The (Politically Incorrect) Survival Guide to the Corporate World

I was recently inspired by an article featured in Medium that gave a frank, honest and at times humorous account of what life is like in a big corporation.

?What I love about Medium articles is that most of them are unfiltered. They are written by people like you and I…people with life experience, acquired knowledge and an opinion.

Most articles are not polished by an in-house editor or company executive concerned about brand alignment. The articles are REAL, written by real people.

?I’m about to get real with you here.

?Part 1 - Forward

If I were to give a new employee a “survival guide” booklet on their corporate induction day to temper their expectations and to help them navigate the simple yet complex world of a large corporation, this is what it would say.

Authors note - this is a tongue-in-cheek “glass half empty” view of the corporate world. Take it for what it is worth.

Chapter 1 - Welcome to the jungle

The corporate jungle has a law of it's own and that law will vary dependant on what stage of your career you are at. The following is not unique to large corporations, but it is amplified in large corporations;

• First year; everyone is polite but no-one takes you seriously
• First 5 years; you have either earned respect or lost it
• 5 - 10 years; you are a high potential employee
• 10 - 20 years; wherever you are now in the hierarchy you have reached your ceiling
• 20+ years; if you are not in the C-suite by now, would it matter if we let you go?
• 30+ years; how can we encourage you to "explore other options" without it costing us a fortune?

Chapter 2 - Early Days

Survival tips for the first time jungle explorer

1. Most people will be happy to train and teach you and most of those people will be too time poor to train and teach you
2. New managers will change things irrespective of whether things need to be changed
3. Risk takers and mavericks are frowned upon
4. Don't stand out, fit in
5. The status quo is never good enough, even if it is
6. The saying "perception is reality" is reality
7. People like people like themselves
8. Be likeable. Likeable people get more opportunities to progress regardless of relative ability
9. Your company will either give you no training, or give you so many opportunities to train it will overwhelm you.
10. Innovation programs will come and go and generally do not last unless innovation is in your company’s DNA
11. The majority of meetings you will attend will serve you no purpose but they will serve the purpose of the meeting organiser
12. The most junior person on the floor is expected to fix photocopier paper jams and replace the toner cartridge, so become proficient at this now
13. The bigger the meeting the more ineffective they are
14. Meetings are not for making decisions but for ratifying decisions that were made before the meeting
15. Everyone seems to think they can do someone else’s job better than that person can
16. Be wary of HR. Remember that they work for the company, not for you
17. Learn to communicate via the chain of command. Bypassing your supervisor / manager will only ruffle feathers (irrespective of what Elon Musk says about this practice)
18. The lower down the company hierarchy you are, the more people you will need to convince to get a big idea supported
19. If you are passionate about a big idea, be prepared to be disappointed
20. Big ideas that proceed will take 2-3x longer and cost 2-3x more than they should
21. You are completely dispensable and will not be missed when you leave

?Greatest asset - inexperience (a fresh perspective)

Greatest threat - disillusionment

Chapter 2 - Mid-Career

Survival tips for the experienced jungle-goer

1. Inequity reigns supreme so don’t get hung up on what everyone else is getting
2. Big recommendations take a painfully long time to be approved and an even longer time to be implemented
3. The easiest decision for decision makers is to not make a decision
4. You will spend a disproportionate amount of your time preparing PowerPoints
5. The majority of meeting actions are carried over rather than completed
6. Political correctness has become a vital management skill
7. Budgets go to the best salesperson and/or the most connected person
8. Obtaining additional staff numbers is easy for front office and growth areas and impossible for back office and support areas
9. If you are responsible for a photocopier paper jam or toner cartridge alarm, quickly and discretely leave the area
10. If you want to feel important ensure you have “strategy” weaved throughout your job description and title
11. Working from home provides benefits to the conscientious and it equally provides benefits to the bludgers
12. Shared calendars are an enabler to more meetings
13. Your lunch hour will now consist of 12pm and/or 1pm scheduled meetings
14. Everyone thinks they are busy so you are not special
15. The two most important skills in today’s workforce; understanding data and crafting the story you want the data to tell
16. Annual KPIs can drive perverse behaviours and sub-optimal outcomes
17. A disproportionate amount of your time will be spent obtaining internal stakeholder buy-in rather than enhancing the quality of your work
18. You are completely dispensable and will not be missed when you leave

?Greatest asset - experience

Greatest threat - prioritisation

Chapter 3 - Late Career

Survival tips for the jungle hardened warriors out there

1. Years of service are no longer viewed as a badge of honour
2. Even if you are old, don't act like it. This will be a cue for people in power to question your used-by date. There is one exception to this rule...
3. If you have discovered a photocopier paper jam or toner cartridge alarm, look confused and ask for assistance. Everyone will understand
4. Mistakes will be repeated every 2nd generation (you of course know this being a "late career" person)
5. You are completely dispensable and will not be missed when you leave

Greatest asset - wisdom

Greatest threat - cynicism

Epilogue

So there you have it. The reality check every new starter needs to be forewarned and forearmed as they embark on their corporate world career.

Let me know which of these tips resonated with you the most.

Which do you disagree with?

And leave your own survival tips in the comments below...if you dare.