Plan of action to Help Kids Resolve Conflict

Two first grade boys argue on the playground while playing kickball with a group of kids. One calls the other a cheat and threatens to tell the teacher. The other boy yells back that he’s not a cheat, but that he never wants to play with the other boy again. He stomps away from the kickball field with his head down. The game resumes without him.

Building friendships is a procedure, and there are by and large a few bumps along the road. While these ups and downs may seem minor, hurt feelings between friends can lead to cutting edge interactions and shifting friendships. The boy who was called a cheat, for example, chose to end this struggle and conflict by walking away, but the conflict wasn’t actually resolved.

Conflict resolution skills play an important role in healthy friendship development. A child who battle to cope with frustration, for example, is likely to project that frustration onto a friend. A child who has difficulty finding solutions to friendship problems might feel hopeless when an argument occurs. A child who doesn’t know how to verbalize his feelings will likely freeze up and shut down when conflict occurs.

The good news is that young children can learn to manage emotions and conflict to learn how to handle tricky friendship situations. With a few strategies, kids can become problem solvers and maintain their friendships, even when conflict occurs.

Picture and Teach the stoplight.

In this approach ask your child to close his eyes and picture a stoplight. When the red light is on, he should take three deep breaths and think of something calming. Researchers say that when the light turns yellow, it’s time to evaluate the problem. Can he handle this on his own? Does he need adult help? Think of two problem solving strategies that might work. When the light turns green, choose a strategy (ask for help, go outside and run around, work on a compromise) and give it a try.

In this simple science using the red light to calm down helps kids better able to understand the problem and choose a strategy. It helps when practicing the stoplight when your child is calm will also help your child remember the process.

Two first grade kids argue on the playground while playing kickball with a group of kids. One calls the other a cheater and threatens to tell the instructor. The other boy yells back that he’s not a cheater, but that he never wants to play with the boy again. He stomps away from the kickball field with his head down. The game resumes without him.

While building friendships is a process, and there are generally a few bumps along the road. While these ups and downs may seem minor, hurt feelings between friends can lead to harsh interactions and shifting friendships. The boy who was called a cheater, for example, chose to end this conflict by walking away, but the conflict wasn’t actually resolved.

Learning strategies for conflict resolution skills play an important role in healthy friendship development. A child who struggles to cope with frustration, for example, is likely to project that frustration onto a mortal friend. And a child who has difficulty finding solutions to friendship problems might feel hopeless when an argument occurs. As you will see a child who doesn’t know how to verbalize his feelings will likely freeze up and shut down when conflict occurs.

The good news is that young children can learn to pull off emotions and conflict to learn how to handle tricky friendship situations. With a few strategies, kids can become problem solvers and maintain their friendships, even when conflict occurs.

Practice talking about feelings.

We tend to find that young children tend to react quickly to upsetting events. Being quick to frustration or engaging in black and white thinking and damn blaming are common reactions to friendship troubles with young children. Using these tools they need to practice talking about their feelings in a healthy and calm way.

Teach your child to use “I feel” statements when upset with a friend. Experts say that when kids learn to use these statements, they focus on how a behavior affected them without resorting to blaming.

“I feel angry when something is grabbed out of my hands. Please don’t do that,” states the feeling and the behavior without arguing or displacing the angry feelings. “I feel lonely when I’m not included at recess. Can I please join your group next time?” lets another child know that feeling left out hurts and offers a solution.

Exercise brainstorming solutions.

For all children while it might seem easier to help them solve a problem by telling them what to do to fix it, kids become better problem solvers when they learn how to find solutions on their own.

Get a blank sheet of paper and markers in a variety of colors. Ask your child to depict what happened from start to finish from her point of view. When she’s finished, ask her to pick a color and brainstorm three possible solutions to the problem that might work for her. Next, ask her to step into her friend’s shoes and try to recite the story from her perspective. This can be hard and might take a few tries. Ask her to choose a color to represent her friend and brainstorm three possible solutions that might work for her friend. Finally, ask your child to look for the common ground. Is there a solution that might work for both? If not, brainstorm three more solutions that meet in the middle.

Lets look at the struggle from different perspectives, kids learn to empathize with their peers and look for solutions that help everyone involved.

Talk & Listen to the Child

Help your child to recognise the value of using words and talking nicely to solve conflict. Work together to develop a phrase that they can say to a friend to help start the resolution process, for example, “Let’s talk about this and find a way to work together.” Learning to say how they feel and what they wish would happen, rather than attributing blame and overly focusing on the cause of the conflict, are also great skills to have.

Being a good listener is also important. When communicating and helping children learn to listen to each other can be difficult, especially when they are very young or emotionally upset, and often times when they are tired or upset trying to talk it through will not work well. In these instances, it is often foremost to wait until your child is calm before proceeding with any positive conflict resolution strategies.

Problem Solve Together with Children to Find a Solution

Initially when using these strategies children will need help to navigate the process of brainstorming potential solutions together, with the aim being to find a solution that makes everyone happy.It is important to know that for younger children, keep the options limited and simple. For older children, remind them that everyone has the right to be heard and that no idea is a silly idea.

Promote Fairness

Kindness is a muscle and talk regularly with children about the benefits of being kind, being fair and sharing with others, and catch them doing the right thing as often as you can – rewarding positive examples with lots of verbal encouragement. While young children find it difficult to understand why they need to ‘take turns,’ they will often be more willing to share when bucked up to let the other child have a turn once they are done – this gives the child a sense of control over the situation and the act of sharing, rather then it being something they are being directed to do by an adult or peer.