A Poem for Kids Applying to College: "Schooled"

At the end of every summer, an American ritual begins anew

When we send our kids off to high school

And make them bite off more than they can chew

 

It’s the torture of getting into college

To which I disdainfully refer

A shameful exercise in pressure

That no child should have to endure

 

So, here’s a list of admission requirements

To help those teens in the breach

My intent is to share some realities

That your instructors aren’t likely to teach

 

Just know from the very beginning

That there is much you’ll need to get done

Forget about prom and pep rallies

None of this is gonna be fun

 

Let’s start with the very basics…

Straight A’s that date back to grade six

Break that streak and you may still have hope

If only among the lower-ranked picks.

 

Great grades are just the beginning

The SAT and ACT loom on the horizon

Ace both of those and you’ll be on the right path

A sure sign that your stock is ‘a risin’

 

Sadly for you, top scores aren’t enough

On the field of sport you must also excel

Something along the lines of Serena or LeBron

First-namers that surely ring a bell.

 

Athletic prowess is a great box to check

And your exploits the fans will herald

But you won’t feel any love, because after the big game

You’ll pen an essay better than F. Scott Fitzgerald

 

Once that’s done, don’t think for a minute

That you’ll steal away for a slice and a cola

If it’s Harvard you want, then your community service

Must be nothing less than a cure for Ebola

   

In the spirit of balance, we must get creative

And exploit the right side of the brain

Just when you think the worst is over

You’ll be introduced to a whole new level of pain

 

  For what would the day be without three hours of piano

And perhaps a Carnegie Hall voice recital

Don’t be fooled, having “Opera Singer” on your resume 

Isn’t just nice, it’s really quite vital

 

The list goes on, but we’ll stop here

By now, you can see where this is going

If you can’t rival Einstein by the age of sixteen

It’s your entire future that you will be blowing

 

The reality is that while college is important

There are many roads to achieving, “success”

The fact you can’t meet these absurd expectations

Doesn’t mean you’ll be a permanent mess

 

What is most important is that you find a way

To define happiness as you see fit

Choose a clear path based on hard-to-achieve goals

And whatever you do, don’t ever, ever quit

 

In spite of what the adults proclaim

You don’t have to be ranked first in the nation

Just believe in yourself and work your butt off

Turning your life into a quest for “self-actualization”

 

Now, that just means be the best that you can be

At whatever it is you choose to do

When you achieve one goal, be sure to set another

That way, your journey will never be through.

 

The search for your better self is really what matters

By any other advice do not be fooled

Commit yourself now to live by these words

And in the end, trust me, you’ll have been properly schooled

-Dan Gardner