Please don't give me feedback

When somebody says “May I give you some feedback?”, what's the first thing that comes to your mind? Probably that this is not going to be a good thing. You may find yourself saying yes, but your biological response screams otherwise. Your body tends to stiffen, your muscles tense up and you suddenly become alert. You start preparing your defenses for what lies ahead. 

If there is one word that brings a sense of foreboding, it is feedback. We are constantly told that we need to be open to feedback and find a way to embrace this positively. Examples of life-changing feedback are quoted in seminal management books; several stories are narrated about leaders who harnessed the power of feedback – all in the process of convincing us that feedback is an essential stepping stone to success. There are processes like '360 surveys' that are designed to tap into this very variable and make it work from a developmental perspective. 

Managers tend to begin some of these feedback conversations by calling out our virtues but very soon we know the middle layer of the feedback sandwich is coming. The switch happens when we hear the word ‘but’. As soon as we hear this word everything that was said before disappears from our minds. We leave such conversations feeling deprived of energy, a little less motivated and feeling a sudden threat to survival. Sometimes we may become defensive or experience denial.

I hear from many of my coaching clients that they dislike feedback, that they are exhausted of being constantly told to change and they would like nothing better than to be left alone. On deeper examination a pattern reveals itself and this pattern may not relate to the feedback itself but:

• the person giving the feedback – who is this person to tell me what to do, I do not respect or trust this person enough to take feedback from him/her
• the manner in which the feedback is given – loaded with judgements, making the other person feel inferior, impacting the dignity of the receiver of such feedback
• the intention of the person delivering the feedback - Does the person truly care about me, is he/she invested in my success and is this feedback coming from a good place?

If one or more of these variables are at play, we may find ourselves resisting the feedback. We are more likely to be receptive if it comes from someone who brings trust and authenticity to the interaction and does not judge us. This is the role that the coach is expected to play. It is important to consider that:

Sometimes in order to change we need to feel understood first.

In general, there is no gainsaying that we should be open to all forms of feedback – good or bad, and that some negative feedback can indeed help us grow and develop.

However, I would like to dwell more on the power and importance of a particular kind of positive feedback that is perhaps undervalued.

When we recall the positive feedback received in our careers, phrases such as ‘good job’, ‘well done’, ‘keep it up’, ‘congratulations’ etc. come to mind. We feel thrilled to receive such feedback. It tells us that our achievements are seen, valued and acknowledged. Even the best of us need this from time to time. It helps us relish our victories, reassure us that we are on the right track and look back on our journey with pride.

However, such feedback is often directed more towards results that we have achieved, and says less about ourselves, although there is an implied association. The corollary of this is that we get the dark side of the same coin when the results have not been achieved.

Further, it is often misused by managers to deliver cliched messages when they do not really mean it. They have been coached/pushed repeatedly to demonstrate a behavioural change (pay attention to people issues, have empathy etc.) and they adopt a ‘fake it to make it’ approach to get by. But the thing is that employees can smell this coming from a mile away.  

On the other hand, consider a positive feedback that goes well beyond good job and well done. This feedback is specific, highlights behaviours and qualities that have contributed to getting the results and is supported by relevant examples for us to see what is working. I am referring to a feedback that is eye-opening where the person has taken the pain to decode it for you and established the connection between who you are and what you have done.

Over the years I have seen leaders adopt this and some examples of what they said to their teams have included the following:

•  “I thought your presentation was clear, concise and powerful. I liked the way you articulated the problem, how you elicited participation and how you presented multiple options for the team to consider”.
• “I like the way you build client relationships. You take ownership of the client’s problem, work diligently to solve it and as a result build foundational trust with the client. Over time the client sees you as their go-to person and I find this equally powerful as compared to a stereotypical flamboyant sales approach of winning the client over”.

Such feedback has performed a critical function for me - They alerted me to strengths and skills that I was not fully aware of. This is a very important aspect as we are most likely to brush off aspects that seem to come easily for us. However, these elements that others note or observe may hold significance for us if we should decide to examine them further. Our career choices may be dependent on this very thing that others say we do well.

I am often approached by people who want to pursue a coaching career and one of my first questions to them is why do you want to be a coach. Often their answer is the very essence of such feedback - people seek me out for advice, people say I am a good listener, people say I show empathy, people say that I bring simplicity to complex problems etc.

This feedback can come from anywhere – peers, team, bosses, friends, family, clients, and others. It has the power to transform your life and career. It gives you something really tangible to build on bringing back meaning and passion to your pursuits.

So, the next time you want to give me feedback – please don’t, unless you are willing to take out additional time to explain, elaborate, understand and care.

And when someone says ‘well done’, please don’t accept it at its face value, activate the ‘click to know more' button.