Positive Post #27: Forgiving Myself

For years (all of them?) I've been struggling with forgiving myself when I make mistakes or fall short. I am and have always been very, very hard on myself. This has resulted in high performance in some areas of my life, but it has cost me in a lot of ways, too.

For example, if I have 50 customers at work and I make a mistake with one of them, I will not follow up with the 49 others who might owe me money for good work performed, and I'll also stop trying to gain new customers. I feel unworthy to be paid by existing customers and unworthy to be chosen by new customers because of one mistake.

Or if I forget to call a friend or return a text, I'll withdraw from everyone, because I'm a terrible person and no one likes me anyway.

I know this is ridiculous because people make mistakes all of the time with me and I forgive them and forget about them. And it upsets me if I think they are beating themselves up over something small.

Nevertheless, this mindset has persisted and persisted.

Recently I've made some progress in this area of forgiving myself, and I'm trying to work out why, so I can self-correct more quickly if I backslide. Correction: WHEN I backslide.

I've noticed a few factors that are playing a role, and I'll share them in hopes that it might help the other perfectionists and self-berating individuals out there:

1) I can see other people's humanity more easily right now. We all compare ourselves to others, and it's easy to fall short when I think that 99% of kitchens are spotless and 99% of business owners are perfectly coiffed and 99% of children are dressed nicely and getting straight As. But thanks to Zoom, I can see that's just not true. Even a very nice virtual background on Zoom cannot obscure a snotty-nosed toddler who bursts into the room during a meeting demanding the RED sippy cup.

And some people are even having the courage to volunteer this information. In place of Facebook posts about children winning the science fair, people are posting that they are at the end of their ropes ... that they just can't face an entire summer with their kids home all day while trying to work at home and manage the household and feed everyone.

2) The second thing driving me to figure out how to forgive myself more frequently and more quickly is pretty simple. I need to thrive right now. I need my business to do well. I need to pay off debt and put away some savings, and the primary thing that keeps me from doing better in business is this destructive self-condemnation.

We all have these ridiculous things we do inside our own heads, and if we're lucky we can see them and see they are ridiculous. But this still isn't enough to change them.

Fear, however, is a very good motivator. The economy is crazy unpredictable. I am the captain of my own little ship. I have got to perform RIGHT NOW and take advantage of the opportunities that pop up. And if I do my own little SWOT analysis of myself (Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats) the biggest thing that is in the way of my success is not the economy.

It's not my gender.

It's not my net worth.

It's not my credit score.

It's not where I live.

It's not my education.

It's CRAP INSIDE MY OWN HEAD.

Being such a jerk to myself (my number one employee!) is the biggest thing in the "weaknesses" category and the "threats" category. So I'm coming at it with renewed vigor.

3) This last one took me longer to see.

I've needed to be more patient with other people a lot during the past six weeks. I've helped a lot of older people get on Zoom meetings. I've helped sole proprietors look up basic information they needed to apply for government grants. I've had to slow down and simplify my language working with New American businesses in Northland.

And whenever my impatience and anger has flared up at those moments, I've recognized it as the same poison I use against myself.

Practicing forgiveness with others has been a big help in practicing it with myself. It's hard. It means giving up gossip and complaining about other people.

But it's exactly the same phenomenon I've heard from the instructors at my leadership program. They call it: Front of the Hand/Back of the Hand.

If you hold your hand out in front of you, you are seeing one side or the other: The palm, calloused and lined and smooth, or the back of the hand, with softer skin bolstered by knuckles and fingernails. The person in front of you sees the opposite side. The two sides have different outward characteristics, but they are the same hand. If I learn a skill in the volunteer world, that skill translates in some way to my business. Front of the hand, back of the hand.

If I learn to have patience with people who can't click the right button THAT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM, I learn to stop kicking myself when I SENT SOMETHING WITH A TYPO AGAIN!

Front of the hand, back of the hand.

So, I'm telling all of you so that you can keep me on track, too.

I have forgiveness and unconditional love ... yes, even for myself. Especially for myself.

Previous Positive Posts: https://www.dhirubhai.net/in/alicefoeller/detail/recent-activity/posts/