#PositiveVibes - Mindsetting

By John R. Nocero & Nicole M. Palmer

The VIBE: If you change the way you think, you change your life.

 John: At 43, I still hear some of the things that my mother used to say to me: “You’re so stupid John, you will never amount to anything” or “You may be able to love someone at some point John, but I doubt it. You know why? Because no one will ever be able to love you. You are not worthy of love.” I sabotaged so many things in my life because those phrases stuck like glue in my head. I was good at the things I did, and still found a way to sabotage them. What was wrong with me? I will tell you what is wrong. We hear the things that our loved ones say to us and believe them, and then things happen based on our need of acceptance or fear of rejection. We seek validation, worth and acceptance in that person leading to toxic relationships within ourselves and with others. We create a persona to "handle" the world. We hide the things we feel others will attack, reject, abuse, etc. So, we don't truly live, we exist. And then that carries into your career – you not only wreck your personal relationships but your professional ones too.

 So today I want you to take a moment to do a self-inventory. Look for the signs, do the work around them and create a persona that knows the only acceptance you need is that of yourself. If you aren't accomplishing a goal, I assure you that you are listening to a voice from the past whether it be yours or someone else's. That voice can't be silenced. It's part of you. You have to create a stronger, louder, more loving voice. You must do the mindset work.

 And when you do, you will know  your job, develop your knowledge and skills, stay focused on doing the things that deliver or enhance the value you are contributing to your company, team, processes, or projects, identify the leaders and people who get meaningful things accomplished and build good working relationships with them, and always be willing to help advance the interests of your customers, coworkers, peers, and managers. Don't seek the limelight, let it come to you when it comes, then move on and don't hog it. Always recognize and promote the accomplishments and efforts of others.

 Nicole, as we have said, neither one of use will likely retire a CEO or CIO, at least I don’t think so, but we will have nice careers and leave with no regrets, knowing we helped a whole lot of people along the way to the best of our ability. We will also have successful personal lives too, don’t you think?

 Nicole: It brings tears to my eyes reading this. It’s incredible how one person can shape how we view ourselves. How we allow this one person to make or break us. Words hurt. Before you say something negative about someone, think twice about it and how it is going to affect them. John- I can relate. I can remember my Dad, calling me a, “B****” for the first time. It stung. And it stung hard. Why did I allow him to hurt me with his words? What is he for calling me a b****? What does that make him? I can also remember him saying, that I would never get married and that no one would ever be able to put up with me. I believed this for many years. Maybe this is why I never wanted to get married and why I was always career focused. I am forever grateful of my husband and his loving family for teaching me that you can have both. I am grateful to be able to prove my father wrong and have him be proud of me.

 I think what stings the hardest is that I grew up in a working-class family where my parents, parents got them their first job in a mill, and they kept those jobs for 35+ years, and when I graduated from high school, they were so proud of me and that was “enough” for them. Please allow me to explain. I watched them bust their *** off for their family and provide everything for us. We always had a roof over our head, meals on the table or fend for yourself kind of nights, but we never went without. We always had clothes to wear and warm food to feed our bellies. They were not always there to see our orchestra/band concerts or sporting events because they were working hard to make a living to provide for their family. A great role model to say the least. When I graduated high school, they wanted to get me my first job at the mill that their parents got them a job at, and I was less than thankful. Over the years, I watched them work long hours, be on call, work weekends/holidays and miss important events (that were important to me).

They taught me what I didn’t want to do as a career. I am forever grateful that they taught me to work hard and provide for my family. That will never change. However, their decision to not support me to go to college, put a damper on our relationship. It made me an outcast. I was the first person in my family to go to college. I was the line in the sand. I couldn’t fathom how a parent wouldn’t’ want a better life for their child? They taught me what they knew. And that is what their parents taught them. It took them a long time to accept, as Jennifer Lopez, puts it, “I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block, Used to have a little, now I have a lot, No matter where I go, I know where I came from.”

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