Pin Some Gratitude on The Donkey

When my kids were young, I introduced a daily gratitude practice to our evening routine. This was in the early 90s before social media and millions of good hearted people contributed to popularizing the routine and before the “science of gratitude” data was splashed all over Facebook.? They dutifully scratched their 3 things into their special books and then shared if they were inspired to do so. A “gratitude tree” adorned our giant chalkboard the entire month of November, and we all scribbled our “gratitudes” onto orange, yellow and red construction paper cut into the shapes of leaves, which we pasted onto the tree. The times when they resisted, I never insisted they participate, but those few minutes just before dinner were reserved for the exercise.

As they grew older, I struggled with whether this would help or harm them, as I didn’t want to leave them with sour memories of feeling they had to force a false or superficial response when they asked themselves what they were grateful for that day. We’ve all had the experience of asking someone how they are and their words of gratitude obviously mask a miserable state, as in “Well, I’m grateful I woke up on this side of the grave this morning” or “ Super grateful I didn’t die today” and other such faddle.

Like the story of Stubbornius and Gratitude Village. In a quaint little mountain village nestled between rolling hills and towering peaks, there lived a donkey that was the talk of the town. This wasn't your ordinary donkey; he was known for his extremely stubborn and disobedient nature. The villagers called him Stubbornius. Neither was the village an ordinary village, it was known for a curious tradition where forced gratitude was the norm. No matter what happened in their lives, the Villagers were required to say they were grateful even when they were struggling in their lives.?

Stubbornius had a mischievous streak that manifested in his daily escapades. He roamed the narrow streets of the village, unperturbed by the disapproving glances of the villagers. He would nibble at vegetable stands, tip over baskets of freshly harvested fruits, and occasionally bray loudly in the middle of the night, disrupting the otherwise tranquil mountain air. No matter how kind the villagers were to him, he continued to complain and disobey. The villagers were instructed to pin notes of thanks on to the donkey’s tail, believing this superficial act would change the donkey’s outlook on life.

This resulted in a very peculiar sight, yet the donkey, burdened with these hollow praises, remained unchanged, a symbol of the futility in asking it to be something it was not. Its bad behavior persisted until a wise elder remarked, "Why are we playing pin some gratitude on the donkey?" The villagers, perplexed, finally began to understand the absurdity of their ritual.

It was then that an old wise woman in the village spoke up. She suggested that instead of merely tolerating Stubbornius, the villagers should seek to understand and address the root of his mischief. True change, they realized, required addressing the underlying issues. The discomfort of facing the donkey's disruptive behavior became a metaphor for the discomfort of facing their own uncomfortable feelings.

Taking her advice to heart, the villagers embarked on a journey of discovery. They learned that Stubbornius had a playful spirit but was also seeking attention, care and a purposeful sense of belonging. Instead of scolding him, they began to spend time with the donkey, providing him with the companionship he craved and showing him ways he could contribute to the needs of the community.

In acknowledging the complexities and nuances of life, the villagers learned that true gratitude goes beyond the surface. It is not a mere recitation but an authentic acknowledgment that demands addressing underlying issues. Just as the donkey's behavior transformed only when the root causes were addressed and healed, so too did the villagers find that genuine gratitude blossomed when they confronted and embraced the deeper truths within themselves.

One of my sons shared with me today that the value of a gratitude practice for him was in wrestling with his attention to direct it to focus on something other than what he was dissatisfied with in his life and turn towards solutions. By becoming aware of the things that were already working or bringing him joy, he could raise his energy and expand his outlook to see more of what is possible. This heartening confirmation that the process of engaging in such a struggle is of itself profitable, is motivating!

Lately, shadow journaling has gained more popularity as a practice, wherein challenging questions are broached to enhance self-awareness. Rooted in the Jungian notion of the "shadow," representing aspects of ourselves and our experiences that we tend to avoid—tough questions, unresolved issues, or truths we hesitate to acknowledge. Creating space to acknowledge psychological "shadows" becomes crucial when confronting difficult emotional challenges. I posit that integrating one's shadows is just as vital as recognizing the positive aspects when seeking the rewards of gratitude. Both together, integrated into a daily practice can be life changing!

Wherever you are and whoever you are with over this Thanksgiving weekend, I hope you reserve some time to reflect on all of what you experience and allow it to serve your growth and empathy for those around you. It’s a beautiful opportunity to accept whatever you are facing and work through the discipline of discovering what you are really feeling and then pointing your attention to the feeling of gratitude from a genuine place. Happy Thanksgiving and Blessings to All!