The porcupine i love hugging

Have you ever died by the hug of the one you love?

Everyone has, in one way or the other. To understand the emotional pain associated with it, let me describe a character. Imagine Quill, an evil character in Marvel’s X-men, who first hugs his prey and then uses spontaneous mutation to convert himself into a prickly porcupine. This transformation kills the one in contact with his body, as Quill’s venomous spikes pierce through the prey. It’s the oldest trick in the book, isn’t it? Morphing yourself into someone that your intended victim finds desirable, only to turn back into your true self once the prey has been lured into close proximity with you, leaving his body punctured and bleeding from your poisonous spikes…  

Recently, watching the reel-life Quill reminded me of my encounter with a real-life Quill who was once a part of my life. I have always had this strong desire to love and be loved in return. This desire made me hungry for the comforting presence of my beloved. There was a time when I longed for her closeness and was lucky(?!) to receive it too. I was so happy to have found that one person who was enough to make me happy. I never knew that the one I sought comfort in was a in face a Quill, just waiting for an opportunity to get close to me. I was lusting for love and over time, she came so close to me that our union can only be described as a spiritual hug. And that is when she turned into a porcupine and pierced her long sharp needle-like thorns into my soul, killing my spirit.

What died, as a result of this betrayal, was my ability to love and trust. I was born with an instinct to love but she led me to become scared of the thought of someone loving me. Imagine desperately wanting something in your life but being paralyzed by fear at the prospect of coming into close contact with it. In my case, not only was my betrayal at the hands of the Quill spiritually scarring, but it also robbed me of my ability to trust, love and believe in the good of humanity. In short, it killed the very essence and reason of my life. I found myself wishing to have been struck dead by an open foe instead of becoming a victim of such a stealthy attack by an apparent friend.

While most of us can recall an unfortunate encounter with a tangible Quill at least once in our lifetime, it is doubly difficult to identify and save yourself from the unseen Quill; the one that exists within us, trapped in the realm of the metaphysical and spiritual world. Do not underestimate the strength of the unseen Quill’s venom, as it has the capability to render as deep a wound to you as the physical Quills around you. Unbeknownst to me, this faceless Quill broke my spirit as effectively and swiftly as the human one. It probably is and will be the biggest barrier for me to lead in this world. This faceless enemy is vanity.

This vanity stemmed from my basic desire to get praise and win the unconditional approval of others. I wanted to come across as a good man but, somehow, becoming one was a hard path to choose and forage ahead on, undaunted by the many temptations that seek to jeopardize your pledge of righteousness. To make this more relatable: if you are fat, your desire to look smart by becoming physically fit is a very difficult thing to do - as it requires long term commitment and giving up many pleasures of life. In such cases, vanity helps find a shortcut for us in the guise of expensive clothes, designer belts and handmade leather shoes. The goal is to ensure that at least one appears to be smart even if the reality is far from it. Similarly, my inner Quill i.e. vanity spurred me on as I decided to choose the easier path on my way to corporate leadership. Ergo, I wanted to appear as a leader and be praised for it without going through the hardship of being worthy of the title and the responsibilities it entailed.

In my social circles, people really admire and respect those who are have business acumen. So naturally, I too wanted to be regarded as a leader in that circle but I had no entrepreneurial achievement under my belt. I had only run my deceased father’s business for more than year or so. At some point, an awards-based ceremony was announced, where people having entrepreneurial success would be recognized and given wards. The very thought of myself on stage holding an award caused a flurry of excitement in my brain and I ended up looking at vanity as the only way out. I over-presented a story of suffering, hard work, excellence, and success. I proved that I achieved victory against all odds. None of it was true - at least not to the proportions vanity made it appear to be. People were quoting me as a successful entrepreneur and that someone to look out for in the coming years. I basked in the attention, unaware that now I was in the arms of the Quill who posed as harmless as my vanity.  Slowly but surely, it was engulfing me a death trap, enveloping me in its poisonous embrace… I had started living the lie and enjoyed the false sense of achievement that came with that lie. If you keep your makeup on for a long time, looking at the mirror without it scares you. So, ultimately, I too stopped looking at the mirror without vanity.

But eventually the spikes ended up reaching the most vital part of my spirit – my dream of leading an entrepreneurial career. My dream died because I was too scared be called an unsuccessful entrepreneur. The mere thought of getting stripped away from the fake glory killed my spirit – the glory that only vanity had given me.  

Vanity is an evil and I realized this much later in life. Facing this inevitable truth has affected me deeply since then. I hate makeup so much I still cannot dress myself to look like someone I am not. For example, when I am made to wear a formal suit, it burdens me. Sometimes, I simply get tired of wearing a tie knot! Vanity took the real gain out of my life by giving me a temporary relief. It killed my dream and my chance to lead.

Perhaps the greatest irony is that I still unconsciously choose vanity over hard work because it is easily available at a much less price.

With special thanks to Faiqa Nasir who helped in giving clarity to my thoughts by editing this piece.