Positive Mondays 50: Bringing back civility at work, in relationships and in our communities

It would be intuitive to deduce that the first victim of a crisis would be civility. Chennai proves us wrong. 

Civility costs nothing, and buys everything. —Mary Wortley Montagu

So as I write my 50th column, I want to begin by talking about a strange habit. Whenever I go through a door or a lift, I hold it open for everyone to pass through. I don’t how I acquired this habit. It’s just been there, amongst a vast array of eccentricities. What makes it quirky is this----—since I love observing human behaviour— I always wait to see who thanks me. Here are some of the completely unscientific research findings. Note: The results may NOT surprise you. Senior citizens always thank me, with eye contact and gratitude, as they amble by.  As they scramble and rush by, enthusiastic young children and teenagers usually thank me, girls more often than boys. Both boys and girls, I reckon, seem to enjoy the situation where they are treated as adults. Strangely there is an exception to the rule. When an adult accompanies kids, there is complete indifference and even grumpiness. I am never thanked. Always found that strange. Could never figure out why the presence of an adult changes the habit of thanking someone?

Office-goers in office complexes are almost always too busy to notice, but when it does happen, the phrase almost always is, “Oh! Thank you”, with emphasis on each of the three words in the phrase. There is always an element of surprise and a healthy dose of gratitude. Again there is an exception. If the adults are foreigners, almost always, I get a big smile, proper eye contact, and a firm thank you.

People from lower economic and social strata demonstrate embarrassment, gratitude, and amusement all at the same time.

Like I said, this is a completely trivial piece of research, but, perhaps not completely insignificant in its impact.  I would leave it to you to derive any value, but to say that this human trait falls under the category of civility.

What is civility?

Civility is not just about polite manners. Christine Porath defines it as being respectful, considerate, compassionate and caring treatment; pleasant and positive connectedness; and feeling valued, recognised and appreciated.

So does civility really matter?

Civility as a topic for Positive Mondays has been on my agenda for many months, and the recent events in Chennai got me thinking about the power of civility. I will get to Chennai, a bit later.

In the last fifty columns, I have traversed many fields, met a few hundred clients, and had many hundred lunches and coffees with folks who were just curious about positivity.

The one rather universal scenario that I would encounter was, “All this is fine, but my manager is a jerk. I want to quit, but I can’t, what do I do?”

Civility is far away from everyone’s set of issues to be addressed.

Christine Porath has done some groundbreaking research on the impact of incivility. Think about a time, when some hotel staff was rude to you? I remember, waiting for my breakfast in a five-star hotel, and the waiter seemed to ignore my request for a table of foreigners. I felt offended and that stayed with me for many hours. My brain was hijacked.

Porath found a similar trend in her experiments; where the experimenter was deliberately rude and uncivil to the participant and then the participant was asked to do a brainstorming task. They found that even when they were subjected to low intensity incidents, participants could not continue to concentrate on their task.

Even when the participants were not directly subjected to uncivil behaviour; but they were simply asked to imagine an uncivil incident, they found that the short term memory was depleted by nearly 20%. Participants who were rebuked for a small transgression like coming late; performed worse by 33% on verbal tasks and 39% on creative tasks. If a stranger was rude to the participant; their performance on verbal tasks declined by 61% and creative tasks declined by 50%.

The upside of civility

We find that in organisations which promote a civil environment, people learn faster to apply their knowledge and skills.

In a study of the top 10% of the civil workplaces, she found that they had 26% more energy, 30% more likely to be motivated to learn new concepts, 36% more satisfied about their jobs, and 44% more committed to their organisation. In return, their managers rated them 10-20% better than others in the organisation.

Civility impacts customer service and customer loyalty

Walk into a bar and observe how the staff interacts with each other. In great hotels, you will find super relationships. Ritz Carlton has a rule that if you are within 10 feet of an associate or a customer, you will make eye contact and wish them, preferably by name. Porath once again found that eight out of ten customers state that their attitude towards companies where they witness civility is much higher.

Customers are 85% are more willing to use the company’s products and services, 55% are more interested in learning about new products and services from the company.

When customers view incivility, it angers them. They make opinions about the entire business based on that single event.

You cannot justify incivility to customers, even if the rebuke was as a result of incompetence. Basically, customers do not like observing others being treated disrespectfully.

When customers witnessed incivility, only 20% agreed to do business with the company. A whopping 92% of these customers spoke poorly about the company based on this incident to others.

Imagine the impact of civility or incivility on customer retention, cross-sell, revenue and profit  numbers.

