Please Lord…

Dear Lord,

I know I’m grieving. 

But in all honesty, some days are better than others. I feel like I’m spiraling, headfirst, into a thick and sticky darkness that has sucked the hope and joy from the marrow of my bones.

I couldn’t get out of bed yesterday until the afternoon. Happy snuggled with me until I could muster the desire to put both feet on the floor. 

I feel so despondent.

Apathetic.

Like I don’t care anymore.

My heart breaks when I see my baby sister. I can’t be with the sadness I see pouring from her skin. I can’t talk to her about Tory. About the funeral.

About any of it. 

I feel like I will shatter into thousands of shards of glass, too hurt by life to ever be put back together.

I don’t care what I eat.

I’ve given up on sleeping.

I feel safest in my car.

I’m trying to hire a personal trainer but even that feels hollow.

Empty.

Meaningless.

My prayers feel plastic.

I wish I were angry.

Outraged.

About ANYTHING.

Politics. Life. Social change.

I simply don’t care right now.

Not enough to get back in the ring and fight for what I believe and stand for.

The only things that comfort me are Happy, my private clients, and writing.

I pray, “God, please, help me feel good about life again.”

I am wrapped in a world of gray.

No appetite.

No taste.

No drive.

Please Lord, help me.

Give me a sign.

A victory,

SOMETHING…

…that breathes life back into my soul…