Please stop using the F* word

“Thanks for the Feedback” by Douglas Stone and Shelia Heen is one of the first books I recommend to new colleagues.  My 1:1 agendas have historically included a “feedback” section and “feedback should be the air we breathe” is something I’ve regularly said.  So it may come as a surprise that I’ve come to believe the word “feedback” is doing harm, and have asked folks to try to refrain from using it.  Why’s that? 

The word “feedback” has grown to be an unhelpful, vague catch-all for a number of very different concepts. These concepts each have a sufficiently different implication that their lazy amalgamation as “feedback” has come to do more harm than good.   Let’s look at the varietals:

Personal preferences: we all have preferences.  You may wish a peer didn’t start the cross-team meeting at 8am, or that if he did, bagels and coffee would be provided.  Too often though, these preferences get lumped under the heading of “feedback”:  “let me give you some feedback --- you really shouldn’t start meetings before 8am.”  This unfortunately translates a factual statement of personal preferences to a normative statement around universal truths, and in doing so, escalates the emotional tenor,  positioning the “feedback” giver as the arbiter of right / wrong.   Why not just simply say “I have a preference for later meetings -- could we start at 9 am instead”  It’s not only more honest and humble, but also more likely to get the result you want. 

Observations or Opinions (the O’s):  sometimes we observe something that the recipient of “feedback” may not have noticed or simply have an opinion we’d like to share.   We may notice folks losing interest in Bob’s 8 am presentation --- people seem sleepy and he may be talking too fast (at least for a coffee-less meeting).  We don’t mind it per se (i.e., not a personal preference), but we think it might be helpful to share with Bob in the spirit of generosity, to help him improve his effectiveness on the team / in the system.   

These are the O’s, observations and opinions, which have a sneaky way of hiding under the should feedback umbrella:  “Bob -- I’ve got some feedback for you.   You really shouldn’t start meeting that early and you should slow down when you talk.”   But is that a universal truth? Or am I simply sharing an observation or opinion that I think might help improve Bob’s effectiveness?   Imagine just saying  “Bob I’ve observed that some people struggle to follow your talks and believe it may be because they’re still tired and you’re talking faster than they can process.”   I suspect Bob may even be more willing to listen if expressed as such.   (nb: personal preferences can sometimes be disguised as opinion which risks being disingenuous, and ultimately less effective).

Expectations:  expectations are the trickiest of the bunch, as they introduce potential consequences to the mix.  In fact, they imply them: if these expectations aren’t met, an action may be taken as a result, which is what differentiates expectations from the O’s and preferences.   For example, the board expects me to have a clearly laid out annual budget, and circulate that budget well before the approval meeting.  This is not just a preference, as if I choose not to meet this expectation, the board may talk to me and ultimately, if I can’t hit these expectations, bring someone else in to lead the team.   Calling this feedback risks confusing this expectation with a preference or observation, and does a disservice both to me and the company.   

So next time you think about “giving feedback” ask yourself whether you’re expressing a preference, an observation or an expectation, and perhaps try framing it as such: (i) I prefer…. (ii) I’ve noticed ….. Or I suspect…. (iii) I expect. 

I won’t say you “should” do it, but it is an observation and something I suspect may help you see the change you’re hoping for.