Picture Perfect

It’s 7:30 in the morning. Mia opens the nursery door and turns on the lights. In front of her, the room as she and the other teachers left it the day before. There are numerous bulletin boards hung on the walls, each one decorated with images of animals, numbers, and words to reinforce the concepts taught in class. Several bookshelves next to them display a large collection of popular books that, in addition to stories and fables, provide activities that interest children, challenge their skills, and encourage deep thinking. The remainder of the room is set up for various types of learning: space for class meetings, tables where children can work in groups, and quiet areas for independent activities. On the floor, colorful rubber mats depict a busy city street scene. Children enjoy them because they allow their imaginations to run wild with stories about building structures, flying airplanes, and putting out fires.

Mia is not alone. She's expecting triplets, all girls, and, based on the amount of activity within her belly, all Karate enthusiasts. Having a large family has been her dream since she was a child, and now that she has the opportunity, she is overjoyed. She feels she should stop working soon in order to spend more time resting and planning for the babies' arrival. But she enjoys teaching so much that she can't bear saying goodbye to her students.

The morning goes by quickly, and Mia soon finds herself parking her new SUV right outside her house. It's a charming two-story cottage in the middle of a field, surrounded by peaceful mountains. The entire house is white, with wooden beams supporting the red-tiled ceiling. The ground floor features a large veranda, a vintage kitchen adjacent to the dining room, and an open living area. The upper floor has three bedrooms, the largest of which is being renovated to accommodate the new family members. Mia's husband, Adam, is currently applying a second coat of pastel pink. It contrasts nicely with a cream-colored fluffy rug that he insisted on running from wall to wall so the babies could crawl at their leisure. Little does he know that whenever he’s away, Simba, the family's cat, uses that same fluffy rug to roll over and sharpen his claws.

Mia sits on the sofa, her laptop propped up on her legs. She searches for professional photographers as she wants a family photo to be taken the day the girls come home from the hospital where she intends to give birth. She imagines herself and Adam sitting next to each other on the porch, the three babies in front of them sound asleep in their bassinettes, and Simba behaving and standing graciously next to all of them. It'll be a sunny day, at least that's what Mia expects. Warm and breezy rather than hot. The lighting will be just right for everyone to look their best. She closes her eyes, trying to capture the idyllic moment.

Suddenly, a thought strikes her out of nowhere. "What if one day people find out about my secret?" she thinks to herself. "It would be devastating...for me...for my family...for everyone. My picture-perfect life would fall apart," she muses, her eyes wide with fear.

Keeping secrets affects us in ways we may not be aware of. According to Psychology Today, keeping secrets is detrimental to our health since it needs constant alertness to avoid mistakes, dodge queries, or just keep information hidden from others. Because of their constant watchfulness, secret keepers are forced to suppress their feelings whenever they may otherwise expose the information. Stress, anxiety, and generalized ill health are brought on by this. When troubling secrets are internalized, physical symptoms including nervousness, insomnia, migraines, backaches, and digestive problems frequently appear. The possibility of mistakenly breaking the silence will inevitably reappear at some point in the future. This, therefore, has the potential to result in guilt, shame, and even depression.

However, research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggests that the harm of secrets stems from thinking about them rather than hiding them. People find themselves thinking about their secrets on their own far more frequently than they encounter social situations that require active concealment of them. The frequency of mind-wandering to secrets predicts lower well-being, whereas concealment frequency does not. This is because having a secret return to mind repeatedly can easily lead to rumination, which involves a persistently negative repetitive thought. This makes us feel insecure, inauthentic, alone, and most importantly, helpless.

It’s true that keeping secrets has a negative impact on our health. But what about those around us? PsychCentral lists several consequences of keeping secrets from our families; here are three that stand out to me. For starters, keeping secrets in a marriage or any significant adult relationship can lead to a breakdown in communication. The bond may be irreparably damaged, thus destroying the relationship. Second, it can arouse feelings of distrust and resentment. When family members discover that a secret, particularly one accompanied by a lie, has been kept from them, trust is severely eroded. Third, secrets, especially among children, can create a false sense of reality. When they are finally told the truth, whether by a parent or, worse, by someone from outside the family, their world may be shattered.

The issue is far from simple. According to Michael Slepian's book The Secret Life of Secrets, people hold an average of 13 secrets at any given time, five of which they have never told anyone about and eight more that they have discussed with at least one person but intend to keep from others. You're probably counting your fingers now as you remember which secrets you keep to yourself. Make a distinction between secrecy and privacy by viewing secrecy as an intention to withhold specific information and privacy as a reflection of how much personal information you broadcast in general. If you're like the majority of his study's 50,000 participants, you might conclude that your secrets include a lie you've told, romantic desire, and finances.

So, what's the solution? Well, vox populi dictates that confessing is the way to go. This is not easy, as the negative emotions that secrets elicit in us, especially those we believe are morally wrong, might prevent us from telling the whole truth to everyone. Putting our thoughts into written words can be a way to express ourselves without having to interact directly with other people. Yes, journaling comes to mind, but here's another option you might enjoy. PostSecret.com is a community where people anonymously mail their secrets on homemade postcards. Many of them are then posted on the website. The postcards, according to founder Frank Warren, inspire those who read them, heal those who write them, give hope to those who identify with a stranger's secret, and create an anonymous community of acceptance.

If the previous solution seems too daring, try simply telling another person about your secrets. According to Scientific American, when a person confides a secret to a third party, it reduces the frequency with which their mind wanders toward the secret in irrelevant moments. Columbia University research also suggests that confiding a secret to another person can be cathartic and relieving because people receive emotional support, guidance, and advice. Finally, the American Psychiatric Association suggests that confiding in others is the most effective activity a person can engage in to prevent depression. Having someone to rely on is more powerful than having a large social circle or spending time with others.

There’s someone out there who cares about you and wants to listen to what you have to say. I understand that it may not feel that way right now. We've all wondered whom to talk to or how to find someone who doesn't judge us at some point. Begin by making a list of all your contacts, not just family and friends. If there’s no one emotionally capable of completing the task, then consider seeing a therapist. He or she can assist you in making sense of your emotions and, hopefully, putting an end to your rumination. And if you're looking for advice, try talking to someone you regard as wise, even if they're not in your network. The beauty of social platforms is that you can contact almost anyone if you put your mind to it.

Let me conclude with an excerpt from Tiffany Franklin's poem The Secrets We Hide:

Hidden in our lives are stories left untold

of the things we didn't want them to know,

but once you tell somebody

and make your feelings known,

the struggle will be over

and you'll finally be home.

Author: Esteban Polidura, CFA. October 29, 2022.

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