Please Understand Me!

Saumya wanted to have a fresh beginning in her relationship with her son Ojas. After her visit to the Psychiatrist cum counselor friend Sanjeev, she was feeling charged up to add some fizz and warmth in the cold task based relationship with the sixteen year old. She had resolved to control her temper and not criticize him for his habits especially his waking up at 1pm.

It was Sunday, and Sameer, her husband was also at home as he did not go to clinic after their visit to Sanjeev. They both enjoyed watching some good English movie on the TV. Sameer would switch channel when advertisement would break the flow of movie. And he would switch on to Star World to watch their favourite, The Big Bang Theory??serial. They were thinking of taking lunch, when Ojas came out of his room and joined them. He came quietly and sat down on the sofa after picking up the remote near Sameer. Before Sameer could say anything, Ojas changed the channel to his favourite Ten Sports and started watching the Golf PGA tour match.

Sameer could not stop himself, “What is this Ojas? We are watching the movie. How can you just come and change the channel without even asking from us?”

“This is my time for watching TV and I have to watch this important match.” Prompt came the reply.

Before Sameer could say anything further, Saumya came out from the nearby kitchen and joined Sameer in protesting this sudden takeover of control of TV.

“You want me to sit here or go?” Ojas blackmailed them for being with them.

Saumya got hooked to this bait and shot back angrily, “ Are you going to blackmail us for our love? We love you but that does not mean you can become our dictator and start ordering us about!”

“ You do not want me to enjoy life. Every time I do something you will come and start fighting with me. Even now I was talking to Papa and you jumped in. Can you please stay away from this?” Reorted Ojas.

This really infuriated Saumya. She lost her cool, “ What business you have to come and change Channel without even asking? You don’t even say hello / Hi when you walk in after your sleep. It is Sunday which we can spend together happily but you will do something to spoil the mood and the whole atmosphere at home. When will you learn to behave?”

Sameer was wondering whatever happened to the advice of Sanjeev, their counselor? And what about the resolve to not lose temper by Saumya?

And he jumps in to cool down Saumya, “ Look Saumya, may I request you to stay away from our conversation and let us deal with it.”

Saumya was angry with him too now, “ You are the one who is responsible for his this misbehavior and now you suffer him.” Saying this she just rushed out fuming.

And Ojas too left and went to his room, hurt and upset.

Sameer follows Saumya in kitchen. “Saumya, what is this? I thought you were not going to lose your temper today.”

“ I am helpless. I cannot suffer this fool. He just ignites me with his actions. What business he has to misbehave and change channel? Uh? And he comes like a lord at 2pm in the afternoon. Is this the time to wake up? When will he grow up?”

“Sure, what you are saying is right. But we are unable to work through these problems. There is no use blaming him. You blame him, he blames you and the cycle of hell continues.”

“He is keeping me in hell. Why he does not change his ways and becomes more sensitive and responsible?” Saumya continued in her usual style.

“He will keep you in hell, but can you get out?” said Sameer.

“How?” asked Saumya.

“You want to change him and he wants to change you. Each one is trying to change the other and the matter is stuck because the other thinks he/ she is ok. Now you cannot change him, but you can certainly act in a manner that will elicit different and desirable response from him. That is you have the power to bring about change in your behaviour and that will lead to changed response from him. That’s how you get unstuck and out of hell. As long as you are blaming him and wanting to change him, the hell will continue. Shift the perspective, take the responsibility of his response on your behaviour and you have the power to change your situation!”

“Is it a new theory?” Saumya was not trusting the new advice.

“Theory? This is life transforming insight to get out of hell. Blaming the other is comfortable. You don’t have to change or feel bad for your behaviour. It is others fault and that takes you in your comfort zone. While taking responsibility is tough in the short term because you have to feel the guilt, hurt, etc. But in the long term you convert the same feelings’ energy into learning and not repeat the same mistake. It is the fundamental conflict of short term gain, long term loss and vice versa.

“ For instance, if you take responsibility, you will not blame Ojas. Rather you will say how should I respond to him that he learns to be more sensitive. Now your response led to further fight, anger, hurt and ruined relationship because each one blamed the other. This will make you reflect and learn to be more creative in your response to him and maybe it will work. And if it does not work find another one that works. So it leads to your growth too.” Sameer waited for her reaction to his long winding discourse.

“ Look, right now it would be better that we focus on lunch. I think you do not understand me.” Saumya was still hurt.

“Right, I do not understand you because I am not with your feeling of hurt and helplessness. Maybe this is not the right time to discuss this.”

“Now I feel understood!” Smiled Saumya.?

Sameer was smiling inside because he did not blame her for not understanding but rather changed his response from advice to empathy and it worked. What’s the use in blaming Saumya for not understanding better change the response that will have an effect and create understanding??

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