Pillow fighting – good therapy for relationships!

Fancy a great pillow fight? Tomorrow, April 6th is National Pillow Fight Day so I know what’s going down in our house this weekend! As I mused over the thought of our inevitable family escapade, I couldn’t help but observe the great relationship principles to learn from these moments. 

Keep the fun alive

Our sons have always enjoyed a good pillow fight from they were tiny and just able to waddle around, despite the fact that often the pillows were bigger than them! They enjoyed the chase, squealing with laughter and in the end collapsing on the bed, with inevitable hugs and cuddles all round. There is something endearing about just being able to get wild together, having fun and showing physical expressions of love. That works for couple relationships too! Many of us might have even done this as couples in the beginning but too often we get stuck in the drudgery of real life and don’t indulge in child’s play anymore. Why not make this weekend the excuse to inject some fun again with a good, loving, pillow fight? As long as you’re both on board with the idea, peals of laughter won’t be too far behind. Sometimes all we need to get connected again is a good giggle. 

De-stress…and connect

Even as teenagers now our boys still resort to pillow fights every now and again, often at the end of a long day when they just need to burn up some adrenaline, when they are bored and want to have some attention or simply as a precursor to just collapsing on the bed together laughing... and then having some real heart to heart conversations.  We definitely need to engineer moments like this in our relationship with our partner too, to de-stress, get silly, and in the process open the door to real heart to heart conversations.  Inevitably the hopping around, dodging, weird positions to avoid being thumped by a pile of feathers will have you happily exhausted, and slumped together on the bed. Very therapeutic. It’s up to you what you would like to follow next!

Keep it safe

Before we get the pillow fight going, we always agree not to use pillows that are too heavy, not to aim for heads and not to use the special pillow with the cable for listening to music because that stings! These “ground rules” prevent the experience going wrong with someone getting hurt. That way the memory is always happy and pleasant, and we keep looking forward to the next time. If anyone gets angry or upset, the pillow fight is off. That’s not what pillow fighting is for. 

This concept of ground rules for a good pillow fight is just one of the key disciplines that we coach as part of Habit 2 from our “4 habits for great relationships”. Just like keeping each other safe in a pillow fight, Habit 2 is about keeping each other and the relationship safe when we “fight” (meaning argue - nothing physical please!) with our partner in a conflict situation. As a quick summary, the four habits are :

Be CURIOUS, not critical– which helps people understand how we are all wired differently and get over the hurdle of stress and frustration that comes from unmet expectations.

Be CAREFUL, not crushing– which helps people get over the hurdle of poor conflict resolution approaches and the stress and damage they can cause in relationships.

ASK, don’t assume– which helps people get over the hurdle of frustration that comes from mistrust and disrespect that can creep into relationships over time.

CONNECT before you correct– which is all about getting better at communicating real value and appreciation, and holding back on that need to give "constructive feedback" that so many of us are all too good at!

These are the fundamental habits that separate successful from unsuccessful relationships but the great news is they can all be learned. That way we are equipped to have better conversations, and better outcomes… and have more time for fun and spontaneity.

So this weekend, as you get that twinkle in your eye and plan how to ambush your partner with a feathery thud to the back, think about how you can keep the fun, the connection and the safety in your relationship in other areas of life as well.

Meanwhile, enjoy!!

Find out more about the 4 habits for great relationships here: https://www.soulmates.academy/couples/4habits