How to GIVE and GET RESPECT

The research is in. Rudeness is getting worse. Incivility is on the rise.

What can we do about this?

We can choose to treat each other with respect.

You might think we were taught how to do this in school along with math and science. Nope. Somehow, we're supposed to figure this out on our own.

The problem is, when things go wrong, respect is often the first thing to go.

In the heat of the moment, it's easy to give in to temptation and say what's on the tip of our tongue which often makes things worse.

Later on, when we have time to calm down and regain perspective, we may regret what we said, but it's too late to take it back.

The good news is, there's a way to keep our cool - even when other people aren't - so we honor our relationships with others.

Select a "mental stick" that centers you in being the quality of person you want to be - no matter what.

A what?!

Here's what I mean by a "mental stick."

While writing Tongue Fu! , I wanted a visual metaphor to show how we can focus on thoughts that serve us instead of sabotage us.

I found that, in some Indian cities, elephants are still walked to religious ceremonies through crowded streets and marketplaces lined with booths with bright, shiny objects.

The curious elephants can't help themselves. They explore the tempting trinkets with their trunks and create havoc by knocking over everything along their path.

So what do the elephant handlers do?

They give the elephants wooden sticks to hold in their trunks.

Voila. Problem solved. The elephants now have something to hold onto and keep them occupied so they're no longer tempted or distracted by what's around them.

I had an epiphany.

What if we gave our mind positive word sticks to hold onto when we're distracted by angry thoughts and tempted to say something we regret?

What if these word sticks could help us respond instead of react?

Right now, choose a "word stick" to articulate the quality of person you want to be - no matter what. It could be Calm. Classy. Kind. Compassionate, Proactive.

What's yours?

What could be a mantra you repeat to yourself that helps you treat people in a way you can be proud of - that you won't regret at the end of the day?

Maybe your word stick is "Respectful," "See the good." "Be a coach, not a critic."

You know what mine is? A quote from Mary Morrissey, "Hold the vision, not the circumstances."

Next time someone treats you rudely, and you're tempted to put them in their place, choose instead to put yourself in their place and respond with grace.

You don't know what's going on in their life.

They may be struggling to pay bills. Maybe they just lost their job or a loved one. Perhaps they're dealing with a health challenge.

Fill your mind with your centering word stick, "I choose to act in INTEGRITY." or "Pema Chodron's "Be the sky, not the weather."

We may not be able to control circumstances, we do control how we respond to them. We will never regret showing up with equanimity and magnanimity.

Equanimity means "mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation."

Magnanimity comes from "Latin magnus "great" and animus "soul," and literally means?"someone who is big-hearted, noble and generous in spirit."

They key to getting respect is to give respect.

And a key to doing that is to use your centering word stick to keep clam and composed - and to treat others with a generous spirit and a kind tongue.