And the Point of It All ... Is I Love Me

Have you ever been around a child who has put their heart and soul into an effort and still failed? How about a child with an enormous amount of love and kindness to give, who is still picked on and ridiculed at school?

What about a child trying desperately to gain the approval of a parent or caregiver who is cast aside?

Witnessing that kind of disappointment and despair will break your heart.

Innocence being lost. "The real world" sinking in.

Every child experiences disappointment, it's a part of growing up.

If you are a parent or caregiver, you know the pain of watching your child fall and what it's like to want to rescue them and make their pain go away.

You probably also know that failure is critical to success. Children must know what it's like to come up against hardship to be motivated to do what's necessary for prosperity.

A balanced parent allows their child to learn lessons while being available for comfort and to pick up the pieces. They are a shoulder to cry on. A soft place to fall.

But what happens if there isn't a balanced parent available?

What happens if a child fails ... is unloved ... is ignored ... is ridiculed ... is cast aside ... and there is no shoulder to cry on? No soft place to fall?

This past weekend, I saw a social media post highlighting the "Sober Superstars of the Super Bowl" -- Eminem, 50 Cent, Mary J. Blige, and Kendrick Lamar.

I read Eminem's story, highlighting his friendship with Elton John. Both musical superstars were bullied in school and within their homes. Elton John's mother was relentless with her expectations, never praising or affirming. Eminem's mother was in the throes of addiction and would often lash out.

Neither star felt safe at home, facing the unsolvable dilemma of relying on someone for survival who was also a threat. This would have left them lacking an overall sense of trust and comfort while not being taught how to self soothe, repair connections, and feel safe.

It resulted in two superstars who appeared to have it all who were struggling to function.

Have you ever met someone like that?

Someone who grew up in an affluent neighborhood, graduating from a four-year college and earning a white-collar job, getting married and having two kids, three pets, and a white picket fence by the time they were 35.

You wonder, what could possibly be wrong in this person's life?

Well, maybe that person -- like Eminem and Elton John -- had parents who weren't quite as perfect behind closed doors.

Maybe that person -- like Eminem and Elton John -- was bullied, neglected, or ridiculed at home and didn't feel safe.

Maybe that person -- like Eminem and Elton John -- turned to a substance to numb the resulting shame and self-loathing.

Maybe you are that person.

Elton John celebrated 30 years of sobriety in 2020, saying of addiction, "It nearly destroyed my soul. My soul was black, like a charred piece of steak, until I said, 'I need help.' And suddenly, a little pilot light in my soul came along going, 'Yes, I'm still here. I'm still here. I'm still here. I can still be rescued.'"

Eminem nearly died in 2007 after a methadone overdose.

"The doctors told me I’d done the equivalent of four bags of heroin," he said in 2011. "They said I was about two hours from dying."

Eminem -- who performed with Elton John at the 2001 Grammy awards -- reached out to the musician for help. The two forged a close friendship and Eminem has been sober for the past 13 years.

Two men, drastically different in many ways, connected through pain, addiction, and now recovery. You may not think you have anything in common with Eminem or Elton John ... how ridiculous am I to even suggest that you do?

But take a moment and think.

If you grew up without someone to pick up the pieces ... to teach you how to soothe yourself ... to give you a shoulder to cry on ... then maybe you grew up not knowing who you could trust. Maybe you never really felt safe.

Then, when you became an adult, you couldn't see anything from the outside to justify the way you felt inside. Maybe the way you felt inside didn't even register.

You just drank. Or drugged. Or ate. Or didn't eat. Or exercised. Or slept around. Or spent money.

... and you never thought much of it.

Until you found yourself in an anxiety loop, not fully present, wondering why you couldn't just "make yourself happy."

Our reasons for lashing out aren't always obvious.

Sometimes they're well hidden under layers of grief, fear, and shame.

Know that you don't have to earn the right to recover, even if you've always looked like you've had it together.

You don't have to win the Trauma Olympics.

You don't need anyone to justify your pain but you.

This is about your relationship with you.

If you don't love yourself, you are probably looking for someone -- or something -- to fill the void left behind.

But what you should know is that you actually hold the key.

It is your love for yourself that fills that void.

It's not easy to learn how to love yourself when you've never been taught. I once found myself Googling, "how to love yourself" because I didn't know the first thing about it.

Don't be ashamed.

You can do it.

You'll learn with time.

The first step is letting yourself know that you're here, you're willing, and that you're going to do whatever it takes to make sure you'll always have a soft place to fall.

About First and Sober

First and Sober is about living life with presence. For some, that means first getting free from the hold alcohol has on their lives. For all, it means getting real about living each day wide awake and on purpose. If you believe you have a problem with alcohol you can't overcome on your own,?please reach out for help.