Playing the blame game is BS!

Here's how That's BS! newsletter works. In each issue, I'll share some insight into a specific topic (unhelpful actions?you may take) that can be coached. Then I dive into some of the behaviours (B) associated to it and the strategies (S) that one can apply to create new impactful habits. The formula is?Unhelpful action = B -> S?(hence the name of this newsletter "That's BS!", get it?).

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Playing “the blame game” indicates that you may need to increase your emotional intelligence (EQ), however unlike your IQ, your EQ is highly impactable. Making the effort to change your thinking can and will lead to success.

The challenge is that, for many people, assigning blame versus owning what actually happened is much easier. My 3 year old does it when he’s been caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to, he sometimes even blames the dog! Now, in real life, adults can’t blame the dog - that would make them look a tad crazy - and adults know better, right?

The truth is, people often find themselves blaming other people in tough situations, needing to relieve pressure or take control back.

Question: Have you ever been in the position of feeling down on your luck or overwhelmed with emotion and lashing out at others because you are not achieving what you wanted? Placing your failings, shortcomings and blame on them.

Does that sound like you or someone you know?

“Hey, the reason I didn’t get the job done is because he/she wouldn’t give me what I needed.”

What about?

“Well you made me act this way, it’s all your fault we got into a fight.”

Time and again shifting the attention elsewhere, to avoid the focus on ourselves and admitting what could be game changing truth.

NOW, THAT'S BS!

B is for Behaviours

Here are a few reasons why this behaviour would occur:

• It’s a great defence mechanism in the heat of the moment. Basically “I feel bad and want to place it with you”.
• It provides a perceived position of strength to go from defence to offence, it’s a forward thrust in a verbal altercation. Driven by the EGO!
• It’s much easier in the moment for someone else to carry the blame.
• It’s quicker than trying to articulate and explain what really happened or own what we are truly feeling.
• It’s instant and easy gratification “not my fault” versus the realisation and pain of knowing we are in the wrong “yes, I need to be more”.

C'MON, THAT'S REAL BS!

S is for Strategies

So be honest with yourself and if this is you, it’s time to own that BS!

Nearly all toxic and unhelpful behaviours require us to acknowledge it as OUR issue before anything else can happen.

Here’s what you can do: connect with how good life would be if you stopped passing the buck onto your partner, family, friends, or work colleagues? Would you feel Brave? Empowered? Truthful?

If blaming others is the behaviour you wish to stop, then what are the behaviours that you wish to replace it with? Start with this:

1. When you fall short of the objective, step up and say “Yep, that was on me”. Taking responsibility is 1 of 3 things that will build your confidence (the other 2… that’s for another newsletter). People will respect and trust you more for it.
2. Next time you’re looking to shift blame, try this: Shift your perspective from “It’s out of my control” to “that is in my control?” Stop. Pause. Take a few moments to gather your thoughts then proceed to find a solution vs creating another problem by passing it on to someone else. Embrace the mindset of purposeful positive actions.
3. Start the day with a personal mantra. “I will own my actions and results and not shy away from the impact they create. Good or bad”.
4. Understand where and when you tend to do this, under what circumstances. Try and identify the trigger that causes you to react that way and dig into why that’s the case.

As your brain fires and rewires these new behaviours, the connections supporting old, toxic behaviours will start to fade. It might be tough, but you can and will change.

Someone else said about this

”Blame is the discharging of pain and discomfort." Brené Brown

That's a wrap. Don't hesitate to let me know what you think and feel free to invite your connections to subscribe if you think they could benefit from reading this.

From the Author

Thanks for joining me! I'm Luke Fenwick.

I'm a life coach and a habits man; in fact a big focus of my coaching philosophy is about forging new beliefs and life habits in order to create fulfilling legacies. I consider myself as a Behaviour Strategist.

In 2020, the world went through a crisis and I felt like if I could help in any way, I had to. So I came up with the?big audacious goal to impact 1 MILLION lives by 2025?(I know...what was I thinking?!). Hence this newsletter!

Heck, I'm not saying I aim to have 1 million subscribers?(how cool would it be though?)?but I hope it plays a big part in reaching as many people as I can.

Why?That's BS!?you ask? Good question.?

One of the principles of [life] coaching is to ask questions, make someone go where it's uncomfortable to go, poke a little more and make the person find the answers themselves. Basically, through my coaching, I get my clients to see through the pile of crap (limiting beliefs) they've built for themselves over the years and get them to the point where they can call themselves out on their own BS. The rest is the easy part, it's about me giving them the strategies and the tools they need to succeed. There, that's why I thought a newsletter called?That's BS!?is fitting.

So I hope you'll find yourself in some of the topics and that you'll get some good take-aways. It may challenge you at times, you might not like what you read... but if you're honest with yourself, that's part of the process.

Until the next one...?Be safe, be present, be you.

Luke Fenwick

PS: this newsletter was originally written for my subscription-based fortnightly newsletter of the same name That's BS! For more info or to subscribe, click here.