Playing Our Part in Conflict: The Stories We Tell Yourselves

Whether it’s a disagreement with a colleague, a misunderstanding with a friend, or a heated debate on a larger societal issue, conflict is an intrinsic part of human relationships that emer when different perspectives clash.

But what often goes unnoticed is the powerful role that the stories we tell ourselves play in shaping and perpetuating these conflicts. These stories can either escalate a conflict or help resolve it, depending on our awareness of them and how we attend to their inherent flaws.

The Flaws in Our Stories

As humans, we are natural storytellers. We constantly weave narratives to make sense of our experiences with the world and one another. And moments of conflict are no different. When a disagreement occurs, our minds quickly construct a story about what happened, why it happened, and who is to blame. This narrative becomes our truth, guiding our emotions and actions.

However, these stories are rarely objective or complete. They are influenced by our past experiences, our emotional state at the time, and our inherent biases. They are built on limited information—often just fragments of a bigger picture—and filled in with assumptions. We assume we know why the other person acted the way they did, or we believe we fully understand the situation when, in reality, we may only see a small part of it.

No matter how incomplete the dataset is that holds up our house of assumption, until we consciously reckon with its validity, these assumptions are experienced as facts of nature.

These assumptions can lead to misunderstandings and misinterpretations that fuel the conflict. For example, if a colleague sends a curt email, we might assume they are upset with us, when in fact they might just be busy or stressed about something else entirely. This assumption can then lead us to respond defensively, creating a cycle of escalating tension.

This is one reason that if we’ve been hurt or betrayed in the past, we might be more likely to interpret someone’s actions as hostile or malicious, even when they are not. Similarly, our current stress levels or mood can color our perceptions, leading us to jump to conclusions that aren’t fully grounded in reality.

The Power of Self-Awareness

Improving our awareness of the stories we tell ourselves is crucial for resolving conflicts more effectively. By recognizing that our narratives are often incomplete and biased, we can create space for curiosity and open-mindedness to challenge the gaps in our thinking. This awareness allows us to question our assumptions, seek out missing information, and consider alternative perspectives.

One way to cultivate this awareness is through mindfulness—paying attention to our thoughts and feelings without immediately accepting them as truth. By noticing the stories we are constructing in real-time, we can pause before reacting and choose a more thoughtful response. This doesn’t mean dismissing our emotions or experiences, but rather approaching them with a sense of inquiry and a willingness to see beyond our initial interpretations.

Understanding the Other Person’s Story

In addition to examining our own narratives, it’s equally important to consider the story the other person might be telling themselves. Just as our perspective is shaped by our experiences and biases, so is theirs. By seeking to understand their viewpoint, we can uncover the underlying needs and concerns driving their actions, which can lead to more empathetic and productive conversations.

Approaching the conflict with the mindset that the other person, at worst, is an adversarial partner changes our approach and perspective of the entire situation. An adversarial partner is someone we work to win back over. An adversary is something we try to subdue or eliminate. The story we tell ourselves the other person has a direct hand in how we choose to operate. Seek to make their needs equal to your own.

Engaging in dialogue where both parties are open to sharing and listening to each other’s stories can bridge the gap between conflicting perspectives. This doesn’t mean that both sides will agree on everything, but it does create a foundation for mutual respect and understanding, which is essential for finding common ground. Validation doesn't require agreement. Validation is the fundamental goal of any conflict because it unveils opportunities to find resolution.

Rewriting the Story

Ultimately, the stories we tell ourselves about conflict, ourselves, and others have a profound impact on how we navigate disagreements.

Seek to become more aware of the flaws and assumptions in your narrative. Only then can you start to rewrite these stories in a way that fosters resolution rather than division. This shift in perspective will allow you to move from a place of defensiveness and blame to one of curiosity and collaboration, where conflict becomes an opportunity for growth and connection rather than a source of ongoing strife.