The reason for growing incivility

In the workspace, managers are being indoctrinated to believe that if they put pressure and stress on their employees, they will deliver better performance. More often than not, pressure takes the form of foul and abusive language; physical manifestation such as emotionally charged voices, physical gestures, hard glares and dirty stares, silent treatment, and, of course, threats to derail promotions, career opportunities and even probation confirmation. Basically, the playground bully has migrated into the workplace, in the guise of a boss.

Civility as a valued social norm is retreating into a corner.

Ragging and bullying in schools are reaching unprecedented levels, perhaps leading to psychological scarring like self-esteem issues, loneliness and depression. I still continue to be surprised when I come across women in positions of seniority facing domestic abuse and gender crime going unresolved and worse, unchecked.

You might say that none of this is a new phenomenon, but I would perhaps offer to you, that some of the new societal trends are contributing to a sharper decline.

Vulgarity is no substitute for wit.— The Dowager Countess, Downton Abbey

The first are the absence of acceptable or confusing social norms. Shows like Downton Abbey gave us a rather close-up view of a world and time, where every word and phrase had its duly appointed place. Now the norms have become rather blurred. While society has become much more egalitarian and democratic, the power of correct, civic and chivalrous behaviour has fallen by the wayside.

I had a constant on-going banter with an assistant, who used to look after my diary and travel. After every eccentric travel request, I would always thank him, and he would always be amused because he felt that he was doing his job and there was no need for me to thank him. I would always reply back saying, you did your duty, not you need to let me do mine which is to thank you for always being there when I messed up my travel plans to rescue me.

The second aspect is that of role models. Parliaments and State Assemblies, and unending election and news cycles are becoming staging grounds for name-calling, loud angry personal attacks and seemingly annoying and baseless accusations have become the new norm. When news anchors and panellists who are role models act provocatively and demonstrate that incivility works, it is not long before viewers start adopting the same language.

Maybe, just maybe, the return of civility into society might just be a boost for democracy and social equity.

The third aspect is social media. I love social media and have been an addict since I think 2004 (Myspace and Orkut). With great power comes great responsibility, but as social scientists are pointing out, with anonymity comes freedom from responsibility.Young women face the risk of lewd comments if they put up a candid picture. Holding a divergent viewpoint attracts personal affront and attacks. It is so easy to pound out expletive-laden and testosterone-driven posts without hearing another opinion which happens to contradict our belief system. Last week, I deactivated my personal Facebook account for a few weeks and hope that the volume will reduce.

Uncivil behaviour has crept into the workplace and the cost is higher stress.

Lastly, there are hundreds of research that show that when ordinary people are put in positions of power there is a distinct shift in their behaviour. The first shift is that people who have acquired a power or higher status than their colleagues start ignoring the needs of other people, start imposing their views, and place their own needs above the needs of the group. It is a truism, that power corrupts. 

The cost of a high level of stress is unseen but tangible. The American Psychological Association estimates that more than $500 billion is lost due to workplace stress, and 550 billion workdays are lost each year due to stress on the job. In India, this number would be much higher. 

Many folks will point out that stress takes place when the resources and capabilities do not match the challenge of the task. I usually point out that teams who work well together and are led by good leaders usually find a solution, and even if they fail, they are capable of bouncing back and learning from their mistakes. Social and civil connections play a role in skillfully and mindfully negotiating resources for their teams.

It is often said that people leave their managers, not the company. I think this would be more accurate for people who want to leave bullying bosses.

So what fosters civility?

Civility in the times of crisis

It would be intuitive to deduce that the first victim of a crisis would be civility. On the contrary, Chennai proves us wrong. The city has been inundated with rains, but the citizenry transcended their selfish intent and responded with great calm, decency, dignity and humaneness. Neighbours are rescuing senior citizens from rising waters. Common folk like you and me are arranging for food packets to be dispatched to people who need them the most. People are opening up their homes to take in people to give then respite from the floodwater.

A housing company decided to not levy any penalty for non-payment of EMIs in Chennai. Insurance companies are setting up urgent help desks to process claims. Pharmaceutical companies are flying in medical supplies. Places of worship are opening up their doors for everyone to serve humanity.

It is the triumph of civility and a lesson that in the worst of times, civility makes the wheels turn faster.

This should give us hope about the future of civility at work, home and our community.

How do children and adults really learn?

This video from 2006 is more relevant today than ever:

The evidence is rather clear. Children learn from adults and they mimic adult behaviour. Children are being exposed to abusive words at an earlier age now. The millennial generation is now acquiring leadership positions at the workplace and beginning to have a say in our communities.

The Big Step Towards Civility

Robert Sutton a professor at Stanford University has written a phenomenal book on this subject, called The No Asshole Rule. He outlines uncivil behaviours ranging from an invasion of personal space to snubbing, shaming and humiliation.

Organisations, which start the journey, announce their intent with an explicit statement in their values, beliefs and actions. They make it very clear that incivility will simply not be tolerated. It is what they call a clear line that you can never cross.

