#PositiveVibes - A Losing Proposition

By John R. Nocero & Sandy Abell

John – There is an old phrase I heard and I don’t remember where, but it is somewhat true. Going back to old jobs, old girlfriends or old friends is a losing proposition.

It focuses on not going backwards, but always moving forward. I see what it means now. Maybe I didn’t before. Yesterday, I had a chance to catch up with someone who I hadn’t talked to in a LONG time – probably almost a year. We had a messy split. I knew we were going to talk at some point but I didn’t know when.

Looking back at our recent conversation, there is not much I could recall, except the past. This person was a very significant part of my life at some point, but I don’t think they are now, and that is okay. Because I remember the lesson they taught me, from the significant part where I needed to learn it. I will always take it with me wherever I go.

It is hard to let people go. I got it. But if you don’t, you can’t make room for the new, who are meant to continue to carry on with you. If you don’t have that space, you can never continue to grow.

It sounds a lot like the quote about relationships from the movie Hope Floats – “beginnings are scary, endings are sad, but I will always remember you as the part in the middle.” And it saves you from constantly revisiting the melodrama. Things can be funny that way. 

Sandy, I know your thoughts on friendship and that it is okay to let people go. Have you ever had an instance where someone snapped back into your life like a rubber band? Did you talk to them or did you wave hello and goodbye in the same wave?

Sandy – Hey John. I think friendships are so hard because when they are real, you put a lot of yourself into them.

Depending on how deep the friendship is, you expose who you really are, complete with flaws and fears, and in the process make yourself really vulnerable. You trust that the other person will respect and take care of what you are revealing, and you allow your inner child to be seen. So, when things go wrong, it’s not only the adult you are now that is wounded, but your Inner Child is devastated and feels devalued and unimportant.

That brings up all the old childhood insecurities about not being good enough, likeable enough, valuable enough, etc. When this happens, your Inner Child becomes really big and loud, and overshadows the calm, rational adult you are now. This makes it difficult for the adult you are now to remain calm and get back in control.

Working with your Inner Child is so important, and is something many people are not familiar with so don’t understand. I think it might be a good idea at some point for us to look at the whole Inner Child concept, but I apologize, I’ve diverted from the friendship conversation.

The breaking up of a strong friendship can be a really painful thing to go through. You were very wise to see the lesson, and keep that as you’ve moved ahead. That lesson will probably be helpful in many other relationships, so you can always thank that person for the experience. However, you’ve moved past them so you no longer need them or what they bring into your life.

You asked how I’ve handled these situations. With some people I understand why the friendship ended, so if I see them out and about, I wave and move on. With others, when I’m confused about what happened, I give it some time so my emotions are done. Then, if I care enough, I might want to have a brief conversation about what changed and why.

As I’ve said before, I believe people are in my life for a purpose. It might be long-term, short-term, or somewhere in between. It’s my job to see what that purpose is and how it will benefit me, so I can take the lessons into my new relationships.

I believe that with each new relationship and the experiences that come with it, we grow and become stronger, more resilient, and more powerful.

I agree that looking back is a losing proposition. In order to create the life you want, you need to look and move forward.

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