Planning to Have a Child? Have You Thought Through The Reasons?

In my practice I have often found family dynamics and stresses affecting the behavior of a child.

Research has found associations of births after unintended pregnancies and an impaired mother-child relationship. These children receive less attention and warmth from their parents than children whose births were planned. Unintended pregnancy could have an impact not only during childhood but also later in life, as suggested by increased mental health problems and lower self-esteem among teenagers and young adults whose births were not planned.

Now of course having a child is a personal decision. However given that it has a direct effect on the overall cognitive skills and personality of the child, I would urge you to have the right reasons before going for welcoming the new life.

So if I have to list down a few points here, I would say: 

1. Are you wanting to have a child to please grandparents or pressurized by relative?

Or wanting to have a child because that is the social cycle?

Many of the first-borns fall in this category. We didn’t plan, but it was in any case one of the milestones in my life. Well, it is you who would have to provide the required attachment to the child for him or her to feel safe, heard and understood.

The security of attachment is an important cornerstone of social and personality development, because infants and young children who are securely attached have been found to develop stronger friendships with peers, more advanced emotional understanding and early conscience development, and more positive self-concepts, as compared to insecurely attached children.

You really want to see your readiness there before getting into “pleasing others” mode.

2. Another not so great reason could be – Wanting to have a child to give company to the older sibling.

It would be very soon when your older child is going to complain- Oh, you are spending all your time with this baby. Or oh, this is not exactly the kind of brother or sister I wanted!!

If it is about just giving a company to your child, well look for some other avenues that are easier on you, say a pet? Or maybe more playdates with friends.

3. Lastly wanting to have a child to fill some kind of vacuum in your life

or Assuming this would be the key to your “missing happiness”,

or To seal the marriage,

or In some cases to keep yourself occupied!!!

Parenting is about spending more hours in giving than receiving for a really long time…in some cases that can last for a life time! Giving strength, giving support, giving unconditional love, giving value system apart from all other materialistic needs….It is essentially about “Giving”.

It is no wonder even at my age, when I feel out of place, all I want to do is call up my mom and just have a monologue with her.

It is about holding on, it is about absorbing.

What that means is, you as a parent need to have an alternative life where you are able to empty what you absorb while bringing up your child. Have you built that?

If not, I am afraid my friend, you are working towards increasing the vacuum that you already had in your life.

Today’s lifestyle brings in hyper connectivity, over exposure to information, paucity of time of adults’ with the children, a disconnected parent-child relationship or a connect-laden with guilt and instant gratification way of upbringing.

The questions that you and your partner may want to ask yourself before this BIG decision could be:

Am I in a mode of feeling full within and giving out, extending myself?

Have I built sources of energy around to balance out the energy that it takes to raise a child?

Do I have enough rein on my life? For how do I support another life when I am dodgy in my own journey?

Find your center. Find your happiness. Find your seat belt and your grip.

Before you think you are ready to ride on to the roller coaster ride of parenthood!!

The gist is- It is important is to have children for the right reason and in the right state of mind, for it is a life in your hand that will get shaped accordingly.

Best Wishes!

Click here to view the video of the article: https://youtu.be/hGf2idU_Xxc

Feel free to reach out to me for your child’s behavior related questions or concerns. With children, the earlier the intervention….the better it is.

References:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3775543/#:~:text=Research%20has%20found%20associations%20of,18%2C%2019)%2C%20and%20fewer

https://news.umich.edu/study-when-a-child-s-birth-is-unplanned/

https://nobaproject.com/modules/social-and-personality-development-in-childhood#:~:text=The%20security%20of%20attachment%20is,and%20more%20positive%20self%2Dconcepts%2C