The Pleasures & Perils of Parenting: my journey thus far!

I turned 8 years old yesterday. As a parent. These are the 8 lessons I have learnt thus far:

1. Plan all you want, but bub leads. Ours came 1.5 months early, very tiny. She confounded even the doctors when she left the NNICU within 24 hours. And that set the tone of our parenting journey- be prepared but learn to be flexible. Lesson 1: Have plans and boundaries but follow bub’s leads too. 

2. Do not sweat about breastfeeding. If you can, fabulous. If you can’t fabulous. My breasts went through various ministrations by well-meaning (humph) nurses and docs in order to lactate when I wasn't. I tolerated it for few days till I ticked them off. I also stopped accepting incessant advices (I call it added vices) from relatives, friends, neighbours and their cattle. Lesson 2: If you can’t breastfeed, it is ok. You are not less. Bub is not less. Mine turned out just fine.

3. Sometimes we had to laugh to keep from bawling louder than our brand new bub. Sometimes we bawled with our brand new bub. Sometimes we bawled louder even when bub wasn't. Sometimes I was bloody nasty, bloody angry, did not like the sight of my bub, my partner, or any living creature- and I told them so. Lesson 3: It is OK not to be OK and saying it loud and clear. Being kind to thyself, needing my space once in a while, is my kinda revolution! 

4. I have had all kinds of conversations with my girl from the moment I knew she is in my womb. And those tok-toks continue. I have been called out by relatives and pals for being too frank, saying too much. Promising not to explain myself to anyone about my parenting style, I just look back at them blankly till they buzz off. Having survived sexual abuse as a wee child myself, I notch up conversations on ‘self’, ‘body’, ‘space’, ‘trust’ ‘sexual abuse’, ‘abuse’... She is aware. She has a Daddy who talks about these issues with her as much as her Mom. She is getting equipped. And this gives me the confidence that her personhood would be free from all kinds of violence. Fingers crossed. Lesson 4: Having clear, understandable tok-toks on anything and everything is super cool and super essential with your bub.

5. As bub is growing up and finding her voice, seeing the power of words and decibel, seeing its effects on people, and rebelling against boundaries, Shiv and I continue to notch up our accountability barometer. We have to be accountable to our bub and she to us. We goof up, we own it, we apologise and we accept consequences. She is learning her parents are perfectly imperfect, just as she is. Lesson 5: It is k for your bub to see the vulnerable you. It is vital for them to see the accountable you.

6. The first 6 years I was physically very active- working out, hiking, embracing the outdoors more. Bub loved it and she did the same. The last two years, my indolence kept winning and I dug a comfy burrow and snuggled into it- painting, reading, listening to music, less of the physical fitness and more of the mental kinds. She copied it. Bub absorbs everything from me and about me. So, I have reviewed my lifestyle and implementing a relatively balanced plan. Lesson 6: Being physically and emotionally healthy is an imperative not a choice.

7. Validating my bub's feelings, instead of patronising her, is important. Acknowledging her feelings of being jealous, not sharing when asked, not wanting to talk when folks are around, and so forth, is vital. Lesson 7: Being compassionate and courageous all the time is very difficult especially when the world around us isn’t. Keeping it real, showing our feelings, embracing all our emotions - the good, bad, ugly - is human. That’s what it means being perfectly imperfect. 

Lesson 8: Helping her to be a kickass feminist is work in progress. In our increasingly unequal and sometimes cruel world, being a child with a gorgeous skin shade as hers, being a child in a multi-cultural country, being a child in an age and time that is incredibly powerful and advanced, it is vital for me that she knows why, when, and how to speak out against all kinds of bigotry and prejudice. So, as her parents, Shiv and I practice it, as we have always done. We reflect with her on cases of bigotry and bullying that she has seen or heard of, or something we saw or read about. We let her practice her skills. We empathise when she didn’t or couldn’t... this perfectly imperfect journey continues.