriffRugby @VitaSportUSA @PlayRugbyUSA

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