To Ponder, A Life Lesson

It is said, that to think long is to think wrong, and that analogy might work well in the game of golf, but not necessarily in the game of life.

In my younger days, I had a quick trigger as they would say, which was to say I acted first and thought second. There were many times, after the fact, I wish I had taken just a moment to think or ponder before reacting to a statement, a situation, a crisis...but emotionally I was not able to hold back. Thankfully my words and or actions taken never hurt anyone or myself, or so I thought.

I Thought It was how I was supposed To Act

I was just wrapped too tight and came unwound at the worst moments - the moments when I needed to step back, but stepped in it so to speak. Coming from a family where emotions were on display daily, and where you had to defend yourself quite literally, there was never time to think...it was time to act.

Imagine if you will, as a teenager no less, in a family setting and you were doing all you could to just calm the situation which was emotionally charged, but it was not possible because others were so amped up generally about nothing...but then again everything was something as I remember it.

Looking back on it this is the beginning of my struggle to just listen and to think, to take in, process and ponder. Because there was just no time to do so...and no one would listen otherwise.

Having Enough of It

I had become an emotional wreck by the time I was 18, and no sooner than I graduated high school I made my exit and was determined no matter what, I would make it on my own. This was the beginning of my emotional growth...but it was not overnight, or over even two decades. It took time, it took my wife, it took mentor after mentor, it even took a career change for me to work on and gain the emotional intelligence I should have had years before.

The root of it All

I recall being viewed as aloof, an introvert and maybe even anti social as a teenager. Things today which would send off alarm bells with others. Although back then I believed I was balanced, but looking back on it I was far from it, and I had no one to confide in, no one that I trusted...truly trusted. I was just burying what I was enduring at the time. I would go into my own world removed from reality when I could, to build up the emotional stamina I needed to come out and act like everything was fine. I referred to it as putting on my armor.

Coming back to Ponder

Once I was removed from those troubling days, I was finally able to look inwardly from where I had been and where I wanted to go with my life. I thought a lot, I pondered about goals I wanted to achieve which seemed enormous to me at the time. Somehow, through good fortune, intestinal fortitude, hard work...or just being in the right place at the right time or maybe all of the above. Things began moving in the right direction, none of it was easy, or given to me after all I was on my own. But I still had the emotional short string to deal with.

Being on the Edge

Through my 30s and 40s I was known to be an extremely passionate person about what I believed was the right thing to do, to stand up for those who needed support and to just debate (or fight) until I won over others to influence what I believed should be done. That was all I knew as how to settle a disagreement. As time went on the quick trigger I had used was beginning to become a burden, as others would just avoid me instead of having to deal with the inevitable blow up. I was too close to the edge and losing consensus because I just had to win, my way.

Realizing I Had to Change

What puzzled me through all of those days was that in a business setting I was all those things I have already mentioned. But at home, I was the anti of that other person. Truthfully, my wife would not have allowed it...and I knew it. So what I became self aware of is that I had enablers who allowed me to continue all those years to act as I did and never called me out over it or worse, even encouraged me. It truly upset me as I recall at the time, I realized I was cultivating the very culture that I ran away from all those years earlier. It was in fact a turning point and I gave all of this great consideration and came to the conclusion after much pondering that it was no longer sustainable to stay where I was...it was in fact unhealthy for me and others.

Growing, Learning, Listening

Change is hard, accepting new ideas and ways after so many years of one way is doubly hard. The pace I was going before did not afford me to allow myself to stop and realize I was hurting myself. One of the hardest things I have done in my life was learning how to listen, to truly listen...to listen to ideas that differ to mine. The second hardest was being vulnerable, to peel back the onion as they say to expose what is inside. What I have discovered is that by not saying anything if only for a moment allows others to be more appreciative when I do speak up and out. I can be more transparent, open and helpful to others and not care so much about being right, but just being present.

How others view me today, who only knew me before...did not get to see the best of me. I have pondered that for a long time, and while I can't go back to make it right now. I can make sure that going forward I am purposeful in everything I do and with whom. If I can do that, I will have made that mark that someone long ago told me I needed to make, but not for me, for others.

The next time you are feeling strongly to act on something before considering, do yourself a favor...just ponder it for a moment. You're entire perspective may change and the outcome will be better than you could have ever imagined.