Pigeon Idols

I’m surprised it’s taken me this long to come up with the idea to turn over this newsletter to a pair of talking animals.

Meet Hato and Lumba, a pair of pigeons keen to talk about street furniture in Convention City Seattle.

Take it away, my fine-feathered friends.

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Colloquy of the Columbidae

Hato

Good afternoon. My name is Hato, and it’s a pleasure and an honor to address you today using your own language, even as impoverished as it is compared to how we civilized beings communicate.

As Seattle pigeons, we enjoy the distinction of combining a bird’s-eye view with that of the street-level pedestrian, and in that sense, we are iconic avians of the urbanist movement. We associate freely not only with one another, but also with people, with whom we are filled with admiration for providing us with ample food within spaces cleared of our natural predators. For that, humans have our gratitude.

In our grandparents’ generation, four long years ago, we observed significant changes in the migration patterns of Puget Sound humans, namely a bifurcation between those with a highly concentrated range of movement and those who only stop here as part of their long-distance migrations.

Lumba

Just say “fewer commuters.”

Hato

Commuters, you say? Behold the burgeoning city across the lake! Bellevue, a beacon to business. Do they lack “commuters” as you put it? Why do their office towers and malls throng with people while those on this side of the lake languish?

Lumba

Take a guess.

Hato

From our fount of wisdom that is pigeondom, we need not guess. Centuries of cities have thrived under our benevolent and watchful 340-degree gaze!

And it is for that reason that I dismiss the entire concept of commuters with a wave of my wing. Commuters, with their tidy lunchboxes and clean habits. Pshaw, I say!

Give me tourists! Give me sports fans! Give me conventioneers! Give me cruise ship passengers! Give me late-night clubgoers who have cream cheese slathered on hotdogs in a hopeless attempt to keep the toppings from falling off.

And it is for our long-distance migrating visitors that city leaders intend to install “pigeon idols” on our very sidewalks. Looming eight pigeons high over the sidewalk, these modernist structures feature sheer sides of tempered glass laminated with an optical clear resin, unmistakably pigeonesque in profile, with eyes on each side as a clumsy yet endearing gesture of subservience to our avian nobility.

Lumba

Kiosks. They’re digital kiosks. [Link to presentation PDF, April 4, 2024]

Hato

You say digital kiosk, I say pigeon idol.

The city leaders are preparing to turn over the entire city to the pigeon population! Which I applaud. They pay homage to our species, the peoples’ bird.

People will approach the pigeon idol and talk to it through their oily fingers. And just as they rely upon pigeons for their spiritual sustenance, they will humbly entreat the idol for suggestions on where to go next.

Lumba

Look, my brain may be the size of the tip of a human’s index finger, but do I look stupid? If someone can afford to visit this city, it’s highly likely that they’re carrying a portable device that does a much better job at providing personalized recommendations than anything you’d find on the street. What could possibly be the advantage of using a larger screen in a public space? It’s less powerful, less personalized, and less private. Plus, you’re sharing a touchscreen with the entire city, very strange behavior for people covered in viruses.

You may think it’s a pigeon idol. The people installing it may think it’s a digital kiosk. But I’m convinced that it’s nothing more than a sidewalk billboard designed to show ads to the throngs of people who will visit the city for the 2026 FIFA World Cup.

Hato

At least we agree that they’re not digital kiosks.

You know, I may have figured it out. People in cars need clear, unobstructed paths from one place to the next. That’s why, when people walk, they get some kind of tactile enjoyment from avoiding obstacles placed in their path – dog poop, scooters, bicycles, people sleeping in the street, and now pigeon idols.

Lumba

I’m glad you noticed the people sleeping in the street, and in doorways, alleys, parks, and other public spaces.

Do you think that our neighbors are going to use the digital kiosks, sorry, pigeon idols to access “social equity” apps for access to social services, homeless shelters, job boards, and city services?

Hato

By your own argument, these are people who may not have their own devices.

Lumba

Or a wireless plan, or a place to charge their devices, or an indoor place to use them.

Has this now become the definition of “social equity?” A giant, locked-down durable tablet on the street, through which someone seeking help can only do so in the most public way, making entreaties in clear view of others, recorded on video?

Hato

How would you have it otherwise?

Lumba

Cities used to have rectangular boxes called “phone booths,” with doors that shut. For the price of a single coin, you’d be able to talk in private with another human, anywhere in the city. You could even look up their names in a printed book.

Hato

Today, a phone booth would soon become a public restroom.

Lumba

Not if there were sufficient facilities available outside of the booth.

Hato

Perhaps. But suppose that for a magical moment, sufficient public restrooms were made available to everyone who passes through the streets of our city, a situation which must become reality prior to the arrival of 700,000 sports visitors in two years’ time.

Even if it were clean, who would pay to enter a phone booth given that anyone with means can have a better experience on their portable devices?

Lumba

The booth would have to offer something that doesn’t work on a portable device.

Hato

Have you heard about Augmented Reality?

Lumba

Yes, but I haven’t seen it in public yet. Seems too expensive, uncomfortable, and socially awkward, even for Seattleites.

Hato

What if someone could enter a public AR booth filled with high-end electronics and put on a headset for an immersive public experience. Within eighteen months, those with means would purchase AR stations for their homes, leaving the AR booths available at a lower cost for the broader public.

Lumba

That would take years. We don’t have that kind of time in our short lifespans.

Hato

Okay, here’s an idea: Repurpose old phones for street use. Encase them in plastic or whatever to keep them from being destroyed. Connect them via power cords wrapped in steel cables to an overhead network port. If you need a phone, one’s right there, hanging from every lamppost at regular intervals, outside of the flow of traffic, anywhere someone might have a private conversation.

Lumba

Who’s on the other end of that call? You might recall that people on the street may not have too many people left upon whom they can rely.

Hato

Haven’t you been listening to what everyone’s talking about these days? Artificial Intelligence! It’s everywhere! In every device, in every application, in every interaction, a generalized pretrained transformer of the very latest model.

Think about how quickly the digital divide can be narrowed using public AI stations. By ensuring that everyone has arm’s-reach access to AI no matter where they are, the city can ensure that everyone, no matter what the circumstances of their life, has instant and ubiquitous access to an infinitely patient counselor, advisor, life coach, and dare I say it – friend.

Lumba

Get your beak out of your tailfeathers.

A human problem requires a human solution. No matter how good technology gets at turning one pile of digital data into another, it takes two humans to make a human connection.

Think about the people whom we allow to feed us. We can get food anywhere. But we like to make these silly fleshy creatures feel good about themselves, and so we scurry around for our mutual entertainment. But is that enough to sustain them? No. Despite pigeons being better than humans in every way (they can’t even fly!), the pigeon-to-human bond is not enough.

The same goes for AI. It’ll make some people smarter and entertain others, but it cannot do everything on their behalf.

At some point, people will have to talk to one another in person – and the sooner, the better. That’s why I’m so excited about Convention City.

Hato

I share your unchecked enthusiasm.

Did you know that the Convention City app will allow event staff, attendants, and volunteers to share single-use QR codes containing directional information, coupons, and links to videos and other content? A visitor will be able to chat with an event staffer about all kinds of things and walk away with a single personalized QR code.

The Convention City approach puts human conversation at the center of each interaction. ?And although information is personalized, it’s also given in private – you don’t have to collect email addresses or phone numbers to give someone the information they want.

It’s practically pigeon-like in its perfection.

Lumba

Like a coo-R code.

Hato

Coo… coo…

Lumba

Coo… coo…

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