The Pitfalls of Being the Likable Leader
Everyone wants to be liked. It’s a natural human instinct tracing back to our ancestors. When people like us, we feel safer. And when we’re in a leadership position, being liked often comes with trust and loyalty.
But when it becomes our primary goal, especially as a leader, it can do more harm than good—taking our focus away from making critical decisions.
This edition of Words at Work explores the pitfalls of being the likable leader, suggesting alternative, healthier behaviors to help your team flourish.
Why We Feel the Need to Be Liked
The desire for social acceptance is deeply rooted in human evolution—we are wired for it. Our ancestors' survival depended on being liked and accepted within their tribe, as inclusion meant access to shared resources, protection from predators, and cooperative caregiving. Those who were ostracized faced greater risks, reinforcing the adaptive advantage of social bonding. Over time, we evolved intricate non-verbal communication cues—smiling, maintaining open body language, speaking softly—to signal affiliation and minimize threats. These behaviors, which once ensured survival, continue to shape our interactions today, reflecting the enduring power of our evolutionary need for connection.
Some people are naturally more concerned with being liked than others, and a variety of experiences and traits can shape this tendency. For some, past experiences—especially difficult or traumatic ones—may lead them to seek approval as a way to feel safe. This can show up as "fawning," where someone instinctively tries to please others to avoid conflict or rejection, often stemming from early relationships with caregivers.
Mental well-being also plays a role. Conditions like social anxiety can make interactions feel higher stakes, making approval feel even more important. Similarly, certain forms of depression have been linked to a deep need for reassurance from others.
Even how our brains are wired can influence this. For example, many people with ADHD experience rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD), which can make perceived rejection feel especially painful. As a result, they may put extra effort into earning approval to avoid that discomfort.
While everyone wants to be accepted to some degree, the reasons behind it can be deeply personal and shaped by a mix of experiences, emotions, and biology.
By uncovering the root of our need to be liked, whether it simply comes from our natural human instincts or something deeper, we can use that self-awareness to choose better behaviors and ways of thinking.
The Downsides of Chasing Likability
As leaders, we want people to trust us; trust promotes psychological safety which helps ideas flow freely. Wanting to be liked isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but when it becomes our prime focus, we can lose sight of what matters most in leadership: the lasting impact we make on our team.
For example, when we over-prioritize likability, we can become avoidant of difficult but necessary conversations and decisions because we don’t want to upset others. And when we avoid rocking the boat, we may inadvertently rock other boats that lead to miscommunications, lack of accountability, unclear feedback—all of which can inhibit growth.
Hyper-vigilance about likability can also drain a leader’s energy and lead to exhaustion and burnout.
Respect: A Better Alternative
While likability is often rooted in fleeting encounters, respect is earned over time. Through consistent behaviors that embody integrity and competence, leaders can gain enduring respect from their reports. And with respect comes trust and loyalty, which hold significantly more value than likability, both from a leadership and business perspective.
Some behaviors leaders should practice consistently to earn respect include:
Practicing these respect-building behaviors doesn’t mean sacrificing likability—in fact, they can often enhance it. For example, offering clear, constructive feedback while also providing a path forward can foster motivation and trust among team members. People appreciate leaders who communicate with both honesty and support. The key is to stay grounded in your values and prepared for any response, remembering that true leadership isn’t measured by popularity but by the lasting impact you leave on those you lead.
Use Emotional Intelligence to Balance Likability and Respect
Leaders benefit from being personable and approachable, as it may promote openness, connection, and collaboration. Meanwhile, if a leader disregards these factors, they run the risk of being overly authoritative and, therefore, unapproachable.
Leaders must strike a balance between likability and authority and can do this by leading with emotional intelligence—tuning into our team’s emotions (and our own) to help make firm decisions and set boundaries while prioritizing the team’s emotional health.
Here are some examples of how to use emotional intelligence to balance likability with respect:
Conclusion
Remember, the desire to be liked is deeply ingrained in us—it’s part of our DNA, and there’s no shame in it. Being a likable leader has its advantages, but it doesn’t carry the same weight as a legacy built on respect.
As with most things, balance is key. Leaders can lead with emotional intelligence and empathy—remaining personable and approachable—without compromising their authority. The goal is to cultivate connection while maintaining the respect that defines lasting leadership.
I invite you to reflect on your own desire to be liked—where it comes from and how it has gotten in your way in the past—and perhaps explore ways to strike a better balance.
Every thought is a possibility.