In(to) a Pickle

I’m a deep thinker. Most of the time. Okay, half the time.

(All right. You got me. I’m spotting myself a quarter of the time.)

This means I experience my fair share of existential angst as I ponder philosophical questions like, “Just because I’m older, does that mean I’m old?” and “Does expecting the unexpected render the unexpected the expected?”

I’m telling you this because it’s important I establish there’s some smart in me. Why? Because though I ponder high falutin’ topics, more frequently, I ruminate on subjects, concepts, and products in a very superficial way.

Did I say products? I sure did. Like pickles. Because in our family pickles are a big dill. ?

(Please hold your groans until the end of the column when all to-be-expected puns should be accounted for.)

Frequently, our tribe holds long, spirited conversations about integral foodstuffs like ketchup, olives, potato chips, and the aforementioned pickles. The comprehensive list grows daily, what with all manner of meals being a gateway to these discussions.

Recently, pickles came to the forefront when I was making egg salad sandwiches, a family favorite. That’s when I pondered the beauty of the gherkin in all its glory which brings us to this briny tale.

Lest you think I’ve gone way over the line of weird here, it’s important to note the pickle is surprisingly thought-provoking to famous folks well-known for their erudite offerings.

Two historically impactful favs are Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin who illustrate what good company I’m in when I talk about the importance of the pickle in our daily lives.

It was Ben Franklin who pithily stated, “Hunger is the best pickle.” That says it all, doesn’t it?

Providing us with further food for pickle thoughts is Thomas Jefferson’s enlightening rumination.

“On a hot day in Virginia, I know nothing more comforting than a fine spiced pickle, brought up trout-like from the sparkling depths of the aromatic jar below the stairs of Aunt Sally’s cellar.”

True that, Mr. Jefferson. I’ve certainly experienced that scenario more times than I can count.

These pickle-inspired quotes are so profound they still surface in pop culture, being as comforting, inspiring, and elucidating as they are. And fun facts abound as I found out when I went online to execute a very technical search. I tapped in, “types of pickles.”

Yegads! The sheer volume of numbered lists that came up was jarring. They addressed not just how many types of cucumber pickles there are, but what you can pickle.

Those who aren’t in the know might simply say there are three types of pickles: cured, fresh-pack, and refrigerated. We know better, though, don’t we fellow pickle connoisseurs?

While knowing about pickles isn’t my bread and butter, I do like learning things. And learn I did. I relish this newfound knowledge and I know you will too. ?

Here is your refrigerator-worthy short list that—briefly—tells you what makes these upleveled cucumbers unique.

1.??? Dill Pickles. Dill pickles are a crowd-pleaser and arguably the best-known pickle type. What makes them so special? They’re made in a vinegar- or salt-based brine rendering them delightfully tangy.

2.??? Bread and Butter Pickles. These are my all-time fav. Having the manners of a rabid opossum, I eat them right out of the jar as I stand in front of the fridge. Though I’m long past the age of birthing eligibility, I crave these as though my body has forgotten that it’s long past the age of birthing eligibility. Sweet onions are the special ingredient that instills their distinguishing flavor.

3.??? Sour Pickles. Sour pickles are lacto-fermented without vinegar for up to four weeks which accounts for their rich tartness. This process sets them apart from the rest of the pickle pack that relies upon vinegar for their pickling process. Who knew?!

4.??? Gherkins. You can’t help but notice our gherkin friend is bumpy, appearing as though it’s more toad than food. This can be off-putting, but press on, my friends, because these sweet treats offer up an amazing amount of luscious crunch.

5.??? Cornichons. I didn’t know what the heck these were before launching myself into cyberspace. As it turns out, cornichons are smaller gherkins that are fermented or marinated in a mixture of herbs like dill, tarragon, or pepper in what’s known as the French style. Ooh la la!

6.??? Hot Pickles. Fans of all things spicy enjoy these tastebud testers. Spicy ingredients like cherry peppers, jalape?os, or habanero peppers give them the kick fans love.

It may not be an overstatement to say I’ve devoted my life to finding just the right snap, crunch, yum factor in pickles.

One would hope I’ve devoted my life to more high-level pursuits.

One would be wrong that I have.

One might say this is because I like to keep my aspirations attainable.

You know. Lest I get myself in a pickle, all bottled up with unrealized dreams.