#PositiveVibes - Fascination

By John R. Nocero & Sandy Abell

 The VIBE: It is fascinating to think about how belief systems form

John: It is fascinating to think about how one forms their belief systems. For example, the more I told myself that people were bad news, the more I avoided getting close to anymore. As I grew into an adult, my theory was proven more and more and I found myself alone. I was okay, but I was lonely. In any case, it was a form of self-sabotage, I held myself back from making some great friendships and sharing my life with people. Now, I prioritize them, not through text but through the phone. If I set time to call you, or scrawl out a long-e-mail to you, we are close, at least in my mind. Perhaps you have a different belief – that no one gets you, that people will always disappoint you at some point, that you can’t relate to anyone or you can’t trust them. We form many of these beliefs out of direct experience from our past. When something painful happens, we draw a conclusion about why it’s happened in an attempt to avoid that same situation in the future. That conclusion feels like a fact, and it then forms a belief that we carry through life. This affects how we think, act, and feel—about ourselves and others.

 Sandy, in order to break free from these limitations we need to act against our self-protecting instincts. How do you do it?

 Sandy: Yet another great topic John. First of all, I think that a belief is just a thought we think over and over again. When we think the same thing long enough it becomes a belief, and often has nothing to do with reality. However, it becomes our reality as we move ahead.

 Many of our values and beliefs are formed when we’re very young, by listening to and watching the people around us. When we are small we rely on the people around us for love and survival, so if they consistently tell us something is true, we believe them.

 As we get older, part of becoming an adult is the process of separation and individuation, which just means we separate from most of what we were taught as a child, and then reincorporate the parts that we want to keep as an adult (this usually happens in adolescence, but sometimes much later and sometimes never). We also let go of some things that don’t apply to us, and create new values and beliefs for the adult we’ve become.

 We all learn from experiences, and if someone shows they are untrustworthy, we learn to not count on them. Sometimes we expand that to decide, if this one person isn’t trustworthy, then I need to protect myself from everyone. We then shut out people because they might hurt us (as you did for awhile).

 If that works, then you will continue that behavior (and be lonely but emotionally risk free). However, if the chosen behavior doesn’t meet all your needs, then you find a new way to balance the fear of being hurt with the discomfort of being isolated.

 What I have done is learn to set boundaries and move ahead slowly. Testing the waters as I go. I treat myself with respect and expect others in my life to do the same. I build relationships slowly. If someone is reliable, responsible, honest, trustworthy and respectful, I’m willing to reveal more of myself and move ahead with a deeper connection. If at any point one of my boundaries is broken, I will talk with the person about it. How they respond will determine how we move ahead.

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