For civility to flourish, that is what is needed, a formidable personal and organisational resolve to walk the path of civility.

Does civility work at work? Do you have the power to make your organisation more civil?

Adam Grant and Francesco Gino have done some fabulous work on the impact of civility. They made up a fictional student, who sent out his covering note to the participants, and requested for comments and feedback. Once the participants sent their reviews and feedback, the student again reached out to the participants, seeking more help. Half the participants received a note from the student which began with the student thanking them for their help and asked for additional help. Half the participants got an email which did not acknowledge their previous help and straight away asked for additional help.

The findings are amazing. In the first case, among the participants who were thanked, 66% agreed to help as compared to 32% in the case of people whose previous effort went unacknowledged.

Now you would think, this was the end. Not really.

Grant and Gino had a different student send out a request to the same participants, who were “thanked” or “unthanked”.  From the group, which was thanked, 55% agreed to help and from the group which was unthanked only 25% agreed to help.

Your civil behaviour of just saying thank you, not only increases the chance of being helped a second time, your actions holds the power to improve or decrease the chance that someone else will receive assistance.

Does having friends at work improve your own civility?

I often pose a question, do you have friends at work? It is likely that people who have good friends at work flourish because they are support systems for each other’s personal goals and more importantly are not afraid to point out errors. In fact, I have found that it is easier to point out errors to people you know well. Friends know where to draw the line. Friends can create an atmosphere of trust and tell you when you when you are becoming a jerk. If suddenly you find that your friends are too busy for you, or not as forthcoming, or avoiding calling you for lunch or outings, it is a good time to introspect and respectfully ask for feedback. They are not the ones conspiring against you, they are trying to tell you something.

The Receptionist Test or Toilet Test of Civic Sense

Often a few of my colleagues who work in this field talk about the fact that when you enter a call centre or a corporate office or a branch office you can instinctively tell from the energy and vibe how well the business unit is performing.

If the wall paint is peeling, the security guard or receptionist is unduly rude or indifferent, there is a sign of what awaits you inside. Once you are ushered in, make it a point to observe small things like notice boards. Old and dirty notices on bulletin boards, gruff messages or posters on walls, rude posters displayed on the unit leaders offices were a clear demonstration of the civic sense prevailing in the unit.

Then there is the Toilet Test. The cleanliness and comfort of the toilet is always the acid test. If the toilet was sparkling clean, it showed that the leadership cared enough to provide a clean and hygienic personal space. It showed an attention to detail.

Finally, let’s talk about civility in marital and domestic relationships

Guy Winch has one of the best tools to test civility in marital relationships.

I list below five tips to improve civility in marital and romantic relationships. I reckon, it can even be used for parents, your children, room-mates, relatives and BFFs, basically any of your loved ones.

1. Leaving home- Do not leave home in a rush, find each other and wish each other a great day. Make it a special moment for the two of you. Make a little morning ritual. This typically would take thirty seconds.

2. Homecoming- Whoever reaches home first should prepare a little homecoming greeting. Imagine, you have had a horrid day at work, and you come back to a warm greeting or even a special “treat”. Does that sound good to you?

3. Use positive language- Make a mutual pact to put away those little disrespectful language barbs that you dislike. Maybe make a trade? You don’t call me “indifferent” and I won’t call you “lazy”.

4. Dirty laundry- Let’s face it. Every single relationship develops dirty laundry. It could be something personal, let’s say a growing paunch or even shopping expeditions. Sure talk about it, but make a mutual pact not to argue or air it in public.

5.  Demonstrate unconditional pride- Think about it. I am sure you can find a minimum of ten attributes that you are proud of. It could be a recent promotion, working out in the gym, baby steps towards losing weight, a surprise gift, a particular family recipe. These are expensive designer garments. Flaunt them with genuine pride. Show that you care.

The basic tenets of a civilised society are that each one of us are equal. If we believe that and expect our leaders to treat as equal, we need to turn the microscope inwards to determine if we are civil to those we lead. It is up to us as leaders, to point ourselves towards a moral compass.

I want to end my fiftieth column with two statements.

First, I have been a jerk of a leader myself sometimes. So if you’re due an unconditional apology, meet me for coffee and help me make it up to you.

Second, thank you, dear readers, for taking the time to read my column.  The simple smiley or thumbs up that you send my way holds a lot of meaning. Your feedback helps me construct my column and get better. I hope you have seen that your feedback has borne fruit. If not, then I assure you, it is a  work in progress. I believe in the power of “not yet”.

The author is the Founder of The Positivity Company. This is part of a series called 'Positive Mondays' which describes how positivity has a multiplicative effect, simultaneously impacting all work and life outcomes.