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For the past few months, I’ve been trying to live quietly.

Over the course of my life, and whenever I’ve gone through setbacks, whether it’s with sobriety, debt and mental health, I’ve always been the first to want to talk about it publicly, not least because I felt like it could help people.

However, I reached a point recently, where I wondered whether that was the primary reason? And why was I revealing really personal details on social media to the world around me?

Was it because I wanted to help people? Or was it because I liked the feeling of support and warmth from other people when I did it. The beautifully orchestrated dopamine hit that I get when validated by people.

It came at a point where I was struggling with my self-worth. And I realised that it’s difficult to get self-worth when you’re perpetually asking other people to give it to you first. So, if I was to ever wean myself off using other people’s validation to keep me buoyant, I had to learn how to be self-sufficient.

To not consistently reach for my phone or laptop to talk about my achievements publicly first, and then hope for self-worth to miraculously spring up later, whilst continuously checking my phone for notifications.

And the truth is, it was difficult at first. It was weird to not broadcast my life to people, as I’d grown used to it. I’d grown used to revealing really intimate details about myself and my life experience, because, quite simply, people seemed to like it.

And for someone who struggled with self-worth, how nice to suddenly have such an outpouring of support. It made me feel interesting.

The more pain I was in, the bigger the revelation, the more likes it seemed to get. And, on social media, that led me into a dangerous game. What other issues could I talk about? What could I use for likes? What in my life feels newsworthy?

And that’s when I wondered whether the balance was tipping away from helping people, and more towards trying to help myself.

What I’m not saying is that talking about your experience isn’t helpful. I’m proud and humbled by the reception to some of my articles and how they have apparently helped other people feel less alone. Especially with things like debt which carry so much shame around them.

However, I have recently discovered another form of joy, which is consciously not telling people everything.

Not reeling off my life as it’s a form of CV for people to say they like.

Which, for someone like me, who casually dropped into conversation that I was an alcoholic as if I was chatting about the fact I love rock climbing, felt like quite a big deal.

There’s a piece of literature I was given (maybe someone giving me the hint) where it challenges you to ‘do something good, and not tell anyone about it. If you tell someone about it, it shall not count’.

That to me was revolutionary. Making me realise how beautiful it is to do something nice, without needing someone afterwards to say, ‘that was very kind of you’, but to do that part to yourself. And to smile and take time to enjoy that feeling.

Previously, I’d seen the amount of likes I got as a reward for my struggles and achievements.

My pat on the back.

However, likes, for me, have always had a temporal quality. Especially because someone’s liked my post about mental health, and probably seconds earlier, liked a post about a lady on Zoom who can’t stop appearing as a potato. ?

So now I want to invest more in what someone wise told me about: ‘top-lines’.

These are a list of rewards and treats, whether it’s having a hot bath listening to jazz, taking myself out to dinner, doing a course, or getting a massage. I also bloody love a breathwork session.

It means when I’m looking for validation externally, I can lean into doing these. Giving myself a proper reward for getting through something tough, for doing something amazing, or just because… as I don’t always need a reason to treat myself.

In doing so, I felt far more at peace and happy with my actions than I ever have with 183 likes… would’ve loved 200 to be fair.

And, in practicing living quietly, and reserving my special moments for me and my family, it encourages me to stop putting my life up for discussion, and not using social media as a pacifier for when I’m feeling lonely or sad.

I now get to have good days, bad days, and anything in between, without seeing if you like it.

So, I’d really encourage you to not like this post. I don’t need you to anymore.