The Podcast That Saved My Life

It started when I was six.

I was a gymnast. I had a natural talent and could do the rings with the boys. I still have insane upper body strength for a 5'3" frame.

My coach invested in me. He told my mom that I could make the Junior Olympics.

But... he was worried about my weight.

Mind you, I was a NORMAL weight (whatever that means according to problematic BMI charts).

Convinced I was too big for the big leagues, he encouraged my mom to restrict my food.

Here's an Apple and A Slap in The Face

I'll never forget the night I went into the kitchen. It was before my bedtime and after a long day at school and intense gymnastics practice, I was still hungry. So I approached the pantry to grab a bowl of cereal.

My mom stopped me dead in my tracks and said, "You can't eat that!"

I was confused. Her words didn't immediately register. She took away the cereal and handed me a tiny, McIntosh apple.

Bewildered I took it, devoured it, and went to bed still very hungry.

Closet Eating

Food was never an issue until I started gymnastics. Every bite I ate was scrutinized. Also, because I didn't share my family's natural ultra-svelte body type, everyone around me from my parents to coaches to grandparents was obsessed with getting me to fit their mold.

When I visited Istanbul, my grandmother brought an antique scale out from lord knows where and had me stand on it in her daisy garden. The results were in kilograms, it made me chuckle, but it made her frown.

Once again, my food was restricted. I watched my younger sister gorge on ice cream, homemade french fries, and cheese-filled bereg.

Hungry, I started saving my allowance and spending it on snacks. I'd buy candy at school and eat it during recess. Sometimes an entire chocolate bar because my calories were being so severely restricted.

My mom started to see how unhappy I was, so she pulled me out of gymnastics. But the pressure didn't stop.

"The Golden Girl"

I come from a long line of academics.

• My great-grandfather was Syria's first Surgeon General. He had TWO medical degrees: one in gynecology, the other in ophthalmology.
• My great-aunt Kohar, was chosen to recite an original poem she wrote when one of Armenia's most famous female poets died.
• My grandfather was a piano virtuoso and spoke multiple languages fluently, including Arabic, English, French, Italian, Latin, Armenian, and Turkish.

There was an expectation to at the very least be like them.

I poured myself into learning. I studied and studied.

I wasn't naturally smart. It took me a long time to understand anything. I had to dissect things and understand their smallest parts before I could derive meaning.

MSI: School Year-Round

When I was in sixth grade I took a test. It was for Stuyvesant's Math & Science (MSI) program. Out of a bunch of kids, Shant and I made it. It was a tremendous honor for the two of us to get in, considering we came from a tiny parochial school in Woodside, NY.

My family was thrilled.

I had started my journey to achievement. I was worthy in their eyes. But that came at a cost.

MSI met on Wednesdays after my regular seventh-grade classes. It met on Saturdays and the ENTIRE summer. I endured this for two years.

I was so nervous before school that I threw up all over the bus, which I had to catch at 5:00 AM when most kids were fast asleep.

I asked my mom for an exit, but she called me a quitter. I know now as a parent that she was pushing me to do my best, but didn't realize the true stress the extra academic workload was putting on me.

Binge Eating

I started binge eating to deal with the pressure. This continued for several years.

In high school, I played tennis. My friends had various degrees of eating disorders. Some were full-blown anorexic, while others purged, and others simply skipped lunch or breakfast a few times a week.

I thought I could do that!

So before prom, I starved myself and lost 20 pounds. I looked "great" and could have stopped, but then one of the worst things happened to me.

Abuse and Divorce

I was on holiday with friends in Amsterdam when I was raped. I didn't realize how much that incident would haunt me until later on.

It was almost like an out-of-body experience, and I remember it creating a disconnect between my mind and body.

That same year, my parents announced they were getting divorced after almost thirty years of marriage. My grandmother was diagnosed with dementia, and to top it off, my first boyfriend dumped me.

I left my academic scholarship to move back home and buckle up for our new reality.

A New Identity

I transferred to Hunter College after Clark. To say my life was a blur at this point is an understatement.

My mom, sister, and I were shell-shocked going through the motions of life: paying bills, showing up to work, and turning in assignments. But it was all autopilot with very little thought and intentionality.

I stopped eating. I didn't know what I was supposed to do, the identity I had worked diligently towards was shattered.

I started Hunter a whole forty pounds lighter than when I started Clark, but it still wasn't enough.

Bad Help and Years of Yo-Yo Recovery

I have a love/hate relationship with therapy.

Twenty years ago most of the eating disorder therapists I could afford were awful. Even the ones with the higher price tags had little experience.

I was treated as a nuisance and had SEVERAL doctors tell me, "You're not thin enough to be anorexic."

Naturally, if anyone had ever had an eating disorder knows, those comments fuel, "OH YEAH! Well, I'll show you!"

I think about how early my eating disorder could have been nipped in the bud if therapists and doctors actually listened and saw how problematic it was for a young woman to lose forty pounds in a month-and-half, even though she didn't fit the textbook definition of clinically emaciated.

For years, I would fly under the radar, getting sicker and sicker. Until I hit their MAGIC threshold. The type of underweight that gets people texting your parents, partner, and siblings to ask if you have cancer or terminal disease.

Ditching Traditional Therapy

I wasn't getting the help I needed.

I was desperate for answers, insights, or anyone or anything that could help me.

The therapists and doctors I worked with didn't understand the psychology of someone with an eating disorder.

So Googling one day, I found the podcast that would SAVE my life.

Recovery Warriors

I forget what I entered into Google when I discovered Recovery Warriors.

A podcast... hmm, I thought. Well, I could listen to it when I walked. I decided to give it a try. At first, I was turned off by the intro music and Jessica's voice.

But I decided not to be overly judgey and give the show a fair chance.

It was the BEST decision I ever made.

Jessica talked about eating disorders openly and honestly. She invited guests who had lived through them and understood the behaviors, obsessive thoughts, and habits perplexing many doctors and therapists I had worked with.

The podcast also gave me hope. Some of the guests had been worse than me but had healed through hard work and the RIGHT help.

It was through Recovery Warriors that I found therapists and nutritionists who specialized in eating disorders who understood my struggle and didn't write me off as an "off-white" girl with anxiety.

Podcasts are POWERFUL

I'm just one example of a listener whose life changed because of a podcast. There are AMAZING people doing brave and brilliant things across all categories. That's why when brands dismiss podcasts or think they can phone in a podcast strategy, I beg them to reconsider.

Podcast listeners have intimate connections with hosts, they can smell bullshit a mile away. And, the good hosts can smell it too.

So, if you're looking to make a real impact and HELP people, then you need a strategy that will make you an authentic voice on the same wavelength as the people you're trying to reach.