To please or to be, that is the question

People pleasing can go unnoticed for all your life until you eventually stop yourself and realise what is really going on.

Engaging in people pleasing stems from our childhood. When we learnt that by doing certain things, behaving in particular ways will induce praise from our caregivers, and effectively  gratification for us. By hearing the slogans ‘good girl, good boy’ we were being conditioned to behaving in ways that our environment wanted us to. And as much as an unquestionable amount of learning is necessary, this is the place where people pleasing has its roots.

There is nothing wrong with navigating our children's development and making sure that they are safe and their growth expands healthily. Children need boundaries to feel secure and to advance to the next levels, otherwise the process will be prevented.

However, there is not one perfect or even close to perfect model to bringing up a child, as due to diversity of backgrounds and cultures, we can witness many very different ways of growing a human. And as long as the human is not exposed to a harmful or other prohibited (by a particular country) action, there is not much we can do, until this human becomes an adult and decides otherwise.

When  we are placed in a community, where everyone lives a similar kind of life and behaves or follows similar principles, we do not notice our behaviour, as we operate on autopilot and respond with conditioned manners. Especially, when the community is hermetically closed and its members follow the same faith or life-style, and there is not much scope for diversity.

For instance, living in London or other cosmopolitan cities, will generate very different perception of self and much higher awareness of distinction as the community’s radius is broad and spans very wildly. So in this latter scenario, young people will grow very familiar with possibilities and opportunities to be different, maybe even more awaken.  

The time when young adults first decide to leave the place they grew up and go to college or university outside their community, or even homeland, and are faced with a range of unknown behaviours, can be a pivotal moment for them. They have been suddenly confronted with a huge volume and vibrance of dissimilarities and they will react to it with a extent of different responses.

They may reject, resist, they may feel shocked, surprised, astonished but also fascinated, engrossed, attracted and so on. This is the very time, where their own personality will either resonate or refuse the variability around. And this also may be the time, when they will notice that certain things they were exposed to, were told or expected to do, no longer sits well with them, or are no longer their truths.

This can be a very challenging time for all parties involved. The moment we notice the contrast between ourselves and others with our proclivities swaying towards the others, we may be up for challenge. Depending on our family settings, their rigidity, cultural openness or density, we may experience criticism and disapproval of our opinions, lack of acceptance, understanding of our choices. In the most severe cases, we may be met with lack of tolerance or even rejection that then can be manifested in limitless ways of negative or harmful actions.

The latter possibility will often force one to conform and continue to live their lives by the example they were subjected to, so they can maintain their status quo. Being rejected is one of the greatest fears of human nature, and therefore, so many of us do not live their truth. We learn to comply in order to belong, to be accepted, to be liked, to prevent harassment and hostility. And sadly, this is a choice, we often make when we are faced with reality.

The sad truth is that people pleasing conditions are generated by families and our loved ones.

What is important to bare in mind is the fact that this condition is not caused by strict upbringing or conservative beliefs. This condition can easily emanate from any kind of family, where the elements of insecurities and control were present at least in one of our significant others. The inability to give others a free choice once they become adults, carries detrimental consequences for their emotional and consequently physical health.

So here it is. The truth about pleasing others and putting their needs first is not a part of your personality. This is a trait you developed as a result of being submitted for years or even decades. I am not advocating selfishness, egomania or self-centred behaviours. I am trying to promote the notion of high importance of putting our own needs first because, only when my needs are fulfilled I can be of service and help to others.

When you are on a plane, what is the first thing you hear from the steward’s drill?

Put your mask first before you help others. You are not useful when you are dead.

So you may go through all your life and follow the blueprint of your caregivers to satisfy them, or you may dare to be authentic and live your life and satisfy yourself. Self-contentment with its contagious energy will only expand and bring more of it whilst positively affecting the lives of others. The choice is always yours.

Your reflections are very welcome, please share

Agatha